Angelic Love - Comments

Interesting concept. Try adding some more detail. "Show don't tell." It will make the story more engaging. It also looks like there is a typo in the fourth paragraph. " Tonight it wasn’t my spot, it mine the figures spot." I'm not entirely sure where you were going with that sentence.

Interesting concept. Try adding some more detail. "Show don't tell." It will make the story more engaging.

Oh, and if you decide you’re interested in my first chapter too, we should follow each other!! ❤️

Oh, and if you decide you’re interested in my first chapter too, we should follow each other!! ❤️

Oh, and if you decide you’re interested in my first chapter too, we should follow each other!! ❤️

Oh, and if you decide you’re interested in my first chapter too, we should follow each other!! ❤️

First paragraph has no tension. Can you start it off with a fresh fight and just arriving, and then describe the sanctuary it provides?

“concentration broke in…” try “into”

Describe the weather. You mention it’s great at night, but is it cold? Gentle warm breeze?

“A feeling of uneasiness” how about a “sensation?” You use feel and felt like seven times in one paragraph… Mix it up! Drop it to two and use some other words. Sensation, experience, impression, awareness, ect.

“Tonight it wasn’t my spot, it mine the figures spot.” I have no idea what you meant. I’m sorry.

I’m pretty sure you mentioned the spot not being shared before and being the narrator’s.

You’re story is engaging and interesting but I’m feeling bogged down by all of the repetition. Keep your sentences as fresh as possible by using unique analogies and new words. (I can provide examples upon request.)

“part of me was intrigued…” There isn’t anything wrong with this, but I would have wrote, “I was drawn, or pulled, or tugged.” Maybe even use something the narrator likes. I don’t know what they like, but let’s just be basic and say they like hot fudge sundaes. “My frustration at having my special spot invaded seemed to dissolve, and I felt drawn in as though there was a fresh made, hot fudge sundae sitting in front of me.” (I know this sounds dumb, but again, use an analogy that would work for the narrator.

I want to start feeling some tension. This the narrator’s spot! They’re feeling mad/annoyed/frustrated, but I also sense more than intrigue. Something is attractive about this person who is in their spot.

Babe… the narrator isn’t going to think about what they wonder. They would say, “Was it a male or female? What kind of person were they? Were they there for the exact same reason as me, to find peace? Or… did they come to find prey, and did I just walk into the trap like a wounded fox into a snare. (or some other unique, cool analogy. Again, I don’t really know the narrator yet. But this would be a cool spot to give a little metaphor of how she sees herself.)

“…mystery person that was there.” Drop “that was there.” Drop “down” (When you sit, we know it’s down.)

“I sat in the furthest swing from the mystery person.” Or even a little more confident and dramatic, “Refusing to be ruffled by the serendipitous turn of events, I claimed my swing, although it was the furthest from the mystery person.”

“…unless I felt safe enough to do so.” Change to, “unless I felt safe.”

Again, drop all of “I thought, I wondered.” This is the narrator, anything they “say” we know they are thinking/wondering.

Change, “I thought in doing this, I would send…” to “I would send…”

Instead of “…to who was there with me” simply “to who was there.” (We know they’re there with the narrator. Less is more.)

“I didn’t want them to think I was someone looking to encounter someone new, whether it is for the right or wrong reasons.”

Change to, “I wasn’t someone looking to encounter someone new, regardless of the reasons.”

The narrator is “thinking” I don’t think “I think I will take a shower.” I just think, “I will take a shower.” See what I mean?

Okay, the sand is warm, so the air is too? Is there a breeze? I love this description by the way. Drop “Just” both times.

Comma after thoughts, and consider this, “The light swinging made me lose all thought, and I was swept away into another world, each light breeze from the motion taking me farther away.

Then I heard a faint voice…

The stranger was talking to me…

The soft voice was a boy’s/guy’s, and he repeated, “I said, I don’t bite.”

Although his voice seemed inviting, I refused to budge.

Was his voice a deception? Or is he a harmless boy?”

So now the boy moves closer to our narrator!!!!!

Oh, I love the haunting blue eyes!!! :)

Gah! I love his description!!!

It is perfect, but the pronouns are repetitious, consider, “The face staring at me was of an angel; so perfect. Haunting blue eyes pinned me to the swing. His rosy lips had a curl like that of Cupid’s bow, matching his coloring, and it drew the eyes to his high cheek bones. Perfect, pearly teeth were exposed in a gentle grin, and a button nose adorned his cherub face. Even his ears appeared as perfect shapes.”

“Sorry,” I whispered. <-- How about giving us some feelings? Yeah, this guy is a perfect angel. Is the narrators heart throbbing? Hands turning clammy? Face getting hot? This is a pivotal moment! :)

“Family life is never easy, is it?” (add comma)

“How would you know what I come here for?” (Drop comma)

Drop all the “he said” “I said” There are only two people in the entire story so far. As long as you are alternating the paragraphs like you’re doing, we don’t need them, and they are redundant.

