Handcrafted Monsters - Comments

After reading the second chapter, you’ve definitely got me hooked. I’m curious as to why Baythal forgets that Archie is a boy sometimes. And I’m also curious as to why they have to wait a certain amount of time to have babies and why exactly they are picked up in a building and not had like normal babies. I love all the strange names you’ve got floating around in this story, about as much as I like the story line so far. I’m really intrigued by Archie, just because he seems slightly different from most everyone else. Like the way that he talks, for instance. His words seem more intelligent. You made him obviously different, but readers still don’t know why, which makes them want to keep reading.

What you’ve got here is gold. I really love this story and you’ve earned yourself a subscriber. :D

First of all, I don’t normally read futuristic stories, which might be a bad thing on my part because what you’ve got so far is amazing. I’ve only read the first chapter and I’m already completely hooked. Your descriptions of people are beautiful. I could see the older man and this woman perfectly in my mind. I could practically hear her heels clicking in this hallway. And I appreciate how well you kept the characteristics in line. When you mentioned she liked to be addressed as Miss and then further went on to only address her as Miss until the end of the chapter, that really showed her characteristics. Like I already mentioned, you did a beautiful job with your descriptions. I could see this woman’s almost smug expression. And at the very end of the chapter, when she was given the bundle, I wasn’t sure what it was and I love the fact that you didn’t do the cliché thing and mention a baby whimpering or crying, but actually waited until the very last sentence to even mention that the bundle was a baby.

First chapter is A+

I really like the idea, it's cool. It's not really my things but I really like the idea. I liked the layout and summary too. Your writing is very detailed, which I love and extremely creative.

Not really my thing, it seemed interesting at first, but I just couldn't get into it.

Also, I noticed a run-on sentence in the first paragraph that had a couple of redundancies in it. And sometimes I would forget what you were talking about half way through a sentence because it was so long or had changed subject before switching right back to the first one. So I might sepparate a coupld of the sentences into two, or maybe even three, different ones.

I'm not gonna lie, the moment I read that sentence (the summary) my first thought was quite literally "Oh, I love you."
I haven't read this yet. And I'm not going to tonight. Because if I read even the first sentence, I probably won't stop. I have been trying to build up the motivation to go to bed for almost five hours, and it's almost four in the morning, so yeah that would be a bit counterproductive at this point. But I will! I will. Don't you worry. I'll be back for this. Just had to tell you you're amazing enough to get me sucked in with one sentence. kbye.

I really love the concept for this, especially the plot of the first chapter, and the way the woman goes about accepting the baby. The language you use to refer to this, and the way you describe the awkward motions and not-quite-human artificiality of it all is just great.

I do think, however, that your expression is sometimes a bit on the cumbersome side. Especially in the opening paragraph, you use a few too many adjectives. While I have nothing against verbose sentences in general, I think they should be used only as necessity demands, and here you could communicate the same images by being more succinct.

This mentioned, all the biotech references, and the creativity of your setting, are, as I say, just wonderful. I think that's the best thing about what you've got here, so well done!

I really like this so far!

So, just because this is Mibba and we obsess over layouts here, I'll start with that. I loved the simplicity, and yet how colorful it was. The picture reminded me of a Coldplay album cover, which was welcoming(:

The story is very well thought out, or at least it seems to be. I loved how the prologe was all mysterious and we didn't know her true intentions until the end of the chapter. I also liked the hints about defects, which I'm assuming would be how Archie acts more like tha girl than a boy...? Or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. Anyways, I also like how you're slowly creating your own futuristic (possibly) world a little bit at a time, and not coming right out and describing evey aspect of it. That woud take so serious patience for me >.< Overall, I really like where this story is going!

