Mansion - Comments

This is for my recommendation blog. I will first review your story and before this month ends (too much stuff to do) I will post the blog with links and summaries

First of all, let me start by saying that I went through every single story of yours and it was so hard choosing between them. You have really great stories and ideas. I settled for this one because I get the vibe of a haunted house story (or something to the likes of a horror story) and I absolutely love those types of stories. Now, I will divide my review in different aspects so I can organize it better. Here it goes.

Layout

Through every story of yours that I clicked through to check out, I saw the simple yet alluring type of layouts and banners you make. I really like how you include the banner only on the summary and not into the content of each chapter; it gives me, as the reader, an opportunity to reimagine everything you describe and does not set boundaries to what the reader can picture with your words.

Summary
I also noticed (by going through your stories) that you have minimalistic sort of summaries that tend to really hook a reader up. One-liners with dialogue that lure you into the contents; it gives a haunting feeling, as if what we're about to open is a secret and we should keep it as such, as if this is intimate and only for our eyes.

Content
I really liked how you began the story. The sitting of a whole family in the reading of a last will; the little backstory of tragedy (their parent's deaths and their [close?] uncle's death) is very appreciated because it adds to the mystery of what happened, where this is going, and what are you planning (I'm hooked, in case you couldn't tell).

I like how easy the dialogue flows with the narration and how realistic the setting is. It seems that family you've never heard off always appear out of nowhere whenever someone dies or someone becomes rich and famous; spontaneous generation of family members

The little descriptions we get from the siblings is enough for me to already picture them. Both tall and thin, frail, bags under their eyes, a little rigid on the spine because of the stress they have. I can picture it all with such little descriptions and this is amazing.

Overall
I think your writing is absolutely marvelous. I can't think of a way to describe it other than in Spanish: Tu forma de escribir huele como a café, sabe a polvo y viejo y se escucha como a lágrimas y risas melancólicas. (The translation does not sound as good as in the original language: your way of writing smells like coffee, tastes like dust and old, and sounds like tears and melancholic laughter). I really get this odd (in a very good way) vibe from your writing and I love it.

Comment Swap! :-)

This is the second story of yours that I got to comment swap with and I'm glad I did. This chapter was great! I'm really interested in reading more about these two kids - I am in love with the name Versailles and Luc. Please update this soon!!

Honestly I have to laugh at that last bit. The whole, 'I feel like nothing is real' bit. Puts the feeling of losing someone important in your life to a T. Half the time even I"m wondering if one day I'll wake up and be my 15 year old self again. But that was three years ago, and life will never be its becautiful, wonderful self like it was.

One thing I've noticed in your stories are that many characters are terrible people and it's usually only the main characters that are good. I think that's an interesting motif in your stories and I was wondering whether it's intentional or not.

The twins family seems horrible to me. It's strange that they can overlook the fact that the children have lost their parents and their uncle and only see the money. That makes me think that the parents and uncle were like the children and saw them as caring rather than money hungry and I'm glad they made the choice to give the children the money.

Luc is an interesting character. I liked how only one of the twins notices that something is wrong. I'm curious to see what'll happen next and whether what is happening is all in Luc's head or if something bad really is happening in the house. It's weird that there was a time jump in Luc's head. If the bad thing is a ghost, or something like that, then this is a very unusual way to introduce a ghost and that's great. I don't know what other outside force could be causing the problem with Luc and I'm curious to see what it could be.

I don't understand why Ver wouldn't tell her brother what happened with Tristan. I feel bad for Ver because even though Luc didn't mean to hurt her, he did. He should have explained himself. I'm glad she was able to defend herself, but in my mind she should have told him because Tristan could come back. I really hope Ver and Luc start talking again soon.

I just noticed that this story hasn't been updated for a long time. If it's possible, I think you should continue this story because it seems very interesting. There's many different ways you could go with this story and it's very well written.

The layout is very pretty and matches the story well. The size of the font still bothers me, but it's not a big issue. There are no spelling or grammatical problems that I can see.

