The Princess And The Stones - Comments

*Here from comment swap* I am really happy comment swap sent me here. I loved the story, and really want to read the rest now! I was super sad when I saw it hadn't been updated in almost a year. To be honest, I'm not usually one for fantasy, but I really enjoy this story. I love the character Maria. She always seemed brave and confident, but she still had flaws, such as her short temper, which made her seem like a real person. I also loved the idea of Simon having a crush on her, that was really clever, and I really want to see how it turns out. The story line was really well though out and kept you interested, which is hard to do without making the story too brief. The only criticism I have is, you may want to proofread it a bit. I noticed a lot of typos all through out the story, especially in the last chapter. I can relate to that though, I make so many typos, there's probably some in this comment. Other than that, nice job! If this were a novel I would buy it!

I'll admit, I'm not usually one to go for fantasy and whatnot, but I like that only from the summary alone I can tell how much thought and effort is put into the plot, which is more than the typical boy-meets-girls-love-ensues that really sort of bores me, this actually has substance to pull it along, which is really good! :3

For dialogue/tags, whenever a he/she says follows a quote, it should have a comma and the following word should be lowercase. And if you're using an exclamation mark/question mark ending the quote, it still follows with a lowercase.

I like the imagery within the story, I could play it like a movie in my head with them having casual conversation and fitting the dress, it's a really interesting way to start the story. Info dumps usually give me grief so I like that it's easier to follow along in the conversation and doesn't bore me to tears or basically overwhelms me, but just sprinkles in the setting and whatnot nicely. You did a really good job introducing the workings of the mythical world they live in, with the medievals sort of air to it too, I think it really suits it nicely!

I'll admit, I was a little confused by the part where they were talking about someone being betrothed to another, being nineteen, is she the nineteen-year-old's daughter? That's what I picked up from it, but I could be wrong. Other than that, a really interesting prologue! c:

I didn't like the summary. I thought it was hard to follow and confusing.
I think you have a very good concept and the plot sounds like something you could find in a published book!

The very last line of the prologue: "This girl's name was Esmaeiria, and it is with her that our story begins." I think it should say, "This girl's name was Esmaeiria, and it is with her that THIS story begins." Because, it is not OUR story, it is HER story. Our implies that the reader is part of it.

You had a good summary. It's very interesting and unique.

When they were talking about the age of the girl, I was a bit confused. She was first 12, then seemed to be 19. I don't know what was going on there... Otherwise, I didn't spot any errors of major concern.

It was a nice prologue, and it sets up the reader well for the rest of the story, I'd say.

I don't have time to read all of this tonight, but i certainly will! I can already tell it's going to be my type of story. There were very few grammatical errors that really stuck out to me so far, so that's good. And the layout is simple enough that I'm able to read easily without being distracted. Good job so far. Subscribing. (:

Oh, and anyway, you have some typographical errors in your work. You should better edit those mistakes.

I like Esmaeria/Maria and Simon together, though at first I was so hooked up by the Esmaeria-Oreon love team. But anyway, I really like the story and the romance in it. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

Though I love Simon, I do think Oreon fits better with Maria. He has a mystery about him that I find very intriguing. =) I think it's quite sweet that he still has a thing for her ('cause it's so obvious)

0_0 Who is Ayjiena?! Why does she want Esmaeiria killed? AHHH, I'm so lost! I absolutely can not wait for the next chapter to be released.

"that oyu've become a beauty, to say"
^ the only mistake I think I saw was that you switched the y and o in you've =)

Update soon!! <3 <3

WHAT?!?! He knows? OMG! I'm sorry, but YOU CAN'T LEAVE IT LIKE THAT! Wow, and they had thought it over and everything, just to have him foil it all so smoothly... Poor Maria... But, it seems somewhat sweet to me, for some reason. I don't know why, though. Hmm...

Oh, sorry XD Silly me, to comment the end of the chapter first >.< I love the way Simon describes the duke's daughter (too lazy to go back and check her name XP) and the palace sounds lovely. You did really well in the description. I swear, this story is more like a mental movie to me! Aha, does that make sense?

