Perfect - Comments

Ah, more Panic! I'm so pleased about this, you have no idea.

I absolutely adore this. I love the way you start by saying that Ryan loves ballet, this simple, beautiful art and then take away from that a bit by explaining that it isn't the ballet itself that he loves. It's a really interesting and unusual take on an eating disorder that I haven't really read before. I've found that a lot of eating disorder stories seem to beat around the bush and over-glamorise it, but this does the exact opposite. It seems so raw and believable, and it shows the dangers of anorexia that I don't think enough people state in stories like these. Your description is beautiful, really poetic and eloquent (quite like ballet itself, ironically enough) and the ending was so sweet. I love how supportive Brendon was of Ryan and how he trusted him enough to rip down the collage without needing to stand over him to make sure he did. I honestly couldn't think of a more perfect way to end something like this.

I'll be announcing the winners shortly, so good luck!

Story Review Game.

Summary
I like this layout. Like a lot. I judge stories so much based on layout; this one is really good. It's so delicate and pretty and the banner picture is gorgeous. The summary gives a nice neat little glimpse into Ryan's mind and what the story's about.

Chapter
I've read a few books on ballerinas and all the stuff they have to go through… like pointe shoes and how unnatural they are and how much pressure is put on weight/body shape. It's sort of interesting to see if from the other side of the spectrum; someone admiring, looking in. I like how easily you show Ryan's mannerisms without saying like, HE'S CRAZY outright. Anorexia in guys is hard to portray right, cause it's so uncommon, so it's interesting how you've paired this with an obsession to make it seem more real. Although Ryan Ross is a pretty girly guy to begin with… it's a cool idea haha.

Ryan thought of the flat stomachs.

“No thanks,” he answered, smiling at Brendon. “I’m not hungry right now.” I love how simple this line is, but how much it says at the same time.

Brendon is so sweet. And Ryan is such an easy liar. That's one of my favorite combinations. That line about the ballerina being perfect, and Brendon saying Ryan was perfect, ahhh that was painful. Anorexia stories are so painful.

Ryan having a seizure… that seems a bit weird. Do people usually have seizures because of not eating? I get the explanation you put in there, but he would have had to lose some serious weight; so much he'd be burning muscle instead of fat and he wouldn't even be able to go to the gym at all… there'd be a lot more episodes, like passing out and stuff before it went that far, I think.

You also say Ryan is now going to the gym pretty compulsively, and I wish you'd emphasize the over-exercising part of the disorder too. Over-exercising is less common as far as eating disorders, so it'd be an interesting thing to read more about it. Maybe something in Ryan's perspective before he passes out?

Brendon's reaction to finding out was spot-on, though, I liked seeing the doubt and the self-blaming. But Ryan's recovery seems extremely sudden. He wouldn't just go home and immediately want to get better… chances are he wouldn't even think he was doing something wrong. I mean, he just wants to get thin, right? It's that sort of mentality… I wish there was more of his thought process in this. The ending was adorable, though, I'll give you that.

Overall
I liked this. It was a decent piece, you know, it told about some unconventional things in a relatively believable way. But it wasn't anything spectacular. And this could be something spectacular, it really could be.
I think the main element this story is missing is pain. Cold, harsh, raw pain. Ryan would be in so much pain, emotional distress, physical deterioration. The part about Ryan vomiting for the second time was one of the sections that hit the hardest; it was so raw. Stories about stuff like this shouldn't gloss it over or beat around the bush, they should face everything and tell it like it. It makes for a more hard-hitting tale that way.

I truly think this has a lot of potential. The whole scenario is something that you could really dig into, and I think it would be 100% worth it to dive a little deeper into the gritty parts of this.

This is really good. I think what I liked most about it was how you chose a theme and really stuck with it, even giving it a sort of call-back in the last line ("Nothing could be more perfect than this.") I also appreciated how you depicted the whole journey in a way that most stories I see dealing with eating disorders don't do. It's satisfying and rewarding to see something from (roughly) its beginnings to its end (well, relatively speaking.) I liked how we got to see the start of his recovery, and like Dru said, there's hope. In addition, I feel you handled both the topic and characters uniquely and properly.
In short, well done.

i thought it was kind of perfect the way this ended happily. i think you tackled the eating disorder with tact and respect, while still managing to wave a unique anorexia story. i love brendon's worry, but his not knowing. and the symbolism of ryan taking down the collage makes me think it really will be okay for them. i'll read this again and leave a better comment later.

First off, thank you for joining my contest! Second off, this was a very interesting take on the ballerina photo. I was really expecting Ryan in a tutu. That or Ryan yelling that he was the swan queen. Silly old me, but this story was told really well. Ryan's emotions for when it came to feeling the food in his stomach was done quite well. I didn't find anything wrong with grammar or stuff like that. Also, no word slips. This was an overall wonderful take on the picture I gave you. Bravo.