Please update soon! :D
July 29th, 2012 at 09:51pm
As for grammar,
Second paragraph, first sentence:
His skin was tingling as the blades of air sliced across his skin. There was a time it had made him wince and cringe away but now his skin was tougher or maybe he as.
Missing a “w” in the last word.
Second paragraph, last sentence:
He had no protection from the rapid temperature changes from one room to another and his body still reacted the way it believe it should.
Not sure if you want to rephrase the last, underlined part or add a “d” to the word ‘believe’ instead.
Third paragraph, third sentence:
Now it was only a necessity that, while he hated it, didn’t even have the energy to balk at anymore.
Alright, so the underlined part sounds really awkward to me. I understand what you mean, but it’s a bit off.
Third paragraph, fourth sentence:
Sometime during the last two years the time under water had lengthened into ten minutes and stepping into the air blades took another five.
A comma should be after the word “years.”
Third paragraph, last sentence:
Through the chemicals the Cleaners had shoved into the water all of his potential diseases were burned away and the dryers ensured any germs left were fully obliterated.
Rewrite? I had to reread this sentence. Again, I could grasp the meaning, but I think there’s a mix of too many words and awkward phrasing.
Fourth paragraph, first sentence:
Finally the buzzing that had overtaken his mind stopped though the sudden silence left his ears ringing.
Two commas needed here. One after “finally” and another after “stopped.”
Sixth paragraph, first sentence:
His eyes were the large, almost disproportionately so, and a warm chocolate color that complimented his shaggy mocha hair perfectly.
When describing Marcus physically; the underlined word can be left out.
Sixth paragraph, third sentence:
Once his profession was revealed they became even more enthralled and Ryker had lost count of the women Marcus had taken home to their shared apartment.
A comma should be after “revealed.”
Seventh paragraph, second sentence:
As they spoke Ryker pulled on a pair of jeans and a loose tank top.
A comma should be after “spoke.” Secondly, guys don’t usually wear “tank tops” but shirts called “wife beaters” as the former is a term for female clothes.
Eleventh paragraph, last sentence:
They both had made Ryker’s 15-yar-old heart race and his stomach clench.
Minor spelling mistake, 15 “year” old.
During the flashback:
When talking about a school, the term is “principal,” when talking about one’s beliefs it’s “principle.”
Ryker's pretty much my favorite character so far, but that might change if the elf doesn't disappear and continues to be one of the main characters...
Also, I subscribed. Please update soon.
<3