UPDATE SOON, KAY?! <3 <3 Fantastic job! (as always <3) <3 <3

I have to say that I am completely enthralled with this story, truly. At first, I didn't like it very well, but the more of it I read, I fell more in love. Esmaeiria's character is truly stubborn in the most comical of ways but I felt really attached to her. She didn't the royal life and so she fled. That scene where she and Oreon (love this name, by the way) were 12 and 13 and he promised her it'd get better.... It really got to me. I kind of fell in love with his character and I feel like he should appear again this story. I also really like Simon, but I miss Oreon a little... Anyway, I love where this is going and I'm praying for an update! :D

Oh, wow, the summary is wonderful. I'm a little turned off by the layout, but the summary is great. It strikes my interest and it seems like you have an actual plot planned out, with conflict and everything. I do want to point out that the "and the" in the title shouldn't be capitalized.

Okay, first thing's first. Your grammar is off for your dialogue.

"I personally could never comprehend his pain after the loss of Queen Illeira and the child." An elven dressmaker said to her client.

That is incorrect. It should be "...child," and elven dressmaker said. Anytime there's a dialogue tag, you put a comma and you don't capitalize. A dialogue tag is anything between "she said" and "she mumbled," "she yelled," etc. If it had said "...child." An elven dressmaker carefully placed pins along the hemline of the elaborate gown. then it would have been completely fine, because that is not a dialogue tag, and therefore requires a period.

"Now, who is going to reign now, anyway?" You could probably get rid of the first now.

"As for his wife, well I'm not exactly sure who she is though." I'd get rid of though.

"Three years she's been a adult, Ms. Estella." Should be an adult.

"Besides, her husbands old enough to be a mature king. Nearing twenty-five I believe." In this instance, husbands should be husband's because it's not the plural, but rather a contraction of "husband is".

"You'd best be careful who you say that to Moraca, those nobles might demand your head for such insults." This should probably be two separate sentences, instead of one sentence with a comma.

You should also put a comma before someone's name is addressed. For example, "You're one of those fairies Estella," should be "You're one of those fairies, Estella." It's just proper grammar. A common example is this: "Let's eat, Grandpa," and "Let's eat Grandpa." See the difference?

It's interesting that you start the story off with a normal situation and use the dialogue between the characters to give the reader an idea of what's going on. I think that's much better than just explaining things point-blank. I also like the last sentence "This girl's name was Esmaeiria, and it is with her that our story begins," because it gives off that fairy-tale kind of feel. Almost like, once upon a time in a land far, far away. That kind of thing. I can definitely imagine it in a movie, with some British guy saying that at the very beginning, as the scene fades into Esmaeria in present time... haha, I just liked how you did that.

"A thirteen year old boy, with sparkling grey eyes and a dazzling smile, that could melt any girls heart." Girls should be girl's, because it's possessive. I don't usually point out ever single mistake for stories I review, especially if the mistakes are repetitive. I usually just tell the author what they need to fix and let them do it themselves, but Ii think I posted in your journal once, when you were asking for an editor for this story? So I'll do what I do when I edit something for someone.

"Now that her twelfth birthday ball had passed, and her surprise engagement party was nearing it's end, her wish stood a fair chance." It's should actually be its because you only use an apostrophe when it's a contraction of "it is" but not when it's possessive. It can be a little confusing, I know.

I think the dialogue between the princess and Oreon could be better... It just kind of makes me annoyed at Oreon and it makes the princess seem controlling and rude, not headstrong and brave, which is probably what you're going for. I think her words and actions would be much more justified if you showed Oreon being extremely possessive over her, instead of just telling us shortly.

I liked the part after Oreon left the room and she kind of just stopped and thought about her situation for a bit. "I just wish I could just disappear from this world, from this life, from..." I think a lot of people can relate to that, so I'm glad you put that in there.

