Ruined - Comments

I didn’t mind this, better than a lot of stuff I’ve read so far. The only thing I would say is your punctuation is out in some places and the wording in some of your sentences is a bit weird, like a word repeated too many times in one paragraph, or the structure is kind of off. Other than that, really good writing, keep it up!

*Comment swap*

So before I get started on the actual story, I wanted to point out that in the summary you have "to cope with the numbness" and I understand why you have it that way I just think it would sound better if it was something like "coping with the pain" or instead of pain it could be cool if it was "coping with the hole of her dreams being taken from her."

Now onto the story itself!
I really liked how you just dove right in. I liked how you quickly pointed out the character's personalities and I like how you gave McKayla's thoughts on them. Your dialogue was also good, well written. The story flows evenly. It's good!

Keep writing!

This is from comment swap and my goodness, this was an okay story. I believe that you should go through detox on the comma usage though.

Other then that, I wish you luck on your story, dear.

***Comment Swap
Why?! Why does every writer find it necsassary to end all chapters making me want to sit at my computer till it's updated again!! This story is so good! I love it! I can't wait for you to update... I will be staring at my email till it is updated. I'm so happy comment swap is giving me these amazing stories!!:D

Oh god, that comment was retarded long...sorry. D:

So, I just realized, I ALREADY READ THIS. But apparently I never left a comment. -__- So I suppose it's about time I do that, eh?

First off, I love the layout. It's just flat out elegant, yet dark at the same time. And I adore how the picture not only ties in the title but the plot as well, with it being a destroyed keyboard and whatnot. I know it seems like a simple minded thing to say, but it's the little things, lol.

Now on to the writing. First thing I noticed and pretty much my only complaint was your use of commas. Ya got a lot of em, girl. Sometimes they kinda make the sentences seem like run-ons. Like this: I had been part of a little band called the J.A.M.S. a mixture of our names, we had gotten together six or so months before and after jamming in basements and managing to get some half-decent material together we had decided as a band to play a few shows around town, nothing major and a mix of the music that we had come up with and covers that we enjoyed.

That might look better if it went something like this: I had been part of a little band called the J.A.M.S., a mixture of our names. We had gotten together six or so months before and after jamming in basements and managing to get some half-decent material together, we had decided as a band to play a few shows around town. Nothing major, just a mix of the music that we had come up with and covers that we enjoyed. If you break it up like that, it flows a bit smoother.

Another thing is at the end of the dialogue, when you're gonna put something like she said after it, then there should be a comma at the end of what they're saying as opposed to a period. Like this: "Ashley, calm down, they might not have liked us," Jesse replied.

But really, otherwise, it was great. I loved it. At this point, you've mapped out the characters' personalities without dumping loads of information about them (although you did say Ashley was the youngest twice, just so you know), and you kinda gave the reader enough room to get to know them by themselves. It was nice. And call me crazy, but Sage kinda resembles a certain redheaded singer we all know and love... XD

And I like how this was kinda just starter/filler stuff for the most part, yet it wasn't boring to read. You kept it interesting in subtle ways, such as Jesse teasing Sage after the show or Jesse and McKayla's banter outside the club or Sage trying to teach Jesse to dance. Stuff like that is funny and makes it actually fun to read a story, even when nothing special is happening. x)

I'm so excited for the next part. :D I mean, I'm not really, because I already know something bad is going to happen and I don't want Kayla getting hurt, but at the same time this is sooooo amazing and I'm gonna die if I can't read more soon. So update sometime this century, eh?!

Love you. :D

I love the simple layout, I love the picture you used, since I'm using that same picture in one of my future story's layout lol

Now with your story,
I gotta say is I love your title, I love how you wrote this; it seemed like I was in a movie almost. I just love the entire plot and idea you had for the story, it made me wish there was more then just one chapter. You also have some good flow going in the story, plus the dialouge matched each character without sounded the same. Plus I haven't really found many mistakes so thats a plus

Keep up the good work

I have to say this was really well done! Thank you for the hind about the drug use and other things (I felt as if I was gonig to watch a movie!) I loved your title (I love one worded titles... it's kind of weird I know).

You need to fix your sentance sructure, I believe it tends to get very fragmented.

Your layout really matches your story so good job on that. There is are few sentances that were gramatically incorrect. For instance, "McKayla is a twenty four year old girl" If McKayla is 24 she should not be a girl, in fact she is a woman.

Other than that this was a very lovley story. :)

Ah, I was excited that this was set in Calgary. Tons of my friends live there and I live a few hours away. So that was exciting.

I think you started this well. Some of the sentences were a little choppy, but other than that the flow was done pretty well.

The dialogue seemed to fit with the characters, which was nice. They all seemed tobe individual as well, so they didn't all sound like the same person.

You set the plot up well. It was almost a cliffhanger but not quite, which definitely leaves the readers wanting more. Good job :)

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS! I'M SUBSCRIBING AHEAD OF TIME.