yeah this story really reels you in and keeps you reading :) nice job! and i loved the elfen lied opening song... it always brings a tear to my eyes for some reason :P
I like it. Simple and yet it draws you in. I suck at one shots/short stories, but you pulled it off nicely. And I really like the song you linked. I've had an obsession for Japanese music lately....that is Japanese isn't it?