The layout is gorgeous. (;

I don't think I've ever read anything of yours before, but I like your writing style. Some of your sentences seem a little long, and they run on a bit. But otherwise I enjoyed reading this very much. You're good at creating your own world through your words. From the very beginning it seemed like you had a plan, like you actually knew where you were going with this, instead of just writing and seeing where it would go. Actual thought went into this. :'D

I really adored the end of chapter one. The dialogue. “Why don’t I trust anyone anymore?” and “I get this weird feeling all the time that nothing is real anymore.” I really loved that. But I just have to point out that Hemingway only has one "m" in it. It's in the second chapter and I realize you didn't write that, but I had to point it out because I love Hemingway.

I have decided that I really like all of Luc's dialogue. xD Okay, something is definitely wrong with this mansion. And I love that you have given me no clue to what exactly is going on! Usually I hate that, but you pulled it off somehow.

Tristan seemed kind of cute at first, but then he just turned into a creep. Wow. >:| I'm glad she kneed him! I really like the endings of your chapters for some reason. Haha, but yeah! You're a good writer! You obviously know what you're doing. (:

I love the way you write. There's no words I could say but Love. Your writing leaves me speachless and jealous. I love the imagery and the concept is so unique. I love the attitude of Tristan and how he is kind of a douche. Luc is my favorite, i guess a lot of your commenter's favorite also. Well good job on this one.

Although I found the whole lawyer part where they are deciding who gets the house and what not boring, I still was interested and fascinated by your description.

Maybe it's just because I continue to use simple words and never try to use slightly harder vocabulary, and you do, but I never fail to read every word. I do wonder what is so special about this mansion for this story is called Mansion.

I shall read on to find out. Great job :D

You two are very talented writers and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If I ever hear it (which I doubt I will) I will direct them to this exact story. First off the layout is amazing. It gives off just the right vibe with the color scheme and the eerie picture. I like the graphics with their names on it as well and it all just ties in very nicely. I also like that there isn't a summary. It doesn't really tell us what's going on or what's going to happen. It makes me want to read more since while reading al three chapters I still was confused, and that's exciting. Well now onto the review...

First off I love their names. Except until I saw the pronunciations I thought it was "luke" not "look" but I love them nonetheless. I like the whole idea of family secrets and family drama. I am actually working on a story with that main aspect in it. It's very intriguing. The first chapter with the lawyer scene was greatly detailed. I like how you described the feeling in the room instead of the interior. I'm extremely curious about Leighton and I have a strange feeling that inviting him over for coffee won't be the greatest idea?

Holy crap. Chapter two gave me the chills! I like the haunted vibe the house gives off and the whole mansion comes to life for me already with such little interior detail. (which is good) I am so freaked out about how Versailles can be at his side one moment and then coming home from the store the next. It immediately made me think of a ghost. Maybe of Versailles mom or maybe Luc is just going crazy.

Chapter three was intense. I'm a little confused by the abrupt showing of Tristan but I like the conflict between him and Versailles. Chapter three was a little heartbreaking. It definitely showed off the loneliness that Versailles felt since they are friend-less and family-less. I like that she adopted the cat but again that sends off warning bells for me.

I am in love with this story. Please post on my comments when you update ! <3 subbing.

I really like the layout, it's so adorable and lovely :) I like the patterned border and the patterned background, it's so cute and it matches well!

Honestly, I'm not a fan of the really close line spacing but other than that, I really like what you've got going on with the story. You weave descriptions into the story, rather than stating it, and you manage to convey emotions so well, I'm jealous! You could totally feel the tense atmosphere in the room when the will is being read. I really like your unique names for the characters, they're definitely not names you see very often :D

But anyway, you've got some really good use of imagery going on there and your sentences flow perfectly :) Well done! <3

For starters the layout is lovely. I love it, well, I love all your layouts (:
Anyway, I really love your descriptions in this story, but I especially loved the first chapter. Your descriptions of the family's hatred for Ver and Luc was so perfectly portrayed, with such excellent imagery. You've got a great plotline here, and I really hope this is updated soon so I can continue to read. Subbing!

it's very interesting, I'm clicking subscribe to this one :)

So, I guess this is a haunted mansion ;)

I really love this story already. I like the way you started off by showing just how two eighteen year olds acquired such a mansion. As always, your descriptions are lovely and the way you've described their family — or rather blood related jerks — shows exactly why they have no reason to really trust anyone.

I like the second chapter a lot, for me, it was very chilling. Luc had like an entire vision. That's creepy. I like how you have him explain his feelings about the house and the things that go bump in the night to a thing that goes bump in the night. It's cool. I didn't think it was a lame chapter at all.