PS sorry it took so long. Pottermore excitment and whatnot haha

I absolutely love how simple this layout is. It's definitely lovely! <3 Anyways, I really, really like how you start this off. Your writing is so detailed and beautiful, especially when describing characters such as that woman in the beginning. I'm very curious to find out what's going on in that government building and what will happen to that little baby. It seems very foreboding and scary and just downright interesting. silk tea. basically took the words right out of my mouth about your writing. It's so beautiful and amazing and very mature-sounding. It's perfect and I enjoyed reading this. However, I don't have time to read the second chapter, as it's very late over here and I'm amazed that I'm still away. I'll be subbing to this and will come back when I can to read more. Oh, and I'll leave a better comment when I do! Amazing job :D <3

I really love your layout. It’s very nice. I loved the tiny summery you had... We're all just science experiments gone wrong. <3

But to be honest, I fell in love with your style of writing. So mature and very clean. The description is spot on amazing! The characters seem to be coming to life bit by bit. I can see this grow into something very outstanding. I’m going to keep my eye on it. :)

I like the layout, it's pretty but plain and simple at the same time and it doesn't distract the reader away from the story which is good. One thing though, I'm not a fan of the font. I find tthat font extremely hard to read in a story, though I don't mind it for anything else but that's just me, so I wouldn't take it too seriously. x]

I really liked your descriptions in the opening paragraph of the story, it's quite lengthy but it adds to the story and I like how it's kind of subtly weaved into the story instead of it being chunky random descriptions for no reason. I'm loving your choice of words and your writing is beautiful, it's very articulate and fluent and easy to read! I admit the chapter kind of confused me, with the girl being ushered into meetings and meeting that mysterious Joseph guy but I can tell you intended it to be like this, so the reader is in the dark yet intrigued. Haha, I'm on the second chapter and I'm loving Pegs already. Without saying so, the reader can already tell that Pegs is kind of an airhead and is a bit dismissive and fluffy and vain, just through her actions and dialogue. I really like Sloan too, she's so cute and she's the epitome of innocence :D I really liked this story so far, good job <33 Btw, I also love how it's futuristic yet it's easy to read, most sci-fi/futuristic stuff is difficult for me xD

Well, first thing I want to say is that I'm so sorry for how long this has taken. Real life has gotten in the way hardcore. Any who, here we go. Now I love the title of this. Were this to be a novel I'd definitely pick it up just because of how much I love the title. One quick thing, I would recommend choosing a different font Tahoma[or Trebuchet, they look the same to me] is just super chunky. I vote for either Times New Roman or Georgia. Now the story itself, your writing is fucking ridiculous. I love just how...detailed it is. That's so not what I wanted to say but I"m at a loss for words.

. Preferring to simply be referred to as Miss when dealing dealing with business such You've got 'dealing' twice in there.

This sounds like it'd be an actual novel. You've got a very mature voice in your writing. The descriptions of the woman at the beginning of the chapter was done so that you could get a perfect image but where it wasn't blunt and boring. It literally 'painted a picture' and while that saying is awful and cliche it really did. I'm definitely interested in reading more so I shall be subscribing and leaving lengthier comments. :]

Oh my God! I hate Kane! Ugh! I'm sorry, I had to take that off my chest. Grr..
Anyway, I thought it was a real interesting and new plot. Now, the six year leave and how they purchase the baby and don't go through that whole giving birth thing kicks ass xD I wish the real world was like that. I want to have a kid in a year and a half, maybe two so sucks for me xD
Anyway, there are a few small mistakes in grammar but besides that I like how you wrote the story. I don't really like Archies mom that much cause she seems like a bit too uncaring and Pegs, ugh, seems like the typical chattery neighbor/friend who has something to say ALWAYS. xD but I like the story so I'll subscribe, I'm guessing something will go wrong with Archie so I wanna find out :)
By the way, I'm responding to your comment swap journal so when you can check out my story. Pure Beauty :)

I really liked the layout and I'm very interested where this story could end up! I thought that the first chapter was very interesting, the way you describe it and everything. I don't really know what the plot is or where this story could be headed though... Overall, I think this is great, keep up the good work! :D

I'm writing parts of this as I read, so sorry if it doesn't make much sense, aha. :D

chapter one:
Preferring to simply be referred to as Miss when dealing dealing with business such as the business she was on the particular night, the sharp click of bright red heels came with each step up towards the second floor. -- You repeated the word "dealing" twice, just a typo. I also think this sentence could be rephrased a little. You say "business" twice very close to each other, and it sounds kind of... awkward. Like maybe you could say dealing with business such as the kind she was on the particular night... And then the rest of the sentence, sounds kind of odd to me as well. Maybe you could phrase it like ...night, her bright red heels clicked with each step toward the second floor. But maybe that's just me.

I love your description of the old doctor, and the fact the he's a hundred and twenty-five years old. That definitely caught my attention. I thought adding the fact that it was taboo that he hadn't tried to change himself to look younger made me want to know more about this society, and made the title make a little more sense. I understood that this new civilization had taken to being, well, fake. It got me totally interested.

