The Man She Met Online - Comments

Aww yay! Thank you for the mention! :D
And I much prefer the way you've made Matt now, his angry and obsessed rather than just obsessed :)
Keep 'em coming!

I love the changes made, they are huge changes but it's given Matt more reason behind his actions and shows he wasn't totally crazy from the start :'D
Update soon please!

I would just like to start off saying that the picture you chose of Matt to put on your banner - the one with the shirt that says 'Fuck Your Morals' - was a nice touch. Especially since this story is, well, about an old dude and a young girl.

I like that the layout is readable, because I've been through so many stories that I can't read the writing because they have a neon background with neon text. So I'm really glad that you chose the white background, because it made it reader and it looks a lot more neat. ( :
However, while I was reading this, I spotted several grammatical mistakes. No biggie, honestly, because you are still learning (we all are). But I would suggest (especially because it is for a contest) a beta reader/editor to go through and help out. I know for a fact that when you enter a contest, grammar errors are not over-looked by the judges, so a beta reader would help out for the small things like that.

The plot line. It was about a girl, trying desperately to fit in (to an annoying girl, might I add), and made a fake account on Facebook to play a joke on an older guy. A very attractive older guy, haha. And of course, she lies about her age because what guy in their right mind would fall for a thirteen year old if he is getting close to 30? Anyway, it turns out he's a crazy psycho and she doesn't like him at all and he knew all along that she was messing with him.

Okay. Well, after reading that, I feel pretty creeped out. Because Matt was pretty creepy. And scary.
And the fact that Lily and Zacky got married was also weird and do they really allow miners of that age to marry in Vegas?

A suggestion I would have, after finishing this, would be maybe to have made their ages a little... older. Maybe fifteen or sixteen, because it would still have the same creepy edge you were going for with this story, but it would also be less strange for Matt. Mostly because he said he's wanted her since she was five and, I don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything, but that's just not realistic. Maybe if he'd said it like, since she was eight or nine or something. But five? That's... just more insane that I can handle.

I think that your character, Harmony, didn't grow as much as I'd been expecting. She was a follower the whole time (which is good, because most people have their main character as leaders) and she never really changed. One big thing, which I'm glad you added, was that she felt guilty about playing Matt. Albeit, that was before she realized he was crazy. But that was a good thing to have her feel, because that showed some development. Another thing was how nervous she was. That could be construed as a possible foreshadowing to the events that she found herself in with Matt in the third chapter. Also, the fact that he was riding a white van was difficult to look past.

All in all, it wasn't a bad story. You don't have to take my suggestions above, but if you do and you ever need help with anything, just send me a message! I'd be happy to help with anything. ( :
I also seriously hope that you consider joining my contest. I know you said you were thinking about it. Just let me know if you decide to do so.

Thats My Baby!

loved the update:)

i like it seems good , cant wait for more!!

You know I like it. Can't wait to see the rest(:

Really like it so far
im excited for the next chapter keep up the good work:)