On the Sixth Day - Comments

That was well....wow. It was heated and intense. I actually really liked it, and I like how you aren't afraid to write about these kinds of things and how you went into detail. I can't wait to read more actually. You are a very talented writer. I wonder why Brendan is so cruel though =/ I was actually shocked that Ryan didn't kick him out or yell at him or anything, he just took it. The title of the story as well leave us all wondering about the story and what it's about. It's different and I enjoyed it. Keep up the good work!

I really like what you did with this. Usually I don't see people writing about sins scuh as sloth or greed or even wrath all that often, and I like that you chose to do something different.

I guess we'll start with the begining. The first few lines of this are really great to me. It reminded me of someone complaining. The word again did that for me. You could have left it out and it would do anything to change the meaning of the sentence. However, by having that there it gives a sense of repetition, like this really has been going on forever which adds to the whole sin aspect of the story.

I also like the way Ryan wishes he had the energy to actually do something, or to even care for that matter, and he finds a way to use rationalization to make his actions seem like less of a problem. The circle kept going and going and who was he to throw off the perfect rhythm of it? I felt that was great. Usually when people are lazy, at least in stories, they're just that: lazy. They know they're lazy and they don't care. But Ryan was not only being slothful in the physical sense, but it was to the point where even caring became a hassel. I liked that you put that in there.

On to Brendon. I must say that I like his character. I love how sadistic he is in this story. However, I can still care that he isn't doing this only for himself which gives his character some depth. I think that is what I like about this story. The way your characters aren't so one dimensional. And the way you reveal things about them through dialogue or their actions instead of flat out stating it.

Another positive I found in this was the way you worked vice and the virtue you were given into the story. It doesn't seem like you did it soley for that purpose, if that makes sense. What I mean is... the way this is written seems like you could have come up with this before you knew about any sort of contest and it just happened to fit. Sometimes stories written for contests focus so heavily on the task they're given that it sort of ruins everything. I'm glad that didn't happen here.

Finally I have one more thing I'd like to mention, and this is probably just a matter of what I've read beforehand, but I like that this isn't just a story that involving sex for the pure benefit of having sex scene in the story. There was actually some thought put into plot and character development, etc. This story has substance and I really like that. (Not to say that the sex in this story was lacking. I seriously don't even know how you could come up with that).

I think this was a great job and I feel like this is making me like Rydon a little more than I used to.

Well, that was intense to say the least.

I'm what can only termed as wholly ignorant when it comes to Ryden since I am just not part of that scene (from what I can understand, a similar comparison could be struck if your good self was to be made to read say...The Doctor/The Master Doctor Who slash) so if I don't quite grasp certain concepts of the story then my apologies in advance, naturally. For your writing Dru, I'm going to comment on a couple of areas of your writing - symbolism and style, any bits that I notice that make me giggle or whatever and any little mistakes that I noticed.

For someone who has a relatively idiosyncratic naturalistic style (of which I'm going to comment on later), you are like Thomas Hardy in the respect that under the tree of naturalism, you have this sublayer of strong symbolism. Even by nonchalantly attaching the ideals or characteristics of a vice or virtue, a certain degree of schism occurs. Schisms are always beautiful. Moonbeam from lightning or frost from fire, all that. If Ryan is sloth and Brendon is perfection (or even, activity against Ryan's passivity) then there is a certain degree of "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" about its person. For Brendon's actions could be seen as a punishment, a state of purgatory for Ryan before relief and paradise. Else, it could be seen that Brendon used a heavy hand for Ryan's own good (the usual answer for parents who smack their kids) which would be seen as a good response (all sins must be punished, justice and righteousness) where the sensual and sexual response from Ryan could be seen as indicative of a bad response (when sex and all that stuff is seen as morally unwholesome and you know the script). Even the state of the rooms could be seen as symbolic - the messiness and slovenly "living" room and the neat, tidy bedroom where joy reigned.

With your style, you have this wonderful naturalistic feel. It's unpretentious, clear and unbridled by "artistic" measures - what I mean by that is that it doesn't use words unfit for purpose and it's not literary to the point of incomprehension. Does that even make sense? Perhaps not. If I use a brief comparison - it's like comparing Thomas Hardy's work to Jane Austen's. Austen uses so many literary devices and is so precise in every facet of work to the point that the books are dull and the plots take too long to reach completion and they are always romanticised and clean cut. Hardy is a bit more out there, bit more visceral and applies the true sense of humanity (particularly in terms of sexuality) even if it means all the characters are damned from cradle to grave. Many of Hardy's books could easily be twice as long as required if they were written by Austen and three times as unreal and dull. I do think you're quite closely related to Hardy in style like this. Your style is only as complicated as you want it to be which I think is a benefit. A person can read it as a kink fic or something else, depending on how they want to read it. To be able to walk the fine line is a real credit to yourself.

I love the title of the story. It lends itself to a sort of pseudo-religious reading like I've done. And on the Sixth Day, God created man. And weeeeell, modern man is lazy. If one concentrates on the West, at least. Even in the story, there is a vague emphasis on labour-saving appliances (e.g. the dishwasher).

There's also a subtle foreshadowing with the who was he to throw off the perfect rhythm of it?. It made me kinda giggle too because there was a train named Brendon to throw it off into his idea of perfection.

Just one little thing I noticed:

"Perfectly, Brendon had said. 'Do it perfectly.'"

I'm not sure why there is no speech marks around the first fragment but there is around the second. I'd personally drop the marks on the second part but I'm not sure. If it's something I'm misunderstanding, let me know.

Overall, there was a certain beauty to the story and you really have a gift of writing.

I don't like this lay out as much as your other ones but had I not seen your others I would probably be like "Awesome lay out!"

I love the way the first paragraph builds everything. It really sets the tone quite nicely and its more of a legit story feel than the others with out the sex like all up there waving it's arms. He swore mentally because it took too much effort to swear out loud love this another one of those character building tid bits that make me squee because I can relate and it's believable lol.

I like how it makes him better and gives him some sort of will power to pick himself up and do stuff with life. I also just really like the fact that there is a coherent well developed story mixed in with it. Not one randomly thrown in or not just random sex that doesn't bring out anything about the characters or life like "They humped and one came and the other was like oh yeah baby!". Which is a challenge to do mixing good story with sex sex sex lol so thumbs up. This is another one where your fluidity is not a problem and imagery/description is very spot on and contributes greatly.

Good lord, I was like, cringing the entire time. O.O The way you wrote this was very tense, which aided the idea awesomely. I love how you worked the vice and virtue into the story (boldly, but not overbearing). Fabulous job :D

Holy moly, Dru! This was twisted yet ever so exciting. Ryan getting spanked is such a twist since Brendon has the perfect ass for it, but gosh this was hot. I love how Brendon does it so Ryan doesn't get all mopey & messed up. Twisted actions with good intentions is such a perfect blend.

new story for a contest.
i don't know why sloth and perfection seemed to read as spankings to me, but my mind is twisted.

xoxox
-dru