Hello! I had said I would read and comment in a journal of mine and you had replied. Sorry it took so long, real life is crazy sometimes. Anyway, this story is not quite in my realm of taste [not at all to say it's a bad story, but tastes differ] and so I really don't think I can give too much of a constructive comment despite really wanting to.
I offer to you, though, a bit of a tip. I think it would be better and better if you work on character personality a bit more in depth - if that makes sense. See, for me, my tastes are largely based on description. More description, less talking; so I am indeed biased. Any way, more description would be great! What you have now is quite good though and gives the reader a clear idea on who you're describing or what have you, but just a touch more would be fantastic. :-)
I offer to you, though, a bit of a tip. I think it would be better and better if you work on character personality a bit more in depth - if that makes sense. See, for me, my tastes are largely based on description. More description, less talking; so I am indeed biased. Any way, more description would be great! What you have now is quite good though and gives the reader a clear idea on who you're describing or what have you, but just a touch more would be fantastic. :-)
Cheers!