Guess Who's Back - Comments

Love this please update soon

oh maybe now that brian is turned he'll remember a lot more about his past

so i'm guessing that she not going to kill brian now because she needs him to fight a war for her? and maybe cause she's falling back in love with him...hopefully?

brian is slowly coming to remember what he truly is, i can't wait to find out how he's gonna react once he really knows what he is meant to do

so Brian is her protector, he just doesn't know it yet? this story just got a whole lot more crazy and i'm really disliking this Edward guy

i feel so bad seeing that brian is so damn clueless, but at the same time it's funny.

wondering who this Edward guy is...

well he did ask how did is she still alive and now he has his answer...yet he doesn't know it. loved it

that sucks when you see everyone happy with someone, but you're all alone. i feel bad for her

oh brian you poor poor man. if you just try and talk to her...maybe tell her how you feel and say sorry..ah i don't know what i'm going on about lol. all i know is that this story if fucking great and i feel bad for brian

no matter what someone does to you, if you love them and i mean really love them; you're always going to have feelings for them. i can't wait to see what happens after the show

love jimmy in this, he's creepy, but in a good way

awe poor guy...damn he life is going to be hell on tour

i'm pissed that they guys know what's going to happen to brian and at the same time i can't help, but laugh. poor guy is going to get himself killed

Helpful critiques + others:

*Your title. You inserted the wrong "whose". It's "Guess Who's Back," not "Guess Whose back".

Who's is a contraction of who is or, less commonly, who has.
Examples include: Who's watching TV? Do you know who's going to speak? Who's ready to go? Who's in the kitchen? Who's this? Who's already eaten?

Whose is the possessive of who or, somewhat controversially, which.
Examples include: Whose book is this? Do you know whose car this is? I know a woman whose kids study there. Whose side are you on? An idea whose time has come.

I recommend changing that immediately. A reader may not read your story if the title itself has an error.

*Your summary. You have it like: He though he killed me that one night, but little did he know how powerful I am and who is my father. Now, I'm back.

It should be: He thought (you missed the 't' in thought) he killed me that one night, but little did he know how powerful I am and who my father is (You have it 'who is my father'. I'm assuming you meant 'who my father is'). Now, I'm back.

Chapter one suggestions + fixes:

*Your first sentence(s) says: "I sat across the restaurant. In eyes view of the five men." Those two sentences look like they're meant to be together, instead of having that period in the middle. With that period, it looks choppy. The pause seems unnatural. Maybe change it to: "I sat across the restaurant in eyes view of the five men."

And, while we're on the topic of those sentences, the second sentence seems a little weird to me. "In eyes view of the five men." I'm assuming 'eyes' is supposed to be plural, representing multiple eyes. Therefore, the sentence should be re-written to "In eyes' view of the five men." Don't entirely quote me on this one, though.

*First paragraph, last sentence: "I took my phone out and placed it on my ear before it ran." Should be: "I took my phone out and placed it to (to my ear sounds a lot better; when you say 'on' I imagine someone trying to balance the phone on top of their ear, or something) my ear before it rang."

*Daddy laughed before saying," That's excilent my dear. Are the boys there?" You spelled 'excellent' wrong. Should be, "Are there boys there?"

*"Alright. I'll leave you to it. Good bye,sweetheart." "Goodbye daddy,"I answered back before hanging up. Should have a space between 'bye,' and 'sweetheart', and a space between the end quotation mark of the second sentence, and 'I'.

*Motioning a waiter to me, I told him to take a bottle of there finest wine to the five men. Wrong use of 'there, their, they're'. Should be, "...a bottle of their finest wine to the five men.

*But one. The one with brown eyes looked at me as if i were a ghost. 'I' should be capitalized. And I feel the 'but one' should be connected with the sentence before it?

And that's only chapter one. I hope you go through your story and take my suggestions/fixes in mind. (: Only trying to help!

~Ahlice