Just saying, but you need to separate your dialogue into individual paragraphs. Every new line of dialogue should start a new paragraph, especially if someone else is speaking than before. Seeing big blocks of text like this is very harrowing for me as a reader, and it is a huge turn off, I was half-tempted to exit without reading. However, I'm glad I did read it. Other than a handful of grammar mistakes and the paragraph issue, this was a good story. I enjoyed it, and I encourage you to keep writing.
June 11th, 2012 at 03:23am