"It was a perfect plan really. Her disappearance would leave Oreon a free man, giving him the chance to marry any woman he wanted. It would leave her quiet but brilliant sister Ariana the logical choice for queen, and it would leave everyone happy." I'm not sure I like the logic you used for this. Oreon would be a free man, yes, but he seems completely in love with Esmaeiria that he would be completely crushed. "And it would leave everyone happy." I don't like that at all. It's most likely not true. When a child runs away, no one is happy about it. It seems like you just threw that in there because you couldn't think of anything better to use. If I were you, I probably wouldn't try to rationalize this for her. I'd probably just say, "She was so sick of the way she was expected to live, it seemed like the only option left. She could no longer live the life everyone had pushed on her since she was born." Or something like that. Make it so she's kind of running away out of spite for everyone. Like, this is what you get when you treat someone like this. I'm running away because you all suck. You know what I mean? And I also would've liked to see more of the bad side of being a princess. All we really see is her complaining about having a party in her honor, and that doesn't seem all that bad. I think you should include so many bad things about being a princess that the reader is like, of course she wants to run away! You could include things like, I don't know, all the pressure that's put on her, the lack of freedom, etc. Instead of just telling these things, I think you should show them, even in little bits. She could even reflect on her time as a princess after she ran away. Like, "Oh, this is so much better because this, this, and this."

I do like how you incorporate magical things into this story. I was slightly afraid that you'd have this magical setting in the palm of your hand and not use it at all, but you seem to be doing just fine with that. You use enough that we're reminded that this isn't a normal human world and these aren't normal humans - they're fairies and elves and such.

After she ran away, I would've liked to hear about how the kingdom reacted. Maybe have Esmaeiria hear whispers about her, or hear some rumors floating around. Obviously there would be a pretty big reaction if a princess disappeared without a trace, and I think you should point that out. I don't really like how you just casually pointed out that her country was at war. Like, oh, these people aren't talking about me because oh I don't know, we're in the middle of a war. Either take that part out (it doesn't really seem relevant to the story) or give it more recognition.

"Can you at the very least get off, you're crushing me!" I think this should be, "Can you at the very least get off? You're crushing me!"

"She considered telling him about these thoughts, but she chose not to boost his ego, after all, she'd never live it down." I'd probably put a period after ego to make this two sentences instead of one.

"As always, Simon only managed to received a few specks of dust on his shirt," Received should be receive.

"In the centre of the was the town hall." You're missing a noun here!

"She gently lifted the metal pot from the stove and poured it's contents into a porcelain bowl." Again, it's should be its.

Now that I think about it, I don't think the prologue is really necessary. I think you should just take it out altogether and start with her running away. I don't like how it is now, because the timeline jumps around so much before settling on when she's sixteen. A lot of times with writing, the first chapter can be taken out completely and it wouldn't affect the story negatively at all. I really do think this would be better if you just took the prologue out completely, even though I did kind of like it. Sometimes it's better to just cut things out even if you like them. It's a sacrifice that writers must often make!

I love love love the part with Iliana and the pie and how Maria talks about all the wonderful adventures out there! I've been waiting for something like that. And I like how her ideas are rejected because that's just not popular, and it's realistic for her way of thinking to be shunned in a world like that and in a time like that. You gave much depth to Maria here and you made it realistic. I think you could have emphasized Moraca's reaction even more. Maybe you could have made Iliana say something like, *gasp* "You're not getting married, ever?" Like it's a sin or something.

I loved the soup/pie thing, I thought that was pretty funny, how Iliana kept insisting it was pie and they just ignored her.

"...your memories must still be locked away, and deep down, they affect your." Your should be you.

"Iliana bit and her spoon and appeared to be deep in thought." Not sure what that's supposed to be...?

"Maria had wished that Iliana and Simon had dropped the subject." Had should be would.

"Miss Maria!" a young males voice cried..." Males should be male's.

"As she turned to the sky, Maria whispered a tiny pray," Pray should be prayer.

I don't understand why she has such a low opinion of Petah. He seems perfectly fine to me, and it makes me think Maria is either just fond of complaining about everything potentially good that happens to her or that she's just an unrealistic character. It's like, well she had basically the entire kingdom at her feet, a guy that all the girls wanted, and she hated it. Then she's got this other guy who's gaga for her and she thinks of him as nothing more than an annoying mosquito. I guess I just wish she would've put herself above him and just walked away from him instead of getting angry with him and saying rude things that, quite frankly, were just as bad as the things Petah was saying. She doesn't like his actions, yet hers are no better. She compares him to Oreon, and therefore she decides to hate everything about him, but I can't bring myself to agree. I didn't hate Oreon. He seemed like an okay guy to me.

"She took a deep breathe and composed herself speaking again." Breathe should be breath, because breathe is an action while breath is a noun. This too: "Tanzania finally asked, once she'd fully regained her breathe."

"...and tryed to keep the crowd focused on him." Tryed should be tried.

