The O.U.R. League - Comments

I agree with Carpe Vitam (:
I like the idea of this one.
subscribing :3

Thank you. The first story is more of an introduction of what the story is about, but I see your point about the one big paragraph.

Hi! I saw your thing on the introduce yourself thread. You said you were looking for honest feedback? Overall, you know what you are talking about and go into very good detail, but there are a few things that I saw, that you might want to change about the first chapter.

1. Your story is one long paragraph. Split it up some between different memories or trains of thoughts. Seeing one long paragraph will put a lot of people off and turn them away from your story, even if it is good.

2. A few typo's here and there, or missed words that go along with the tense.

The second chapter is better, with the splitting and dialogue, but if you don't change that first chapter, people might not read on to the second!

Anyways, great job :) I don't normally read stories like this, but I think I'll stick around and see where it goes :)