Comment V card stolen. Your comment section is a naughty girl. Or boy. x) And I personally love the quote at the top.
I like how she's a dreamer, and stares out that window. It seems a bit typical, but everything else is used, so the cliche is refreshing, and I just love it. “Do it or I’m nailing plywood over that window you love so much.” I find the father awesome, because of this hilarious line. I'm just loving it.
You have a nice writing style. It's a bit awkward in some places, but otherwise very lovely. I only saw one little think I want to point out.
He’s consistent, to a point of annoyance, methodical and-
“Oh, by the way? You have drool all over your face. Not an attractive look for someone who’s only attempt at love is staring into the neighbor’s house.”
-brutally honest.
When it's read like this: He's consistent, to a point of annoyance, methodical and brutally honest. I believe there should be a "—" after "annoyance," otherwise the latter doesn't sound like it's reasons of annoyance, but just more of the list. I find those characters really help clean up awkward sentences.
“I hate it when you talk to me like that; it makes me want to punch you in the face, and that’s not a healthy environment for a child to be raised in.”
And I'm sorry. What did she say there? I totally had to reread that. It just, wow. She's not very nice is she? I mean, I like her, but DAMN. It surprises me that no one reacts. Is this, like, the norm or something? Just, wow. o.o
Overall, I like the story. It's interesting, and I defiantly think you should continue. :)
July 30th, 2011 at 10:06am
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I like how she's a dreamer, and stares out that window. It seems a bit typical, but everything else is used, so the cliche is refreshing, and I just love it. “Do it or I’m nailing plywood over that window you love so much.” I find the father awesome, because of this hilarious line. I'm just loving it.
You have a nice writing style. It's a bit awkward in some places, but otherwise very lovely. I only saw one little think I want to point out.
He’s consistent, to a point of annoyance, methodical and-
“Oh, by the way? You have drool all over your face. Not an attractive look for someone who’s only attempt at love is staring into the neighbor’s house.”
-brutally honest.
When it's read like this: He's consistent, to a point of annoyance, methodical and brutally honest. I believe there should be a "—" after "annoyance," otherwise the latter doesn't sound like it's reasons of annoyance, but just more of the list. I find those characters really help clean up awkward sentences.
“I hate it when you talk to me like that; it makes me want to punch you in the face, and that’s not a healthy environment for a child to be raised in.”
And I'm sorry. What did she say there? I totally had to reread that. It just, wow. She's not very nice is she? I mean, I like her, but DAMN. It surprises me that no one reacts. Is this, like, the norm or something? Just, wow. o.o
Overall, I like the story. It's interesting, and I defiantly think you should continue. :)