One thing I'd like to point out is that your spacing between paragraphs is off. Sometimes you double space it and sometimes you single space it. On Mibba, all your paragraphs should be double spaced apart.

"...we wouldn't be living in this sorry ezcuse for a town, would we?" That should be excuse.

You know, many of these mistakes could be easily fixed if you looked over your writing a little more.

I think it's a bit odd that the kingdom would suddenly suspect this town of harboring their princess, after what... four years? You should give reasoning for that, otherwise it's just blatantly obvious that you're using it to advance the plot.

You're not consistent with Illiana's name. In chapter three there's only one "l" and in other chapters there are two.

I really like Moraca. I think she's wonderful, and I love that she knew about Maria being a princess all these years! It makes her seem so wise, yet very accepting and easy-going.

"Don't worry, my love, I'd never let then take you before you were ready," Then should be them.

"Maria mumbled as she tightened the blackets around her." Should be blankets.

“Do you two have to much such as racket?” Much should be make.

"you have your own bed, in your own room, in you own house." The last you should be your.

"Mum says I'm not allowed out of the attic until your downstairs." Your should be you're.

"Simon nodded and tossedly his cousin's wavy blonde hair." Get rid of the "ly" at the end of tossed.

I think there needs to be more overall description in here. I have no idea what the town is like or their house. Sometimes you just jump right into things with no prior description.

"By the time Moraca had put the finally touch," Finally should be final.

"Have you told him yet." There should be a question mark after that instead of a period.

"Afterall, wasn't it you that said a girl is only sixteen once? Let's enjoy this!" Afterall is actually two separate words.

"And with that, Maria ran down the stairs and to the front door, and out of sight." I think you should get rid of the very first "and" and also get rid of the "and" between stairs and to, and just put a comma there instead.

"Moraca sighed, her little girl was gone." Here, I think you could either break this up into two sentences or use a semicolon.

"Under her breathe, Maria hissed several inaudible words," Breathe should be breath.
"Taking a deep breathe, Maria whispered," Again.

"The doors opened, and just like when she were a princess," Were should be was.

"She had been broken of the habit of hiding almost a decade ago and couldn't force herself to portray such modesty on such a day." I'd probably reword that so there's not two "such"s in it.

"Peter instantly offered his hand hoping for a dance, while his stared bitterly." I thought his name was Petah?

"with frustration and stormed off to another near by man." Near by should be just one word.

"Maria made her way across the floor and took the hand of another foreign boy, who lead her to the center of the room," Lead should be led.

"The second the dance ended, and the attention shifted away from the birthday girl to the actual party itself," You don't need a comma after ended.

"At the age of 17, Simon was a grown man, and a mature presence was demanded of him from society." I didn't get the feeling Simon was that old until you said this. I think you should have included this a little sooner, and maybe shown how Simon had a more mature presence, because I wasn't getting that at all from his character.

"She took a deep breath before speaking again." Again!

I thought the scene between Maria and Simon when they were dancing was really sweet.

"It's me Maria, if there was anyone you shouldn't have been scared with, it was me." I think you could split this into two sentences, after Maria. You have a lot of sentences like this in here, so watch out for that in the future.

"I know, there's more to it then that." Then should be than.

"For the first time in a long time, tears where starting to roll down her cheeks." Where should be were.

Okay, I think this is kind of sudden, her leaving and everything. It was hardly even discussed. Maybe you should have introduce the idea a little more (I know you did a little, but I don't think it was really enough). Because all the sudden she's leaving, just because her mom called her name with panic in her voice? Maybe you could have had Maria spot someone from the palace and be alarmed and then have her leave or something.

I think the prospect of the royal guards torturing the townspeople is a bit absurd. After three years or so, it just seems a little drastic, especially since you didn't tell us anything about the royal guards even looking for her before that, and supposedly they wouldn't even care anyway, according to the princess.

"In his mind, there was truly nothing more terrifying than having to lead his beautiful little sister through a bar." I don't know if you're going to pursue a romance between these two, but if you do, you should probably avoid using sibling terminology, just because it's weird. If you aren't going to pursue that, then it doesn't really matter, I suppose. I just don't know what you're planning.

"Yer even tall and skinny like he use to be." Use should be used. It's always "used to be" not "use to be."