The third chapter was intense. I mean, Ver has pretty bad luck. She seems to bleed a lot which is weird. For some reason, I feel like the blood is an important detail, but that could just be me. Tristan can suck my left nut. Rude little cheater probably just came for the money. Psh, these kids really can't trust anyone. I can't wait to read more on that.

<3 Perfect and wonderful.

The only thing I don't like about the layout is that the text is too smushed together and block-like. It's kind of distracting to read.
Chapter 1
It was... kind of robotic, the dilogue and you seemed to ramble a lot as opposed to describing things. I don't know if you understand what I mean. Other than that, it was good. The rest of the family's so stuck up, ugh. Like, go away please.
Chapter 2
I loved that "I'm sorry your parents are dead, here's a purse!"

Woah. That's soooo creepy. Whaaaat haunted house. Seriously, I'm freaking out now. No joke.

and I love pasta!

Chapter 3

Everytime I read that someone 'sucks' in a deep breathe, I literally picture them sucking in a deep breath. Like... this is complicated, haha. If you were to drink something out of a straw, it'd be like that, minus the straw and with a stronger 'sucking' force. Maybe it's just me.

Ow ow ow ow owwww. That would hurt. Seriously, slicing your finger isn't good. My friend accidentally cut off four of his fingers by accident in wood shop.

Awh kitty!

I'm not liking Tristan. He's odd.

but was cut off when Tristan crushed his lips against her, his hand going even farther up his shirt.

I think you meant her shirt as opposed to his, right?

I am subbing.

The plot seems to be fairly original and I like where it's going.
Overall written well, though I believe the dialogue could be a bit more realistic as opposed to robotic. I see what you're trying to do with the way they speak, but it still isn't a believable as it could be.

I'm back.
Anyway, I think that your amazing and detailed writing, combined with your beautiful layouts makes every story of yours a masterpiece.
I kind of felt sorry for the rest of the family...but only kind of...:)
Plus I love your characters and descriptions in all your stories.

The way you ended the first chapter was intriguing. The description was amazing; I really love it when an author pays attention to details and you did that so well when you talked about the coffee stains on the paper the lawyer was holding. It might seem arbitrary to some, but it added something extra for me.

Luc seems like my favorite character so far. I like the depth to him and how he seems to feel things more than others. He's observant and thoughtful. By the end of the second chapter, I was confused as to why he felt so nauseated.

The third chapter was intense; I didn't expect for that to happen. Tristan seems like a fucking douche; power to Ver for assaulting him. (;

I love this story, it's very original and interesting. I'll be checking back to read more. <3

Chapter Three:
How do you manage to to write so wonderfully? You make the simplest of actions, like preparing vegetables, sound so poetic and pretty. I really liked the parts about the blood mixing with the water, and even when using swear words it still sounds nice and fits.

You just have an amazing talent for writing and I'm looking forward to see where you take this.

Oh and Tom sounds adorable!

chapter two

ohgraciousgraciousgracious.<3 this is amazing. at first, I was like, this seems suspicious, this house, but I had no idea any of this was coming. I was thinking about the family. Like, I thought they were going to plot some legal or illegal way to get the kids out of the house and then take it because they're mean like that, but I think this chapter just blew those silly ideas out of the water. I'm really, really in love with now. c:

I feel bad that they seem to be at a disagreement with each other, but, I hope they come together soon. With the storm I sense on the horizon, they really will need too. :c <33

sweetiepiefloats, you did an amazing job on this chapter.<33 You've got some great detail going in here and I felt like I was there, seeing the dark, scary blot moving and scurrying and oooh, I just shuddered, aha. I really, really wanna read more. c: I adore your writing style! Have I ever told you that? :) It's amazing and I like the way both yours and Lues's story telling styles compliment one another. It's aweome. c:

Gahhh, I know this comment is god awful. :c I just, I can't help it, aha. My mind is blown and I can't think of any good adjectives to describe this other than perfect. <33

I can't wait to read more. <3 (:

This is really good, a very nice beginning and I thought the pair of you developed the characters well in such a short space of time. This so far comes across as a good story with so much possibility, and I'm sure the both of you will do a brilliant job. Your writing styles are slightly different but it's not too much of a contrast to affect the story. I hope you guys continue with this, and well done!