So towards the end I really got into it, like "What's the whole point of this, why is she here?" And then it talked about a bundle and I was like, "Okay, they're making babies in here...?" and then I was right and I was like, "BAM, WHAT UP." But it definitely makes me wonder about a society that doesn't even create their own babies anymore, but instead walks in some building, buys them, and walks out. AND the babies are supposed to be perfect? Well, that's super original. I have a feeling, however, this kid is gonna be one of the few that has a defect, right? I'm totally right. JUST WATCH.

chapter two:
The contrast of the two chapters is unbelievable. In a good way, though. I like the contrast. The first chapter reminded me of a futuristic society, babies in incubators, flying cars, all the good stuff. And then the second chapter almost gives this 1950s housewife feel, with some futuristic details thrown in there. Which I thought was super interesting.

When Pegs is talking to Baythal about getting her daughter to have fertility surgery and everything, it reflected very casually on the previous chapter which was so perfect. So I'm guessing the women are sterile in this new society and, like I said, reproduction is basically nonexistent except for in labs. I kind of didn't really like Pegs that much, aha. I don't really think she's supposed to be a likable character, but I still didn't like her. Like she was using children to just be a lazy housewife.

I really like how Archie is described, in little ways like how he's selfless with Sloan, and in obvious ways: ...something about him was pretty in a way that boys usually weren't, somehow giving off an air of trustworthiness as well as an acute vulnerablity... I like him already and I don't even know that much about him. Also, you spelled "vulnerability" wrong, but no biggie. Just an accident, I'm sure. You left out the first "i".

I also like how their dialogue sets up even more of a setting for the story without being super obvious about it.

This story is extremely unique, and I love it. It kind of reminds me of Fahrenheit 451, with the dystopian society and all. Nice work. :D

Layout
I like how it's pretty basic with a bold colour as the outer layout, white in the story area and then a simple picture that has a whole lot more colour. Nothing's competing with anything else within the story layout, so it's good because it doesn't distract. :) It does look a little awkward where the title would be, I think if you didn't want that extra white space there, you could just take the font size to zero and it wouldn't look as awkward. :)

Summary
I've always been a fan of one-line summaries, or lyrics instead of a summary trying to intrigue the reader. I think that they always seem to capture the mood rather than a a paragraph or two kind of hinting at what's to come. And that's what your summary does. :) Even if it's only one line, it sets a vibe - that this story might be dark, and it may deal with unsettling issues even. And that it has a slight mood of danger - that something might be brewing within the plot and something's gonna happen. :) I like the line, anyways.

Chapter One
Preferring to be referred to simply as Miss when dealing with - I think this line reads a little awkwardly. I think 'Miss' needs to be in a different place. Like, Preferring to be simply referred to as Miss when dealing... or, Preferring to simply be referred to...

business such as the - I think you may also need a comma after the first business

She was, as most women during the winter season, breathtakingly beautiful. - I don't quite get this. You read this sentence, and then afterwards you read about the make-up on her face. And it just seems odd, because why is it just winter that women are breathtakingly beautiful? Why is it only her face that makes it so? My line of thought after reading that sentence was maybe she was wearing an exquisite fur coat with some dead animal wrapped around her neck, the cold of the night making her flustered and all of those kinds of things. But what came after doesn't quite make sense nor give any reason as to why women are only beautiful in winter if they wear make-up.

"Well?" She prompted - lower case 's.'

his one hundred and twenty-fifth birthday was coming up soon, - I like how this is innocently mentioned, like to everyone in the plot it just seems like something normal, but to the readers it's like whoa, hold up. It definitely helps create that interest, and how this man is living so old - and what she might have to do with it.

It's kinda finny, while you're reading about the old man, you kind of get that old vibe - like his grandfathers pen, and just the way he seems to act. And then a computer is present, and you're taken back into the present, where the world is way ahead than what we know. It's quite amusing.

the set of doors swinging back and leading to a dimly lit room. - you don't need 'and' in there. It makes for more awkward reading.

