I think this is a good story that will attract a lot of readers and attention in time. I do adore the layout but think you need to space everything out more in the chapter. It's sort of 2 or 3 giant blocks of text. That could be mibbas fault instead of indenting you have to hit the enter sign 2 times to leave a single space.
Like this. I'm not sure why indenting doesn't work too well. But do that after each new line of text and in between paragraphs and I think everything is excellent =] I enjoy the concept.