“You’re right. Family life is never really easy; especially with mine.” (Also, add a period)
“What happens?”
“Lots.”
“May I have examples?”
See what I mean? We always know who’s speaking. :)

Instead of, “it made me feel comfortable” try “I felt comfortable.” Drop “thought”

“…dad, and I defend my sister.” (and comma) She’s right. <-- this is an independent clause and needs a period before you continue with, “I know she is.”

“All of these questions were making me feel things I’ve never felt before.” Consider changing to, “The gentle questions stirred something unfamiliar inside of me.”

Those gorgeous blue eyes seemed to penetrate my very soul; and I liked it. I finally felt special.

Yeah has an “h.”

“I wasn’t sure what he had planned, but whatever it was, I was along for the ride.” Consider changing to “What did he have planned? Whatever it was; I was along for the ride.”

“I looked down to the floor, and I felt…” (You need a comma there.) Or you could drop the extra “I.”

“I looked down to the floor and felt tears…” Drop “I had no idea.” Instead “Why did this happen? He’s a stranger! Why am I crying.”

“…he wanted to do. I would let him.” (I would let him is an independent clause. You need either a period or a semicolon.) Same with “This moment was special; I wouldn’t kill it.” (Didn’t want is kind of like I think. Be more precise. :) )

Okay, I love what you’re going for, but this is how I’d do it:
Before I could draw a breath, his soft lips encompassed mine. The spark from the sensation burst through my blood stream, spreading to every inch of me like slipping into a steaming bath. Never have I felt such a passionate sensation, and I was overcome. My head leaned toward him, trying to savor the sensation as he pulled away with a soft smacking sound that trickled down my arms, leaving goose flesh in its wake.

You should end the chapter with him putting the charm in the narrator’s hand, and saying, “Only look at that when I’m gone, Chastity.”

This is suspenseful and dramatic. The readers are like, “What? How did he know her name?”

End the chapter there! :)

I thought this was a fun idea. I’m definitely attracted to this mysterious angelic guy! I do want to know how this unfolds for chastity!
Read my first chapter, and if you like my writing too, maybe we can swap some more chapters! :)

Also, it’s totally cool and reasonable if you hate my suggestions. They’re just what popped into my mind at the moment. It doesn’t mean they’re right. (Except the grammar, that’s law.)
You had a lot of good things going for you, and I came up with suggestions to perhaps help you enhance what’s already there. I wouldn’t change anything major; I think you have a solid first chapter.

I hope to hear back from you! <3

This is for the 'story-swap-comment' I got! :)

I only wished there was more descriptions, but then again, it's only the first chapter. I did like it though and I think it was written well. I only saw a few spelling mistakes - I make more - so it's not a big problem a once-over won't fix.

“Only look at that when I’m gone, Chastity,” (Red flags would start popping up in my mind. Dammit, I have a stalker on my hands.)

I was a really sweet moment though, I do agree - mixed with other feelings of 'what the hell am she doing kissing this stranger?'

It's sad though that the both of them are seemingly going through family problems.

Enjoyed. Liked. Well done!

P.S. I love the layout.

It was good, the way you described what happened, it flowed will with itself, but the layout is way to over done. I don't mean to sound negative or anything, but if you had a custom layout, it would make the appeal to the story so much more. I enjoyed reading it and I can't wait to see what else you come up with. :)

I really like the way you write. Everything sounds so pretty and it all flows together really well! I think this line: "I barely went high" in the first chapter sounds a little weird, though.
You should also make a custom layout to make the story more appealing and unique.
Overall, I think it is really good!

Oh my holy fuck lord. = 3=''

This chapter's saad. I love how she kisses the wings at the end! ;u;
It's like a cute sort of sad at the last bit. I like this chapter a lot! <33
It's very gritty.. poor Chasity </3

OOOOOH <3
the wings...so cute! He seems really nice.
I really love the whole 'he's there for a reason' effect'. :3

This story is so cute! I love it! I love the whole event with the Wings!

While her parents are kind of suckish, this chapter was ADORABLE <3
Their interaction is sooo sweet, I love her coyness throughout it :D

Chastity is a beautiful name, btw :3

Aww that was lovely :)
I really like him, even if he isn't some magical stalker afterall xD
I think you probably could continue this for a bit longer, especially after you said there would be a next time and they'll see each other again :)
I really don't like the parents... Hmmm...
Maybe he could help to fix everything, I don't know how but it'd be cool if he did haha

This is great so far :)
Chasitys having a pretty tough time, clearly, so it's good that he's goin to be there for her
I sort of getthis heavenly godly kind of vibe from him hehe I like it
And the wings and the bright light... Yeah there's definitely something different about him
...unless he's a magical stalker lol
Update as soon as you can :)

Awww, that's too sweet! ^^
I love what he gave her, it's so cute <3
Please write moore, gurrl :3