Twelve table occupied the space, - missing an 's,' :)

back and feet shoulder width apart. - back, with their feet a shoulder width apart, it doesn't quite make sense the way you wrote it - but that's because there are words missing from it.

bundle rapped in a - wrapped

few documents, to confirm your purchase." - you don't really need that comma in there. I think the sentence is already too broken up by commas, that some pauses begin to sound unnecessary.

luxury, "You'll want - full stop, not a comma.

"Defects?" She repeated, - lower case 's'

Another thing for the sake of this chapter, I've noticed that a few of the errors that I pointed out are also errors that i saw sparks pointed out too. And that was maybe a few weeks ago judging by the date. So, it might pay to actually go and edit the chapter so people aren't commenting with all the errors that have already been mentioned.

I think this chapter sets up the plot well. You keep the reader in the dark reasonably well, they're not quite sure what exactly is going on - but it's something that might seem a little too deviant within the society they live. It's definitely intriguing. And as I mentioned before, it does feel like there's a bit of the old mixed in with this entirely new world...and that makes for a good read because while it retains a bit of familiarity, it still has that alien-ness to it. And also, I thought it was quite good how you didn't mention her name until the last chapter of the story - it just gave her a sense of anonymity and even a little danger.

I also like that you present the little ideas of conflict with these women taking babies - because it's becoming apparent that they are the science experiments? Not entirely brought into the world in the way most usually are? If not, then I've possibly read the whole thing wrong. And if so, it's good to see that this isn't all dandy like you'd think it might be.

Chapter Two
the warm arm, - air?

she had adapted - within the sentence that this is written, adopted would be the correct term. However, if you wanted to use 'adapted' you could add in to so, she had adapted to.

Spring had arrived in Danforth not long ago, and parks were now opening across the city, giving the women an excuse to busy themselves in a way other than housework. - again, this brings in that sense of the old within this future world. It's quite interesting. :)

"We've talked about it on more occasion than one. - this also reads a little awkwardly, I think you could maybe change it to "We've talked about it on more than one occasion.

and beliefs with Pegs was - 'when' instead of 'with?' That sentence also doesn't quite make sense.

from work and once and - 'at once'

hand dismisevly before flipping - dismissively

baby whenever Sloan - 'when.' Whenever makes it sound like she doesn't really know when Sloan's birthday is.

By then I'll be able to take a year off for her fertility surgery and preperation. - I really do like how these things are casually mentioned, and it introduces the reader into the type of society they all live in. But you don't go to in depth, you mention it, and then you're left wondering when this will all tie back into the plot, and what it all means. I mean, it's very intriguing. :) And preparation.

I wouldn't touch another thing covered in shit and piss for a few years. - this sounds way too out of place for the two women. You've got them speaking relatively proper in the rest of the dialogue then all of a sudden there's slight swearing. It doesn't quite fit - in all honesty, it takes away the seriousness behind it all.

"You only get one girl and one boy. It's the rules, or else you get in trouble." - and another point of interest. :) You just keep handing out these little hints, and it seems to move the plot along in an interesting direction. :) At the moment, it reminds me of Chinese society and their thing about children - and I think that's pretty neat, because then the reader almost has a point of reference until they get the full picture of what's happening.

good kick into Archie eyes - Archie's

okay, and he - you don't need and in there.

I think this chapter definitely explores the women well, and through them you're able to slightly portray the society they live in, and that sheds some clarity on the mysterious goings of the previous chapter. So that's pretty good. :) And then you cut to the two children, and then in their innocent way they share even more about what goes on, and it really shows how the society is drenched in law and control - and you can see that control within the husbands.

And it's that kind of control that makes me feel like the past in this story is around the 1920's to the 1950's, yet it's a whole lot more modern too. It's just so interesting how you get that old vibe mixed in with the new. I mean, overall, it's got that dystopian vibe, and that means there's going to be a whole lot of conflict - and you've created quite a few situations where the reader could see conflict as a feasible thing.

And as for the title tying into the plot so far - it kind of relates to Archie, and for some reason it kind of feels like that him being rather smart for his age is something not quite well thought of. And thus, it feels like maybe that's where the things are going wrong - creating human beings that are smarter than the system. It's like he might be his mothers hope of improving her life, but then it might be put in danger. I don't know, it's all rather interesting to think about. :)

I just think you might need to go and fix those slight errors, and possibly re-read over chapters after posting them, and then you'll have an intriguing plot, with a very decent flow and next to no errors. :) It's a very neat plot with a unique take. :)

I am still not awake, but since I love you and am generally a good person, I will comment.

