Slut - Comments

I like it. It sets up a great back story, however the reader can also be satisfied by the ending you provided.

I think this is pretty cool.. In a horrible kind of way... If that makes sense, but i did enjoy it and i'll subscribe incase you decide to write more chapters :)

Her eyes only stared into the mirror, and the mirror back at her as thoughts started to mull about in her head.

This sentence is teeming with metadiscourse. Metadiscourse, in sum, is just cluttered wording, which means that you could be using simpler terms to convey your ideas. Sometimes metadiscourse can have the right effect, but in most cases it just makes a sentence hard to read and gradually decreases the flow. My suggestion would be to show, don’t tell. For example, in this next line:

Her hair was showing a thin layer of grease at the roots.

You are telling us what to see in a manner that is overstated. Also, “Was showing” is awkward wording that not only conveys the same point twice but can easily be substituted for a more descriptive word, for instance: Her hair bloomed from a thin layer of grease at the roots, or so on.

I love this line: Small cock, big cock, whatever it was, it was better than no cock.

It’s really funny and sharp. Your humoured descriptions are great. However, sometimes you use repetition and it sort of wilts the effect of your description, e.g:

— Right, mother, and I’ll burn in Hell, right?

It seems too casual, and the dialogue is a bit cliché.

Over-all I like the mood and passion behind what you write; it was a well written enough and conveyed a very strong feeling and theory, and it provokes thought, if only because it’s a little bit confusing. I think it’s a successful piece and with some editing it would keep nit-picky people like me from challenging its thesis. I thought, for example that the character 'Nona' was literally the main characters grandmother, who she loved more than her mother. I thought maybe this grandmother had died, but then we find out that the main character is named Nona... or at least that's what I pulled back from it. Maybe you could put some plot points in there to help even that confusion out?

Anyway, keep writing! Your style is really strong!