As the Clock Strikes - Comments

I love how Brendon and Ryan understand each other without even mentioning words, by telepathy more likely.

I fell in love with the poem as soon as I read the story.

There are just some words that sound so beautiful and pure and flow well when put together, and your word choice, is, again, exquisite. Flawless.

The poem lines really spaced it out nicely, as some lyrics would, and the mood and setting was just so... there. Exact.

And characterization.

I can just narrate so many things to praise your writing, and I will always keep doig so because... you're unstoppable.

This gift of yours has a certain edge and grace that I haven't found in anything else.

I read this earlier and have been trying all day to think of something to say that wouldn't sound stupid. The only thing I can say is this was beautiful and you make me a fan of Panic At The Disco if only for the words you write. I love your writing and have been reading for awhile, just never knew what to say. I hope this made sense somehow.

I like this.
It's nothing less than I've come to expect from you. (:
It was interesting, and unique. It reminds me of very little I've ever read, which is always a plus. I love how concise you are, as well. The shortest descriptions can be the most effective- you're always great at that. You set the mood well- again, that's always one of your strengths. My only suggestions are little things:
It's probably not a big deal, but you said something about "noises from the back of his throat" two paragraphs in a row. I know you worded them differently, but it still struck me. Also, I can't really suggest a way to change this, but after the first time Brendon said Ryan's hands were placed "quite exactly", the following sentences seemed forced- as if you were trying to make them sound really good or poetic or something and it didn't work.
But that's all I've got, really. I loved it, honestly. The poetry is such a great touch, it adds a ton, especially to the mood. You're a good poet (:
Oh yeah, as to the fighting. That was the perfect thing, like, I seriously can't even describe and I was going to say this first but that would have made this sound like such a shit (written) review. It made it.... beautiful. That's the only word I can think of.
I'm so jealous of how you can spit out story after gorgeous story and never really repeat the same plot.

I'm confused.
Very confused.

Not sure exactly why I'm confused or what I'm confused about.
I think the story just...shook-up my mind.

It was so...complicated. From nothing to sex to fighting to a slight flash of nothingness again.
The poetry was beautiful, too. The story and the poem just...melted together.
Like an extremely well-written songfic, with your own song (even though it's a poem).

And I loved all the descriptions. The way Ryan's hand were placed, how he just had to rearrange the magnets on the fridge, the way they just stood by each other then it turned into them "kissing".
And the way your wrote this. I dunno how to describe it, though. Like how you said: Then he is spinning and they are kissing, and Now they are naked and flesh is shimmering.
How the pair was always referred to as "they". I'm not sure why, but that had an insane effect on me. No complications; just "they".

Ryan’s hands are placed quite exactly, which Brendon knows isn’t grammatically correct, but he’s not speaking aloud so he knows it doesn’t really matter.
That really just dragged me in. It had such unnecessary (but not unwanted) detail. I could picture the two merely sitting and Brendon's thoughts playing over and over in his head as Ryan stared into space.

What does Ryan see in the things everyone else takes for granted?
You never really answered this; I kind of wanted to know myself.
Unless it was a rhetorical question?

Brendon hears Ryan’s reply without hearing the words.
That just shows the relationship. How close they are, how Brendon knows Ryan and everything about him. Well, maybe not everything, but he tries to know, or at least understand about Ryan.

And the poem....
I liked how it progressed. How the clock kept striking a certain time and you'd point that out.
If it makes any sense, the story was kind of just like one poem. Well, two poems fused together.

Lovely. Just, lovely.

Interesting.
The ongoing poem is my favorite part of the entire thing. I love the different birds you chose, the hours and how the rhymes are not a stretch.
I like the beginning descriptions of Ryan's hands placed "quite exactly" and how Ryan arranges the magnents on the refrigerator door.
I wish it had been explored further, or more, why Ryan can't stand to hear voices and what is causing him to act in such a manner. Perhaps that is the abstract quality of the piece, though.
The fact that it is not explored further, however, does not take away from it, it's just what I was left wanting to know.
I also wanted to know why it goes from Ryan's quiet rejection of Brendon to them having sex on the floor. Was it a necessary step to seal things for Ryan, or was it simply a physcial act that he desired the sexual gratification from?

My favorite lines:

Brendon knows there's a reason for Ryan's hands to be placed quite exactly, but he knows he's not supposed to ask. He wouldn't understand anyway and Ryan would just get frustrated.

You will find there is nothing, there is nothing
To tie him to you.

