February 23rd, 2008 at 05:03pm
Ice and Fire - Comments
-
-
Love this chapter too! :cheese:February 14th, 2008 at 10:40pm
-
It's pretty good.
=]February 9th, 2008 at 01:47pm -
I love it already.
You're very good at describing, it's very detailed.
And now, I really want to read more =]February 7th, 2008 at 08:29pm -
I love what you've done with this. Your descriptions were detailed and I could picture everything vividly in my mind. The shore and the ferris wheel.
The symbolism is well-done; the ice representing Quinn and his feelings. How he feels cold inside and numb.
The vital muscle had long ago been torn out viciously; a frozen space filled the dormant cavity behind his ribcage.
That was a beautifully worded line. It makes me curious to know as to why he's the way he is and why he's dissatisfied with life.
The ferris wheel obviously holds some sentimental value for him. I thought that was sweet. It symbolises a moment in his life where he may have been happy and not so cold. I liked how thinking back on those memories almost made him smile. It shows that he's not completely cold inside and that there's a chance he can be warmed again through another's friendship.
I'm interested to know where this is going. The combination of two polar opposites looks to be an interesting plotline.February 5th, 2008 at 02:29am -
Feedback is appreciated, thanks.February 3rd, 2008 at 07:46pm
Your descriptions in the story are quite nice. I like the use of language, and your characters are nicely formed. The first and second chapters have unwinded nicely, although the induction of the horse was kinda out-of-the-blue, and it seemed random. I was kinda like "WTF?".
In the third chapter, the feeling of fear that you tried to portray came out mostly like hopeless frustration. When Quinn cries out "Help me! Help me, I don't wanna die!" it feels like a cliché. I mean, you've got a real deep character, and that's the only thing that comes out of his mouth. Not that it's bad, but it feels like it's been done before.
My favorite lines:
The vital muscle had long ago been torn out viciously; a frozen space filled the dormant cavity behind his ribcage.
The flames moved so gracefully, dipping and curving around each blade in a beautiful shade of yellow.
I like how it's unwinding, and with a little work, it'll come out real nice.