"Simon said absentmindedly, his attention really set on surveying the tavern around him." I think you could get rid of the word really, there. Here too: "It was almost suspicious really."

I like when she explains her relationship a little bit to Simon, but I wish you would've explained that to the reader a little earlier! Like in the first chapter.

"she shrugged, not really caring to much about the subject." To should be too.

"Simon's heart dropped, but he picked himself up for his sister's sake." Again, I don't think you should use sibling terminology.

"Though the hateful tone should have frightened the sprite, after all, it frightened Simon, yet she seemed totally unaffected." You should get rid of the word though.

"Rather than spatting out words of frustration, she calmly asked," I think spatting should be spitting?

“Why were you sent here then? Surely you must be able to tell us that then.” I'd get rid of one of those "then"s.

"My master's wife is a dear friend of the boys mother." Boys should be boy's.

"Reluctantly, Simon sat up and drug himself across the room" Drug should be dragged.

"You're own husband couldn't even make you stay." You're should be your, and I believe Oreon wasn't actually her husband at the time she left?

This sentence doesn't sound quite right: "There's nothing to make a sprite you've never met before could ever change your mind."

I guess, first of all, I don't understand why they let Zarina come with them? I thought they were going to someone's house where Maria could be safe for awhile? I don't know why they would need Zarina for that. Maybe it's because it's late and my brain is fried right now, but I don't know why they wouldn't just leave without her and go to their destination. I also don't understand how she even found Maria.

In the summary, you talk about five mythical stones (by the way, I would change 5 to five) and I wish you would mention them a little in these beginning chapters. Maybe even just talking about the myth around them, not explaining them at all or anything, just mentioning them. You're already at chapter eight and it seems like you haven't even gotten into the actual plot yet. The story is called The Princess and the Stones, yet I've heard nothing of these stones except maybe in the prologue you might have mentioned them once, I can't really remember. It just seems like there are a lot of useless chapters in here, when you could just delve into the plot much sooner. Why was it necessary to tell so much of Maria's time living with Moraca, if this is supposed to be about chasing five stones and Maria possibly rewriting her past?

There are a lot of mistakes in here that could be corrected by just reading through what you've written. I would be happy to edit anything else that you write for this, though, because sometimes you just can't catch everything. All you would have to do is message me, and I would be happy to help.

I did find this pretty easy and fun to read. I think it would be much, much better after fixing the grammatical errors. Everything else I suggested it just that - a suggestion. You don't have to do any of it, but I would at least consider these things if I were you.

I really like where your story is headed, I read two chapters so far (I'll be back in a while to read the rest as I have other shorter stories to read really quick) and I love that it's about fairies and elves and there haven't been any signs of humans in this. It's really a cute arranged marriage story, how she runs away and what not, I'm surprised that most arranged marriages don't end up going that way. I can't wait to continue reading this and will subscribe so that I might finish this off.

The prologue was good. It was just right and the length of your chapters are perfect. I like that they're faries! I used to love fairies:'D this reminds me of a those princess fary tales I would read or like the fairy movies I used to see when I was a kid. I'm gushing. Your story makes me reminise kuddos((:

In my mind, this story is awesome ^.^ I only read the first chapter, but even the first chapter was insightful and intriguing. I loved how you started it with how the other people think and how they feel about the marriage. It's sad how the girls one and she already has a fiance. That's stupid.

I don't really read things with faeries and kingdoms, but my story has vampires, so I won't be judgmental. I just really like this story, and hopefully, you would continue this. I love how the layout is all pink, and hearts. The myth about the stones is good too. Like when the ladies in the first chapter are talking and you give some small visions about how they might be useful in the story.

Amazingly written. No lie.

Alright, so I finally get to comment on this, as I read the chapters like I said I would, it just took me some time because I am bloated from eating too much comfort food and I got distracted with some things.

So the story has potential. The amount of detail you put into each character, each of what they do, what they look like and the affect they have on the story is amazing. Especially with the towns, traditions and everything -- you can tell it's well thought out and it has a lot of potential. I'd like to see some more elaboration on Simon, though. I don't know why. Or even Oreon.

I am tempted to see why some characters do what they do, as no one's motivation is really revealed, not even the main character's to me. She seems to be some sort of secret, really. I don't know why she didn't want to get married. She didn't like it, yes, but running away? I feel like there should have been more behind that to elaborate on her running away.

