Alone - Comments

I really like the characters that you came up with. They all have these different personalities but you string them up perfectly to make these drama-like relationship. It makes the story a whole new mystery, seeing what happens and who would cross who. From just reading the two chapters, I'm already captivated and I will read the rest! Great work!

This seems like it's got an interesting hook to it. I'm going to give you some constructive criticism though, ok? Ok!

First off, most of your sentences seem a bit like rambling and run-ons. Now in the first chapter, when you speak about the fire, it's a chance to really go into detail. What was the narrator feeling? Was it rainy? Hot? Cold? How did she, being an eight year old, react to something like that in the moment? Was she standing to the side crying? Really, that fire scene could be an entire chapter all by itself.

Also, I'm confused on how her parents died. You say in the second paragraph that her father dies due to alcohol and drugs and that her mother follows soon after (I'm assuming to grief). You mention this happening at around age thirteen but then turn around and say that her parents commit suicide when she's fifteen.

I think maybe you wrote the first chapter a little too fast and your thoughts might have gotten jumbled. I'm guilty of typing out a sentence and then two paragraphs later I'll retype that same exact sentence and will have someone point it out to me before I even realize it.

I hope I haven't been too harsh as I'm only trying to offer my advice. Good look with revising your story, I'm here to help if you need it!

Comment Swap sent me here. Normally, I'm not at all into stories like this as I've seen about a thousand Kirsten type characters before with dramatic pasts and are mute. Yours is better, though strangely original.

Comment Swap sent me here. Normally, I'm not at all into stories like this as I've seen about a thousand Kirsten type characters before with dramatic pasts and are mute. Yours is better, though strangely original.

Here from comment swap!
You could use some work with your sentence structures. For example, instead of saying "When I turned 15 my parents died by suicide. They died by jumping off a huge building." You could say "When I was fifteen my parents committed suicide. They were found side by side, holding hands." I just think it would flow better.

Decent story, though!

Here from comment swap!
You could use some work with your sentence structures. For example, instead of saying "When I turned 15 my parents died by suicide. They died by jumping off a huge building." You could say "When I was fifteen my parents committed suicide. They were found side by side, holding hands." I just think it would flow better.

Decent story, though!

Here from comment swap!
You could use some work with your sentence structures. For example, instead of saying "When I turned 15 my parents died by suicide. They died by jumping off a huge building." You could say "When I was fifteen my parents committed suicide. They were found side by side, holding hands." I just think it would flow better.

Decent story, though!

I read the first two chapters and I like it, Honestly it feels like some sexual tension between some characters but maybe that's just me, I will be reading on later. I am glad I found this with comment swap but I will definitly read the whole thing, just in the future, not right this moment. I also want to see if you have other stuff and what that's like. You're doing great!

Comment swap
Regarding Chapter 1. The third paragraph was a little confusing. You could put something like "I went in , only tourth paragraph: I went inside to find that that it was bigger than it originally looked" fourth paragraph: the last to sentences can be merged. Besides a few grammar errors, it's a great story

Comment swap
Regarding Chapter 1. The third paragraph was a little confusing. You could put something like "I went in , only tourth paragraph: I went inside to find that that it was bigger than it originally looked" fourth paragraph: the last to sentences can be merged. Besides a few grammar errors, it's a great story

I have only read the first chapter, so I will comment on that.

I like the story. The main character have a troubled past and a lot of emotions going on, and that makes her interesting. The only problem is that I don't get the feeling that she does. You only describe what happens, what things look like or what she or the other people do. Like when the boys came in while the watched a movie, she walked away because she felt uncomfortable. Why? Describe what she thinks or feels, not only what she sees. As I said, she have went through a lot of things in her life that has defined her personality, and the reader needs to be able to see it.

But I do like the story and I will continue reading it whan I have the time :)

this is good i cant wait for more :)

Your main character is so original! I've never read a story with a mute person so that brought me in. I like how your summary gives a lot of background too. Your characters are all well diverse and the picture of Bubba is so cute xD Keep up the good work! I'm recommending and subscribing :)

You summary was a little too long. It seemed long enough to be a stand alone chapter.
You might want to think about shortening it up.

I thought the first chapter was boring. I know it was necessary for setup, but I thought that it really dragged on. There was a lot of dialogue that you might want to break up with some detail.

Everything was just simply perfect. I was a bit sad to see it wasn't completely, because I really just want to see how everything goes. But of course I've subscribed! :) I love the layout and just, the characters in this was simply perfect. Kirsten is amazing and so is everyone else. I can't tear my eyes away! Keep up the great job!

I just absolutely love this story. Everything that has happened to Kirsten is just so sad, she seems to have gone through Sooooo much, I really do not blame here for being a mute, like at all. I really like Leo though, he seems really sweet and they seem to go really good together, so I'm excited to see what happens with that. I also really love Zachy, he's a sweetheart as well. haha. I just really love your writing, its so captivating and really good! So please, update soon, okay! I can't wait to see what the surprise is from Leo and everyone. Also, Bubba is adorable and I want him. :P <3 but anyway, like I said, update sooooon!

The summary is so captivating and extremely sad. I couldn't help but to read it over and over again, feeling myself get sadder each time. You're detailed about her, I like how you described her life and the orphanage. Now I've only made it through the first two chapters and I could tell it's an amazing story (well I could already tell by the summary) but I had to comment now. I love this story so far. I am totally subscribing. <3

So, I started off reading this by reading through your summary. The summary alone made me start to tear up. You have an incredible gift, and I really hope you stick with it. This is incredible. I love that individuality you gave your characters. This sets you apart from so many other writers, you took risks that I, myself would probably not take and that for that I admire you :)

I really like the idea for the story, I've read one other about a mute girl before and I find it interesting to see the development of a character when they don't speak out loud.
I think that you need to proof read through because there is one or two grammatical errors, and also I think that sometimes more detail is needed. For example, in your authors note you posted the picture of her drawing. Instead of doing this you could have mentioned in the text that it was a Rose that she was drawing. Other than that, I really like this :)

Your summary really set a background for the story, so I really liked that. In the first chapter, I thought it was very interesting that the girl wrote her name down on paper and then said it was because she was mute. That really caught my attention and made want to read on so I can find out more about this mute girl. I've never read a story about a main character who was mute, so I really appreciated that.

I really adore Bianca's character. From what I saw in just the first chapter, she was very open to Kirsten being mute and didn’t judge her at all, although she did asked a lot of questions. I also like that Kirsten shrugs a lot. It’s something that I've gotten use to and it makes me feel like I know her based on the repetitive actions mentioned in the story. I also liked how, at first, Kirsten started with only having two contacts in her phone to having seven. I thought that was cute and nice. You've created a set of dynamic characters, and that really makes your story worth reading.

I noticed a couple of mistakes in the first chapter, that when fixed, will make your writing flow a bit better.

I never denied it because there was no reason too -- I think you meant "I never denied it because there was no reason to

I was sitting their going throw my pictures – I think you meant “I was sitting there going through my pictures.

I must have so distracted that I didn’t here Erin’s - You should add ‘been’ so it could read “I must have been so distracted that I didn’t hear Erin’s…

Other than that, keep up the great writing! Make sure you proofread too so you could find those little mistakes that you missed.

^__^