I really loved the update; it was interesting to see more characters and how they interacted with one another. I'm not sure why, but I didn't really like Pegs. She seemed kind of snooty, I suppose. I really like Archie though. He sounds precious. I like how he speaks in a more sophisticated manner than the other children, Sloan and Kane. I don't know if you did that intentionally, but it was a nice touch. It makes him seem a bit more alienated, which is sad, but it seems like he is destined to be that sort of character. So yeah.

I really love how simple the layout is, it doesn't distract you from the story itself and doesn't hurt me eyes.

As for the story, I like how you described her. And I like her name Baythal (sp?). Its unique and this stort is really refreshing (:

I really like they layout. Especially the picture. You are a good writer and the story is interesting. The paragraphs are very long, I would prefer them to be shorter, but it's still very good. (:

The layout is simple, which I love because the background color really matches the picture. As for the picture, it gave out a spooky vibe to the story when I first saw it and the mysterious summery/ sentence adds to that.

I really like how sutle the facts about their life are, like the skin treatment and the fact that he is 125 years of age. The ending, where the man was talking about defects, made me wonder what he could have given her until it clicked in my brain that it could be a robot.

This, I have to say, was a very well written, and attention capturing first chapter to this story. Little hints about the world and everything around them are thrown into the chapter, while still surrounding it with an air of mystery. Well done.

Story Review Thread

Layout and Summary:

First off, I really like the layout. It's simple, so it doesn't distract me from the actual story, but it's still just enough to give the reader a feel for the story. From the banner, I get the impression that this is going to be a darker story, and I like that you didn't automatically go to black as one of the primary colors of the layout. I feel like the dusty color of this is more unique.

I think the summary's nice; I really like the line you chose to use. I have to admit though, if this is going to be a chaptered fic, I think you need a little bit more of a summary, just so that the reader will have a bit of a grasp on what it is that they're getting themselves into. In my opinion (and that's all it is, my opinion XD), one-liners work well for oneshots and shorter pieces, but they don't have enough information to cover a chaptered piece.

Chapter One:

I really like how you set up the scene just in the first paragraph, though I've got to admit, it was kind of an overload for me. Generally, when you chose to describe all of the physical characteristics of a character in one paragraph, it doesn't stick for the reader. It's just too much to really grasp on to in that short amount of words. It's usually better to weave the description throughout the piece.

I did thoroughly enjoy this chapter as an introduction. From the title and the brief conversation towards the end, I can assume that this story is going to be focused on those defects, and I thought that using this contrasting view of the "industry" (for lack of a better word) was a great tactic on your part.

For the most part, the flow was spot-on, with the exception of a few parts that I found to be a bit awkwardly-worded.

As far as constructive criticism goes, I only really have a couple suggestions, and they aren't really that ground-breaking as far as criticism goes. I have to admit that I didn't really feel anything for the characters involved, but of course, this is only the first chapter, so I don't see it as being a big deal right now, though I would keep it in mind. Also, I'm aware that this is science-fiction, but I still wasn't really drawn in, the tone just felt too hard and dry for me to really get absorbed into it fully. I understand that sci-fi is supposed to be sort of distanced, but I would, in the future, try to soften it up slightly, just so the reader won't be completely distanced from the story and the characters.

Though your grammar was great, I did catch a couple small errors.

Preferring to be referred to simply as Miss when dealing with business such as the business... - "Miss" should have quotations around it, but only in this sentence.

"Well?" She prompted curtly... - "She" shouldn't be capitalized here. "Prompted" is still a dialogue tag, such as "said," so it's still the same sentence as the portion of dialogue.

Twelve table occupied the space... - Tables.

Their outfit took away all shape and figure... - It should be "their outfits."

With a nod, she moved to the table at the very end of both the vertical and horizontal row, removing a small bundle rapped in a dark blue cover. - "Rapped" should be "wrapped." Just a small typo Word didn't catch.

Though she had always been warned by both her parents and the endless commercial that government officials output over the years... - Commercials.

Overall, I thought this was a very strong opening chapter. Though a bit of it felt a little monotonous, particularly the description of the room where she received the baby,I thought you did an excellent job of establishing this future world without making it all feel too forced. I also think that, from what I've read of this, you have a unique concept in mind, and I wish you luck as you continue on with this.