Tired of Pretending - Comments

The beginning of this story was beautiful, the first few pages worth was like vision of happiness and love, yet uncertainty, which falls apart so suddenly and so easily, as such feelings often can in real life. After about halfway through it started to change a lot- and I don't mean change from 'good story' to 'bad story', just to 'very different story'. 'Different' in terms of the mood of the piece and the whole feeling conveyed with the word choices, in imagery and in actual spoken dialogue. The different points of view is a nice touch which I personally think is a technique which isn't employed by writers, amateur or professional, nearly enough. And choosing to switch the point of view from Heidi to Dan immediately following Heidi's ashamed run out of Dan's apartment was great. It switches over at the PERFECT moment; we realize how devastated Heidi is, and now we get a little insight on Dan as well. He turns almost immediately from a total asshole to a regular guy who, like all of us, is just plain stupid about pretty much everything, feelings in particular. I love the characterization! The fact that there even WAS characterization makes this stand out from the majority of stories likely to be found on any writing website, and you really nailed it, too. Even Dan's mum, who is such a minor character, really gets in to your head and you really understand what kind of person she might be like in real life, I loved that.
One thing that irks me above all is when I read a piece that would be really good if it were not for hundreds of incorrectly spelled words and grammar all shot to hell, etc., and I really want to say that it means a lot to find something that not only is enjoyable to read but has very few mistakes in the way of spelling, and other such technicalities. All that aside, great story, full of emotion, which is good, but also full of DIFFERENT, CONFLICTING emotions, which is better. The heartbreak poor Heidi suffers is translated quite believably, with such few and simple words. Conveying any emotion successfully at all is a pretty tough thing to do, and this story is full of them. Excellent. I really, really liked this piece a lot.

And I understand.

This was incredible. It was so gloomy but it kept me on edge. It made me feel like it was my heart that had been broken. All I can say is “Wow.” It was simply astounding.

I have to admit that I wanted to slap the guy. The words were a little large for my taste, and I don't think the banner quite fit with the story. I kind of liked the story itself though. There were aspects of it that were very real and then there were others that I had to stretch a little more with such as the mother's worse of the word duh and her demanding her son apologize. That seemed more a friend thing to say. You could do quite a bit with this story though. It has such wonderful potential and I actually enjoyed it quite a bit :)

I don't know what to say that hasn't been already, but I agree with the good and bad comments these readers have posted. Your story structure needs to be fixed immediately, but I'm not going to talk about that because three other people have told you, so I hope you do get it fixed soon.

The story itself was interesting to say the least. Your characters were adorable and somewhat relatable because we've all had or been in a cute little relationship like this. My ex-boyfriend's name was Dan, so that bothered me a little, but that's more of a personal problem. If you fix the little bugs with this story, you'll have something promising I'll know.

I agree with fingerprints. - the layout made reading a bit painful; the words bled out of the layout and into the background picture. I suggest double spacing and changing the font and the size so it doesn't "bleed", if you will. Anyways, I like what you've done with this. I really like Heidi's and Dan's relationship. It's cute and sweet and I like how close they were. But there wasn't really much of a conclusion as to what will continue going on between then. Other than that, it's very interesting; however, I also agree with Nonsensical. about the point of views. It was a bit confusing, but it was interesting nonetheless. This was a great start <3

I liked the layout. It was simple and cute, although the writing was so big it kind of like smacked you in the face and ran over the side into the picture.

The relationship that Heidi and Dan share seems really sweet, and it's so heartbreaking that Heidi's completely in love with this guy, but he doesn't seem to feel the same way. You did a great job establishing how close they were and how their routine went in the beginning of the story.

I liked that it was a oneshot, because it would've been too drawn out as a story. Although I like that Heidi didn't instantly forgive Dan, the ending did seem kind of abrupt. There wasn't really much of a conclusion as to what was going to happen (or not happen) between the two of them.

Also, because you switch between the point of views of the main characters, I think some form of third person would have been better than first person point of view with Heidi, then a mixture of first and third for Dan.

Great start, just didn't taper to a close all that much.

I had to change the layout due to the large font and the side picture, you couldn't read most words and it was painful on the eyes. I'd reccomend you use a default layout in the future, or use a request thread to have one made.

You also need to double space your paragraphs so it is clearer to read. (Double spacing is like how I have laid out this comment)

I liked your descriptions and the use of "Like always" was a good effect. The plot is a little confusing, but it made a little more sense when you said it was a dream. For better effect, I'd use more words other than 'said' and try to extend your vocabulary so it fits the dream effect.

Good job.