Bryony - Comments

Lovely update (read late, sorry ><)

I particularly like the description of the mausoleum's interior. I can see it in my minds eye, and I can almost smell it.

I like this: Bryony didn't like how casual Sienna talked about such a barbaric thing, but she did as she was told and slid into the car.
It adds to the sense that she feels or realises that she has no other choice but to accept what Sienna says. However it feels as though she just accepts this too easily. I feel that, even if she does as Sienna says without questioning her allowed, there would be a bit more condemnation in Bryony's thought? I'm not sure.

Any way, very interesting chapter and, despite being a casual barbarian, I already like Sienna's character. She has a strong voice, and her whole character is extremely well put together.
I look forward to finding out more about Chang :)

Lovely update (read late, sorry ><)

I particularly like the description of the mausoleum's interior. I can see it in my minds eye, and I can almost smell it.

I like this: Bryony didn't like how casual Sienna talked about such a barbaric thing, but she did as she was told and slid into the car.
It adds to the sense that she feels or realises that she has no other choice but to accept what Sienna says. However it feels as though she just accepts this too easily. I feel that, even if she does as Sienna says without questioning her allowed, there would be a bit more condemnation in Bryony's thought? I'm not sure.

Any way, very interesting chapter and, despite being a casual barbarian, I already like Sienna's character. She has a strong voice, and her whole character is extremely well put together.
I look forward to finding out more about Chang :)

I love your new layout, especially the bat on the summary page.
It's simple, classy, and easy to read.
I reread the two chapters that you edited, and you did a really great job!
The descriptions and pacing have really improved, and I can't wait to see where this story goes! :]

I really like the layout and the bat that you have in the layout, it's nice and simple and it matches perfectly :) It adds a nice touch without it being too over the top and extravagant. :) I really like your summary, it gives the reader an idea of what's going on without going into too much depth, yet still managing to give away enough so the reader doesn't totally wander into the story blindfolded. :)

I really like the dialogue between Lucas and Bryony, it is natural and it is reminiscent of how teenage couples speak, especially when the guy's trying to worm his way into the girl's pants. xD I like that you're getting right to the point and that you don't mince words and I really like the descriptions of when she's dying. It's fast paced but I get the feeling it's meant to be like that, like it's all a blur, really :)

I like Bonnie's coming to terms that she's in a coffin and I just love the fact that your take on vampires is like the original, vampires have been blacklisted in most people's eyes because of Twilight >:[ I like the part when she drinks off the caretaker, it's descriptive and you can clearly see how hungry she is, without you having to say it.

Kudos, what a great story so far :)

I enjoyed this. I think it will be a freshening of the Vampire genre, and I'm interested in seeing where it goes.

I'm in agreement with thescientist in that there could be more description of both the setting and the characters. I got a pretty good mental image of what was happening, but it could be clearer and more detailed. It's true we don't get to see much of their characters, Lucas's especially.

As has also been said, her sudden strength seems very unrealistic. For me, this is partially because she doesn't question it as much as I imagine she would. She seems to take it for granted that throwing herself against a concrete slab will have good results, although in her situation, I am sure I would have given up hope. Maybe give us some sensory description? I imagine after the transition she's feeling a little bizarre; after all, she is no longer human. I think little 'tells' would add depth to the situation.

I liked Bryony's realisation that she was in a coffin- it was unexpected but it made so much sense. However, it was very sudden, and I didn't quite realise at first how she might have come to that conclusion.

I also liked the description of the caretakers blood tasting like 'fire and ice'. It is the sort of description that I can feel myself, even retyping it now.

I really enjoyed this, and am looking very much forward to more :)

Layout and Summary

I thought that the summary was short, to the point, and intriguing. It definitely made me want to read the story. I usually don’t like summaries that pretty much tell the entire plot, so you did a really good job with that! I thought that the layout was nice, but the background sort of detracted from the actual story. That’s just me, though.

Chapter One

This started off a little odd since the characters didn’t really have an introduction. The reader doesn’t know who they are, what they look like, their back-story, etc. The start of the story is very quick, and it’s good that you’re getting right to the point, but I feel like there could have been some more buildup. I think this chapter is good, and with a little change in pacing, it could be great.

Chapter Two

I’m surprised that she could use her vampire strength so easily just after she was turned, but I really liked how you described the inside of the coffin. Especially the line, “It was so dark she couldn't tell if her eyes were really open or not.” It really stuck out to me, for some reason. The little cliffhanger at the end was the perfect way to finish the chapter, since now the reader wants to know who the person speaking is.

Overall, with a little more description and patience when it comes to moving the plot forward and introducing new things and people, this story could be really great. It’s definitely on its way there!

Interesting, I'm curious as to see where this goes. Good story line so far and hooking. But work on describing things a bit more. Also Even if she had a vampires freakish strength its gonna take more than that to bust out of a coffin that is reinforved by a concreate slabe and 6 feet of dirt. It just doesn't seem realistic. Anyway keep up the good work and I'm definatly subscribing