Mystery - Comments

Lol, I love the Pretty Little Liars. That's so cool to see the series in a new form of writing.

I think it's a lot better now, with everything combined. There are still some things that you can improve on. Check out these writing tips Tips. She has some good advice. Good luck :)

The first chapter is really similar to the book/show. So you should change that. I know it's suppose to be a fan-fic, but this could maybe be considered plagiarism. I'd combine the first three parts. They're all really short, so it makes more sense that way.

I will give you feed back on the first chapter for you, you previously asked for it as well as ask on what you need to improve on, so I will do that for you and hope that it can help you in attracting more readers.

Layout/Summary/Title

Well you don't have a summary, so a reader will not know what's going on and that will cause them to turn away. A summary is a must even if it is a quote that reflects the story.

The layout is a pre-made layout and those aren't always the popular choice, more people seem to like when writers take the time to make there own, I also know you can ask to have one made or if you like I can make on for you.

And the title, that isn't a title at all it is just a description of what the story is, you should really come up with a creative title.

Chapter 1

Alison, Spencer, Aria, and Emily were camping in Spencer's barn drinking wisky. They are all 15 years of age so they had to be really careful so that there parents would'nt find out.

This first sentence here is a big no, no. A writer is much like an artist, they must paint a picture in the readers mind. Telling a reader things is just bland, it's okay to do that once in a while, but you must have imagery and description present.

For an example:

Alison was splayed out on an old rusty lawn chair, her hair was thrown over one shoulder, and her eyes were fixed on the whisky bottle in the center of the group. She licked her lips, desiring the burning sensation of the whiskey to course down her throat and through her veins...

That would give the reader a little image as well as an emotion on how she is feeling and you should do that to make it more powerful, write how the characters feel, there surroundings, it really livens up a story, I promise.

"Hey Aria turn up the music." Alison said holding her bottle of wisky Okay now this is a perfect example of how to fix up the story.

For example:

"Hey Aria, turn up the music," Alison said, holding her bottle of whiskey. Do you see what I did there? Whenever you have a character saying something, like you did up above do not end it with a period, put a comma. And also when you have a written 'Alison said' you put a comma if the word after ends with 'ing'.

One more example.

"I thought she knew," she said, covering her mouth.

Alison is a blonde with blue eyes. She is kinda bossy and can get on many people's nerves. But her friends practically follow her around whereever she goes. And Alison enjoys that. She loves the attention that she gets from people.

As I had told you before previously, don't tell the write show them what you want them to see. Telling a reader makes it so plain and boring, causing the reader to find another story and you don't want that. Give description, fill your story with emotion and imagery.

"Ali pass me some more wisky." Emily said.
"Sure." Alison replied back.
Alison passed her friend the wisky.
Hannah yawned,
"I'm getting tired. It's past 12 Am." She said.
"Yeah Hannah is right. Lets go to bed." Spencer replied.

This part is all jumbled together space it out and not to mention it's boring. They're talking, okay, but what are they doing what's going on around them are they making gestures? Also check your spelling and grammar just as I have shown you above. I'm gonna show you one more thing to help out.

"Ali pass me some more wisky." Emily said.
"Sure." Alison replied back.

Okay carefully look how you have and see what I do with it.

"Ali pass me some more whiskey," Emily said, reaching out her hand for the bottle.

"Sure." Alison took one more quick sip and tossed the bottle over to Emily.

You don't always have to put 'he/she said" or "he replied" or "she stated" You can end the quote with a period and say what they are doing after it. Do you understand what I mean?

A few hours passed. Spencer was the first awake. She noticed that Alison was'nt there. She went looking for her.
"Ali!"Spencer called in a frantic tone.
No Alison.

Once again, emotions, imagery. A few hours passed, okay that's great but what happened, how did they not notice anything in those hours, did they pass out, where they dancing around like crazy, what happened? And again be sure to space out the sentences and don't forget about what I told you about character quotations.

She hurried back to the barn. - Don't tell the reader what she is doing describe it to us. How is she feeling at this moment? How far away is she from the barn? What's it look like outside? What does the barn look like? This can really take the story a long way.

"Guys, Ali is missing." Spencer said. As I told you up above about character quotations, watch grammar.

Now this is only the first chapter and I would advise you to find a beta they are very useful when writing stories and can really give you pointers on how to improve your writing and attract more readers.

The first thing to remember is don't give up on your writing if no one comments, it takes work and effort. Look at other peoples works, see what they do. Don't be afraid to ask for help, tell people about your story. Be creative with the title and layout, you always have to aim to improve.

I hope you found this helpful to you.