That's some pretty dedicated people, to still be looking for her after so long.

My complaints on this story, however, is the way you tell everything up front. You leave nothing to a reader's imagination and you cram all the information into one chapter and a span of events that should lead a reader up to feeling more emotional, you cram into one chapter. And that can be really unappealing at times, as, I want to grow to love these characters, not watch as you flip through their lives so I can only see blurred colors.

I like how you elaborate on every character, but you state everything up front, it leaves so little to my imagination which is a bit of a turn off. Maybe if some indirect characterization was within the story it would make the flow a slight bit better. An info-dump with some plot finally continuing doesn't really help me when I read the story.

This is a fantasy story and I like how nonchalant you make all the species interacting and how indifferent people are to everything, as they've seen it all before. It kinda gives me a feel for the story, but I would like it of the area as a whole was more elaborated on. Like the world, itself, but that's just me. Or how it all interacts as one.

I'd really like some more detail and a little bit more suspense. It's kinda... annoying to have everything stated upfront to you in the story. And there are some errors in the beginning chapters that are slightly distracting, but not too bad. The story has a lot of potential. Good luck and happy writings with it.

OKAY. so far, SO EPICLY AWESOME. in my mind... the story took place where lots of flowers are, sort of like a royal palace garden. at least in the meadow parts. you have a very fluid and descriptive style, which makes this story just beautiful.

it's a very well written fantasy, which i must e-hug you for! i love fantasy stories so much, and to see that you write them so beautifully is great!

the story itself is fascinating as well. elves with wings and the royalty just pulled me in. you elaborated perfectly on what reason she would have to leave, and that just was amazing. Maria seems to be a very thoughtful person. she left so her sister would become queen and her betrothed could find someone he truly loved (re-stating of course). that takes a huge sacrifice! i was sitting there in silence just thinking how amazing and strong she must be to take such a leap!

there were only a few spelling errors from the four chapters i read, but nothing detrimental to the story. the flow is beautiful as is the rhythm of the story. Maria and her family just seem to be bursting with their own personal spark! i feel sorry for her one sister (?) or friend. "It was supposed to be a pie..." "it was supposed to be bitter..." poor thing! very comical but i could relate, since i fail so badly at cooking.

and i absolutely adore Moraca! "don't fool yourself, you never married an angel!" XD sheer genius.

but Petah -.- ewwy! sometimes narsissists are funny! but he's just YUCKY! and he seems to be a bit of a STALKER. maybe a bit stupid too... "we're oil and water," "and that's why we should be together!" WHAT?!

you have a real way of making your characters come to life. which is commendable in so many ways. older stories and books the characters are just... not there. but yours are! they all have that spark that just make them so loveable!

please do continue writing! this is a beautiful and creative story!~

Wow, this is really good. In the beginning though it was kinda unclear to me. Do they all have wings in the kingdom that the princess came from? Other than that, this was a really creative work. I love how you describe everything perfectly, but don't get bogged down into describing things too much and therefore making it a little boring, and I love how you post long chapters. Not too long that I get bored, but not too short like most people here like to do. I also like Maria's character. I love her attitude and sarcastic side, and I like how your characters have depth, and distinct personalities. Very well done!
I only read to chapter 4 cause I have other stuff I need to do and work on, But I will read the rest later and post another review. All I can say is keep writing, you have a knack for it.

someone is copying this work. i'm sorry, next comment i will definitely post a full review.

this story:

http://stories.mibba.com/read/420336/The-Missing-Princess/1/

is a near copy of yours. they just changed the names.

I love how the princess seems innocent and so young as she asks Oreon those questions.

Your detail and flow of the words is perfect. I do think you should format it with no indentions, and all paragraphs double spaced like the other stories on here because I believe it's a rule. But I could be wrong.

I love this story and think you did a great job. There isn't much you need to improve on. Its perfect the way it is :)

='( I thought it would be enough to satisfy me for a while, but it wasn't... I already want the next chapter!

I love the way this chapter was so slow-paced. Everything just came to a stand-still and it really lets the reader let everything just settle in their head.

Simon + Maria = AWWWWWW <3 <3

0_0 I just realized something: if her story to the town is that she has lost her memory, how does she know her birthday? >.>

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3