The Doll - Comments

First off, I've always loved that line from What a Catch, Donny. But really the symbolism is what really drives this piece and it's a very interesting take that I quite love. Two passages in particular really amazed me. The one about her mouth being sewn shut, again continuing with wonderful symbolism. And two, the passage about the shadows, sent a chill down my spine. Normally most would say you shouldn't start each paragraph with the same pronoun but I think it actually really helps set the tone and I quite enjoyed it.

Comment swap brought me here, and I'm glad it did I'm just a bit bummed that it's almost midnight and I'm exhausted, so my comment may not be very productive.

Anyway, I really like the layout, it's super awesome and I really enjoyed reading the first(and last chapter?) I sort of don't know whether to subscribe or not, was this a one shot? I've recommended and I probably will subscribe to show people and just in case you do write more?

Hey, I'm from comment swap :)

So first of all, not only did the title draw me in when I was first presented with your story, but the layout gave the impression of a mysterious.After reading the first couple of paragraphs and lines I am actually interested.This was brilliant. It was very well written. I love your writing style.Exceptional job, and I look forward to reading anything else that you have written, or will be writing in the future.

(I'm sorry I'm commenting again. Comment swap keeps telling me I need to comment. So I'm going to try one more time, and then just leave it, if it doesn't work.)

"I read it all through again and realised, as I read it, that to get all the details, I need to slow down and take it all in. This time around, I noticed that there were spiders right at the beginning - and then at the end as well. It tied the story together really well; with all the confusing images in the doll's vision, the story could have grown confusing to read, but you wrote it in a way where I could see everything. I particularly like the paragraph where you described her as having her mouth sewed up. It really drove in the point that the things the doll was seeing were just scary.

I have to say, though, that the last line - "I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match..." - didn't exactly match the story. The troubled thoughts, definitely - but you didn't include many points to imply a low self-esteem. I could tell the doll was unstable in her mind but I didn't really get a read on her confidence. Maybe if you added in a few lines here and there to outline how the hallucinations made her feel insecure about herself, like there was something faulty in her mind? Just a suggestion!

There was this line:
She thought she was going deaf, not being able to help the people with no mouths. - I think 'help' should be 'hear'. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me.

My interpretation of this was actually of a girl who has schizophrenia. I'm not quite sure why exactly she likens herself to a doll - there could be a number of reasons - but it adds that little more to the originality of the story.

Anyway, I thought this story was very well done, particularly in the descriptions of the girl's hallucinations. Hopefully, this comment will work this time!" - from last time.

"Oh my...I love this. It's just so creepy and original, and you wrote it so well. It had the perfect writing style to match it - like how you started many sentences with "The doll..." I actually liked that; it could have completely ruined the flow of your story, but somehow it didn't. You managed to make it work. All of it was described so well; the girl's hallucinations weren't overdone, they were scary and amazing. I adore the way you wrote about the people with no faces, and then how the man who actually noticed her did have a face.

There were a few errors...

They’re never was. - 'They're' should be 'There'.

You don’t belong here,” The worlds came out of the little black beak. - This should be: You don't belong here." The words came out of the little black beak.

No on wanted to save her, - 'on' should be 'one'.

Other than that, I thought this was amazing and a great story to read. Good luck with the contest!" - from the time before that.

(fingers crossed this works and it stops bugging me.)

I really enjoyed this story and I'm glad you suggested this to me to evaluate your writing, because I'm extremely impressed. You've got such a nice way of making things creepy - which will come in handy probably with the character you have selected. I love how you started nearly every paragraph with "The Doll" - it ties back to the title and I don't know, just makes it creepy. There was a lot of figurative and literal languages within it that I loved - you almost couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. I loved it. You're very talented.

I think you know my answer. ;)

Wow, this comfuses the crap outta me. It's like onee of those pictures with all the dots that somehow create an image... It weird, but I love this story for some odd reason. Great JOB! I'm recomending it :)

I honestly loved the layout and I've become very jealous of it. The colors you've used as vibrant and warm and its lovely to see something not pastel for a change. I personally was not a fan of the way you started off each paragraph with the word doll. It got tired for me after 3 paragraphs. However, I'm pretty sure some people would appeal to that type of thing.
Beautiful technically, I personally did not find anything spelling/grammar and honestly, if there was then when you take this to the publishers they do all that for you. Don't threat over every tiny mistake but don't ignore them either.
Beautiful detail and description, lovely writing style. I honestly enjoyed this, but its not really my type of thing. So well done, keep it up, and enjoy each word as you type it. Sadie J. Blue xxx

I know I've already commented but comment swap says I still need to comment. So I'm just going to try to leave another comment.

