Wow. This is a really good story!! It's creepy (in a good way of course) and well-written. Awesome!
January 17th, 2012 at 09:57pm
Hmmm, the summary has me intrigued. Immediately it's clear that there is some sort of conflict going on, and I want to know more about it. What is going on???
So I read on to the the first chapter... the details are pretty good. This chapter was pretty short, but the last line there makes a huge dramatic impact, which is great. Such simple words but they really convey to the readers a glimpse into Alice's character.
If I were to say something constructive, I think it would be that I would like a bit more flow in the first few lines. Like I'm trying to see the picture, but just as I start, I get cut off and there is a new detail.
Also a little error:
",What are you doing?" ~The comma at the beginning of the line.
Chapter two...here we see more of Alice, and her personality. It's really intriguing, what it really the issue with this girl? It's really strange; she has this sophisticated air about her, especially with her playing the piano beautifully and how she addresses her mom as "mother". But at the same time, while she's calm and playful, the people around her are affected by the chaos she leaves behind.
A little error:
"That girl is the devil incarnate! I just have enough of her! We have to send her there, John."
,Alice's mother begged her husband.
~The second sentence; I think it should be I've just had enough of her! Also, the extra comma.
I'm intrigued; I shall read more!