Ryan can't stand to hear voices lately.

breath hard against his skin.

fingers in hair and heels in back.

We battle our monsters deep inside.
You stumble through the darkness but can't find a door,
I am blinded by the light and there is no more.

druscilla; adlestrop:

It could be, to be honest. But I always use "abstract" or "concrete" for my writing, nothing else. To me "concrete" just means that it's tangible and "abstract" means it isn't so much.

But thank you very much for the review. :]

Yeah I understand but my mind was thinking about abstract in art. And your story practically screamed surrealism to me. When I saw the title I said to myself Ah Dali's Persistence of Time and them when I got to about the middle everything had such a deep Frida Kahlo feel to it, I just had to remember the right painting for it.
-shrug- I'm glad you liked my review because it was weird and with paintings of dead people in it so I seriously doubted you would.

I told you I couldn't review this because it was so sad.
I mustered up courage.
Saying that you have talent and that this was beautiful would be an understatement.

While reading it, I was trying to grasp the whole concept. To read between the lines and discover what all of the abstract stuff meant. It was really hard for me to understand, but as it progressed I think my brain wrapped itself around it well enough.

One of my favorite things about this was your poetry. It fit very nicely with the abstract theme of things.

My favorite line was:
What does Ryan see in the things everyone else takes for granted? And why doesn't he talk to Brendon anymore?
I could almost feel Brendon's pain for him. That phrase did so much for me. I just want to pick it up and kiss it.

The only thing that didn't work for me was the ending. Maybe it's just me, but I think it could have been a bit more... solid. Maybe something to tell us what would happen. Don't get me wrong, the ending you have now is just as good as any other ending, but it didn't do much for me. I was looking for something more solid, though this type of ending lets the readers mind wander more, so you pulled it off well. If you're writing wasn't so good, I probably would have more to say about the ending.

All and all, you did a fantastic job. I think birds and abstract thing are your specialty.
<3

Beautifully written, as everything of yours is.

I love the mix of the poetry and the story, and the twisted view it was in.
It reminded me of dreams, how scenes can skip and how even the most innocent things can turn out twisted, how things can change in a matter of seconds.

Lovesick.:

I will however disagree on just one aspect of this story: its abstractness. Even though we could debate for days if it fits the artistic movement and its specific look through and inside the facts away from their volumes; the story and the lyric part of it in particularly, will always be in essence surrealist, at least for me.

It could be, to be honest. But I always use "abstract" or "concrete" for my writing, nothing else. To me "concrete" just means that it's tangible and "abstract" means it isn't so much.

But thank you very much for the review. :]

I agree that the poetry makes the story hard to read, just on a deep level. The whole range of different meanings and symbols that it gives to the story makes it hard(er) to read.

I will however disagree on just one aspect of this story: its abstractness. Even though we could debate for days if it fits the artistic movement and its specific look through and inside the facts away from their volumes; the story and the lyric part of it in particularly, will always be in essence surrealist, at least for me.
While reading the story, one image vividly appeared in my mind. The story and the pain between the lines reminded me of one of Frida Kahlo's paintings - Unos Cuantos Piquetitos. She painted it after finding out that her husband was cheating on her with her younger sister and like most of her work it is an (almost) self portrait, in the early sketch the painted herself as the woman but later repainted it after a story about a woman who was killed by her lover out of jealousy. The pain is so obvious, so visible on the canvas, as striking as it is in the story and the similarities between the black dove in the painting and your crying blackbird also add up.

Now I could talk and doubt about many things, mainly the clock from the story since is the central piece. But I'll finish by apologizing for the length and pure rambleness of my comment and so stopping before writing a too-long review which would totally spoil the story and its mystery.

I agree with the rawness. I now know why I should click on links in signatures more often.

I think this is one of my favourite of your stories. After the Complex Kids ones, maybe.
Particuarly the beginning of this appeals to me. It's beautifully written (like everything else) and the poetry dividing it makes it easier to read, I think.

I particularly liked the poetry.
It may have been hard to read, but it was very raw.
I liked that.

I really enjoyed the poetry. Good job in that area.
But to be brutally honest, the story was a little painful to read.

Wow this is awesome. It is really great for a one-shot because I think if you continued it, the story wouldn't have the same feel. I absolutely love the poetry. Almost more than the actual story line. Keep writing.

New story of mine.
Ryden.
Oneshot.
It contains poetry that I wrote and has a very abstract plotline.
Comments are appreciated<333

Happy reading!

xoxox
-Dru