I read it all through again and realised, as I read it, that to get all the details, I need to slow down and take it all in. This time around, I noticed that there were spiders right at the beginning - and then at the end as well. It tied the story together really well; with all the confusing images in the doll's vision, the story could have grown confusing to read, but you wrote it in a way where I could see everything. I particularly like the paragraph where you described her as having her mouth sewed up. It really drove in the point that the things the doll was seeing were just scary.

I have to say, though, that the last line - "I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match..." - didn't exactly match the story. The troubled thoughts, definitely - but you didn't include many points to imply a low self-esteem. I could tell the doll was unstable in her mind but I didn't really get a read on her confidence. Maybe if you added in a few lines here and there to outline how the hallucinations made her feel insecure about herself, like there was something faulty in her mind? Just a suggestion!

There was this line:
She thought she was going deaf, not being able to help the people with no mouths. - I think 'help' should be 'hear'. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to me.

My interpretation of this was actually of a girl who has schizophrenia. I'm not quite sure why exactly she likens herself to a doll - there could be a number of reasons - but it adds that little more to the originality of the story.

Anyway, I thought this story was very well done, particularly in the descriptions of the girl's hallucinations. Hopefully, this comment will work this time!

Hi! I really enjoyed reading this story. Right from when I read the title I knew that it was going to be interesting. Throughout the entire story, there is an ominous background that makes the story that much creepier. I LOVE IT! Another thing that I love about this is that after reading this, people can take away a variety of messages. That’s what makes it so unique. I have to say that my favorite part was:

He looked surprised and worried. He looked into her eyes curiously, “What’s in your head?”
"I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match..." The doll answered.

It just tied the story together so much. You do have to watch out for some spelling and grammar mistakes though, but the comment below me put all the errors that I found. Overall, I think you did a wonderful job and I’m definitely recommending this story. (:

- Through comment swap.

Oh my...I love this. It's just so creepy and original, and you wrote it so well. It had the perfect writing style to match it - like how you started many sentences with "The doll..." I actually liked that; it could have completely ruined the flow of your story, but somehow it didn't. You managed to make it work. All of it was described so well; the girl's hallucinations weren't overdone, they were scary and amazing. I adore the way you wrote about the people with no faces, and then how the man who actually noticed her did have a face.

There were a few errors...

They’re never was. - 'They're' should be 'There'.

You don’t belong here,” The worlds came out of the little black beak. - This should be: You don't belong here." The words came out of the little black beak.

No on wanted to save her, - 'on' should be 'one'.

Other than that, I thought this was amazing and a great story to read. Good luck with the contest!

Um, sooo. I really like it. A lot. And I'm not sure why for some reason. There's just something about it. Something about how it's written. About how everything is tied together. The way you describe everything. Something about it is nice. I can't say why, I just like it.

At first I was going to say to not start out each paragraph with "The Doll" but then I realized it was done for a reason (for me it made the story a whole lot creepier).

So I take it that this girl is not in fact a doll, but someone who feels like one. The way she sees monsters coming out of the woodwork (literally and figuratively) and how the people she passes she's unsure if they really see her for her, or if they even care for that matter.

My favorite part in this was: "The doll walked along the path, back to her home. She didn’t want to go home. Back to the mother that didn’t believe her and to the father that beats her. Being at the park was no better today. Her dreams were everywhere."

It seemed to enwrap the entire story into just those couple of sentences and I thought that was pretty creative

Sounds like her demons are everywhere, ready to drag her down or tempt her. The ending is vague enough for the reader to hope she'll get help from the man but open to the reader's interpretation. Over all very nice :) I wish I could do more constructing but it's more than fine the way it is

This was... breath-taking. You wrote in such dream-like prose - it was almost hypnotic. I loved very original metaphor, and even that the characters were unnamed. You managed so much description in so few words; I loved the use of the colour, and especially the use of the lyric. You're a really talented writer and I really, really enjoyed this piece. I can't fault it.