Ready to Leap - Comments

Comment swap: Amazing! only that one line and your title draw me in. I have read only few words and not even of the story itself, already wanting to know what it is about and what will happen.

I have a feeling I am in the room without being overwhelmed by description (something I can learn from you haha) it gives me the freedom to use my own imagination. I had not expected magic to be part of the story but it was definitely a great surprise.

Style:

I really enjoy the way you write. Everything is flourished, but not overly so. There is a good mix of dialogue, action, and description.

I disagree with what everyone else is saying about the backstory. I think this first chapter is fine the way it is, and you can develop the backstory more as the story goes on. This is just one example I can think of, in The Hunger Games, we didn't learn all of the backstory at once, in the first chapter, it was something that occurred continuously throughout the story, which is one thing that made it great, and I think that's what you should do with your story, instead of a huge information dump.

Plot:

I think plot is the thing about this story that just makes it extraordinary. It has only just begun, but it already seems so interesting. I see my favorite bits of old stories and movies that I love coming to life in this piece. I really can't way to see what is going on with the girls' powers and the man trying to hurt them.

Characters:

Raven

I really like how tough and strong Raven is. She seems to be the rock for Emily and Jasmine, and she seems like she will do anything to protect Emily. You can tell that she has hope, and I like that about her. She is a very interesting character that I think will be popular amongst readers.

Emily

Emily seems like a sweet little girl who is caught up in something she doesn't want to be a part of. She seems so innocent, which is why I think readers will sympathize with her and feel her pain.

Ana

I'm not sure what age Ana is, but from the text, I want to picture her as an older woman in her 30's who helps younger girls try to get a hold on their powers. I think every character needs an older, guiding character to help them out, and Ana seems like she will fit that roll perfectly.

Father

I'm going to call him father, because I don't think you gave him a name. He seems like a creepy older man, that I picture wearing a suit like a secret agent and trying to conduct business, almost like the bad men in the movie Jumper if you have ever seen that. I think he will make a great antagonist along with Gabriel.

Gabriel

You only mention Gabriel once, but I have a feeling he is going to come back up later on. I'm not sure if he is a Satan like character, or just a leader of some underground group, but I hope there is more of him in this story.

Daniel

I can't tell if Daniel is just following his father's orders, or if he really does hate these girls. I want to think that he sympathizes with them a bit, but we won't find that out until later chapters, I assume.

Overall:

I think this story is great. There is really nothing at all wrong with the first chapter, and I think it started out perfectly. I'd like to see you keep up this excellence as the story continues, and put just as much thought into later chapters as you did these. I think you have a great concept, from what I can see, that will appeal to all types of readers, because there are so many elements to the story. Good luck with the rest of it, and happy writing!

It's good, you do need backstory and there are certain areas that didn't really make any sense. Good job Bri. I don't normally like stories like this. It sounds a bit like that witch show though.

The story seems like it'll be interesting, I just have a few comments...
1.) a little more back story should be given plus a better description of who Gabriel is and what he did would be nice
2.) why are the girls so young when the act like normal teenagers. That age of understanding I'd make it maybe 16 instead if you're going to have the girls act like teenagers and use words such as "fuck"
3.) a little more description could be given about each character, what "magick" is, and the setting.

Fix those things and you'll be good to go and this will turn into a very interesting good story.