Thursday Morning Tea - Comments

This was a very well written story. I loved how everything tied into the next and so on. That made it really easy to read. The content was amazing too. You could feel how lonely the old mas was as he remember the better times and how he loved his wife. I loved this story! You have a very beautiful way of showing the world that man lives and has lived. Great job!

Very good! The end took me by suprise.

@ Human Shapeshifter
Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment. You've given me some great concrit!

Well, wow, there's not much to do here! For starters, I've found a typo when Hans is pouring the tea. You spelled it "poor" instead of "pour", just a simple mistake. The story moved a little slow for me in the beginning in the descriptions of Hans moving through his tea routine and it didn't grab much of my attention until he started reminiscing on the neighbors. I'd suggest cutting some paragraphs out that aren't completely necessary. From my perspective, a lot in the beginning is setting up the surroundings and telling the reader subtly how much the house was lived in, and how old Hans is. Personally I think you can cut out the part about the rat and put the next paragraph in its place.

Anyway, I really loved this. It's very rich in descriptions and I can really relate to the characters. It reminds me of a more realistic version of "Up" in the beginning. There's not a lot of dialog in this, but you use descriptions to describe the characters mannerisms and make them real that way. That's something I can't do, haha. I'm incredibly impressed by this piece. The only thing that struck me as confusing was the bit about Linda. The time frame wasn't exactly clear to me, but other than that and what I said before, this is wonderful. I hope you write that prequel!

Likes: Summary: Your summary is drawing even for me a person who doesn't like stuff that's mainly sad.

Chapter: Wow! You did a great job with this. So much description, and so much emotion. I almost cried when you talked about losing the baby. I had to laugh a little when you talked about how they call you an alcoholic if you drink something before noon.
In spite of how little you talked about the tea in the beginning and middle, when it did come up, it still felt like it should be the name of the story. I also thought the "lumberjack twins" was a comical description. The nostalgia was beautiful.

What needs improvement?: I was a little confused, I was under the impression at first that Hans's wife was dead, and then all of a sudden she shows up alive. Was that a flashback and I missed something?

I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors.

Oh my goodness, I am seriously envious of how well you can write. The detail you add to the story is absolutely impeccable. I can only hope to write as well as you portrayed in this story. This is very well written. I love how simple the plot is, but how you defined it and gave it much more meaning. I would love to read more of your stories.

This line made me laugh - they called you an alcoholic if you drank before noon, and a pervert if you stared for too long in any one direction.
Honestly, this is not my kind of fiction. But I'm not saying it's bad! In fact, like Electric Goat said, it's amazing. And I am slightly envious of how well you can write and how your descriptions flow. Like a professional, edited piece. The only problem is I'm more a Gothic kind of gal (and the comment swap is yet to have a genre filter), so if you have anything in that genre, I'd love to read it. :D

Ho. Ly. Crap. If I was your teacher, you'd have an A, my friend.

So, that was amazing. And also, you are amazing. I adore the layout and the summary, just because they compliment the story so well. Especially the layout; it conveys visually what the story does with words.

I love Hans. I just... the mental image I get of him is good, and just because of the way you've painted him. The way he woke up in the morning and the flashbacks, and oh man, the way he described Linda.

I adored the bit about her taking on the emotions of the world. It made me think of that movie with um, crud, I can't remember who, but a young woman's twin sister dies and from that point on, the entire world is her twin and everything makes her deeply sad. This reminded me of that; it is a wonderful quality to add to a character. It made Linda so much deeper and real to me.

I just said this in a comment to someone else, but the language in this was astonishing. You perfectly captured how a man like Hans would speak and I can imagine how challenging that would be. After all, you yourself are not a man of his age, so that really is a wonderful thing to be able to do. Venturing outside of yourself to do a narrative is impressive.

Honestly, this entirely was impressive. I would love to give a longer comment but usually I do the good and then the bad. I don't have much bad to talk about -- or any, really. Wonderfully done!

The summary is short and to the point and it works wonderfully. It gives what the story is about but at the same time you have to read to find what about the past is haunting him so. I am not a big fan of the layout that you have chosen to use for this story, though. I think it is the color of the title and links that throws me off. The rest of it is mellow colors, whereas the other two font colors are bright. Yes, they are a shade of purple like the rest, but I think you should have gone a few shades darker rather than brighter. For the chapter title I wouldn't put 'Untitled', just put a variation of 'Chapter One'. It looks more thought out that way. Having it left as 'Untitled' makes it feel like you are unsure of the chapter yourself.

My favorite part of the entire story is this section:
The kitchen to Hans almost seemed foreign now. When Hans thought of his kitchen, he imagined frying pans searing and something doughy in the oven rising, and Linda singing along to whatever burst from the radio. Her voice was akin to the sound of metals scraping against each other, not that this mattered to Linda. Still, Hans loved listening to Linda sing, and enjoyed the simplicity of sharing stories across the breakfast table.
This is how I imagine love to be. You nailed a couple madly in love perfectly. Her singing around the kitchen sounding absolutely horrible and him enjoying it, it's a magical moment for me. Maybe it's because I'm a true romantic at heart. It is just an adorable part and I feel like if you were a fly on a wall in a house of a couple, this is what you would see.

There were a couple spots where you forgot to space out the paragraphs, I would go back and change that just to make it look more... finished. I also feel as if you used his name a little too often throughout the chapter. Replace 'Hans' with adjectives that fit. Just so it doesn't seem repetitive.

I really liked your story overall, the only thing I have to say is I want more information about Linda. Sorry I don't have any new criticisms. You have a beautiful writing style.