Invisible - Comments

beautiful

honest

Great read

I like the layout a lot. It is cute and everything. As for the summary, I like everything but where it said, "legit alone." For some reason, legit just doesn't fit in , in my opinion. But it isn't like it's bad. Anyways, I like the plot you have. I think it's kind of cute that she wants to change it. The description of the town and people seemed kind of dull to me, but that's probably because I get distracted and bored easily, lol. Overall, I like what you have going on. I like Payson, and this has definite potential. c:

I like your layout but the story confused me a little. But it's got potential :)

The layout was cute and simple; I liked it.
It was really interesting to read.
The last line was haunting. Good job.

The opening scene here is conceptually interesting, but there's just a few things I think you should change to make your description of it flow better. You seem to have some trouble with tenses- flipping between the present tense and the past tense. For example, you do it in your very first pair of lines:

The darkness was everywhere as if my eyes were still closed from a night of sleep. The people walk dreary and dead like nothing happy has happened in days.

I also think the end line for this brief first chapter is a bit obvious:

This place and town so ruined was little old Grand Rapids, Minnesota.

There's no real need to state it that openly, when you could just reveal this fact as part of a monologue. There's certainly no need for the italics, which undermine your tone, as well as any voice you have developed by this stage for your character, and make this line seem trashy and cheap. The first line of the second paragraph, where you again state the name of the town, is much better, although there's still no need for the italics here.

The chapters are very short, but I think the appropriateness of that depends on how many of them you're going to do. If you're writing a very long story, I would suggest bigger chapters. If you're not, then it's probably fine.

The layout is also simple and effective.

I really like this :)
You are a very good writer & I like your style.
Keep updating...

I really like the comparisons within this whole chapter. First it was comparing the people of the town to herself; she was full of life while the people were just walking bodies with no purpose in life. Next, there was the small comparison between the town in the picture and the town as she was seeing it in real life.

Something else I really like about this was how she came to the town to find the things and people of her past even though she didn’t really remember them. Anywho, this is a very wonderful start to this story. Your writing style is great; it seemed like everything in the first chapter was important to the rest of the story and that you didn’t add anything that didn’t pertain to the main character and her journal. Well, great job and good luck with this story!

I LOVE THIS(: more please. comment swappers

First off, the layout is lovely. I'm usually not one to judge stories based on them, but it really helps. I think it helps with the tone of the story and such. As for the writing, I love it. I'm really curious to know what's happening. I'm not one for stories like this, but I'm hooked. I'll subscribe. :)

This story was very lovely. You have a wonderful way with describing things here. The whole feel of what happened in this little town is just so sad. I don't usually read stories like this, but I'm definitely hooked. Lovely job! <3

O man I messed up. Ok just go into my profile and look for my story
Hula Girl
comment please

Shortness= awsome.
I loved how you described the story and the setting and how you described the charather's feelings.
It reminded me of the time I moved in.
I enjoyed it.
Comment swamping for
[url=http://stories.mibba.com/read/406788/Hula-girl[/url]

Well I already commented on this story, and I don't see a new chapter, so I'll just comment on the stuff I missed before or didn't talk about :')

Well I never talked about the summary, and I sort of like it. I think the first time I read it, I wondered if Payson was just not able to be seen, like a ghost, or if she was just so bland and unnoticeable. Either way, it made me wonder, so it's a good summary. Also, I like the name Payson, I think that's actually the first time I've heard that name before, ha.

I also wonder what Payson plans to do 'liven' up little old Grand Rapids. The fact that most of her memories are gone yet she still want to do something good for this place [or explore it] she remembers is lovely.

I agree with Whiskey Hands; for the grammer stuff.

But other then that It's well written. I like the way you went in depth about the town and the people, and how it changed for the girl since she was small. Good job! Keep it up! =)

Well, the other two people who made comments kinda summed it up, but I like it. It's not a bad chapter like you said, at all.

The story has a lot of potential. Though, the first chapter can be a bit misleading, when I was first reading the paragraph, I was thinking of how it sounded almost like a zombie apocalypse. But that can't be, you never said that in the summary. > >

So while you mesh sentences together and can confuse the reader at times -- it's got a lot of potential and I would love to see what's next. I'm waiting, actually. I want to see how everything works on and that. So good luck and happy writings. C:

I like this little introduction to the story. You were very good at portraying the emptiness of the town, and how it's as if the happiness was just sucked right out of it. It sort of captivated me although it did dampen my mood a little - and I mean that in a good way. I agree with Whiskey Hands; in that the name little old Grand Rapids, Minnesota is a good choice due to the contrasting of old & new.

However there were a few errors that I did spot in the third paragraph:

I need to find my old house and my old friend I don’t even remember his name I just know we used to love each other. || Where it says 'old friend I don't', I was thinking that there should be a period in between friend and I. Also, maybe a comma after 'even remember his name'.

I was not dropped off here or had taken a plane. || Now with this one, I'm not sure if there is an error, but the sentence sort of sounded wrong. I thought it was supposed to be like 'I was not dropped off here nor had I taken a plane.' - or something along those lines.

Other than that, I found this to be a great start. Fantastic piece :)

as if my eyes are still - were, rather than 'are'

nothing happy have happened in days. - has, rather than 'have'

I’ve came to visit this old town my - come, rather than 'came'

to reside into. - you don't need 'into' in there, 'reside' is enough to end the sentence with readers knowing what you mean. :)

Their clothes where all tattered - were, rather than 'where'

the picture my parents had gave me. - given, rather than 'gave'

I was not dropped of here or had token a plane. - off, rather than 'of' & taken, rather than 'token'

I like the idea for the story, and the description of the old town, and how this newcomer wanted to make it new again - just for the mere fact she's almost like a new person because her memories have been somewhat erased in the car accident. And I also like how you've chosen the name of the place little old Grand Rapids, Minnesota., because it really reflects that idea with the old and the new. :)

I think this does have potential, but I also think that if you're not careful, it could turn into a little cliche` of a story. And I really would suggest that you get a beta or someone to look over your chapters before you post them, just so that you can have an outside eye checking to see the flow of the story, the development of the characters, where things might not make sense and the general structure of sentences, spelling and grammar. Because there are a few mistakes in there (mainly the ones I've pointed out above). So, if you have a beta, I'm sure this story will be a lovely read with a decent flow and intriguing aspects about it. :)