Heaven Can Wait - Comments

The concept for this is brilliant - this story has a lot of potential, but I think you'd have to go back and fill this out a bit more with detail. I didn't really connect to either of the main characters, it was just very "he said this, and she said this, he did this, she did this" and I couldn't really tell they were changing, or even why, until you spelled it out. There should be a lot more showing, not telling involved. Their first meeting just didn't seem profound enough to have that kind of fundamental impact on them.

This could also really benefit from some more research into angels and demons. Again, it was "God didn't like this, so suddenly the angel became fallen. Satan killed Bri." A bit more detail can go a really long way.

Your overall plot is there, which I really like, but the bones really need to be fleshed out. So much potential, I hope you get to revisit this story!

Good luck in the contest!

this is a very interesting piece. personally don't think i've read anything like this, though it does give off a biblical sense -- much like the comparison on a fallen angel perhaps. this was very well written tho i do think you could put in more detail + the dialogue in some parts were rather awkward. all in all, good job

This was a good concept and it was told like an urban legend almost. Nicely done.

I love this it's such a great concept for a story! The layout is beautiful and the flow of the story is awesome!

oh this was definitely lovely c:
i loved the idea of it; and while the ending was sad, it felt connected and didn't feel like it was written to be sad, but that that was the way it was supposed to end.
I liked it a lot :)

(thanks for suggesting it; enjoyed it a lot.!)

First of all, the layout is lovely. However, when you open the first chapter there are no margins betweent he text and the border at the sides, it makes it really awkward to read unfortunately.

People who had went there after death, and the very first angels that were created along with heaven.
- "People who had gone there..." would be correct. :)

The same went with Hell.
- The use of the word 'went' feels very awkward in this sentence.

Well in the start, the demons helped to snatch souls to bring them back to Satan.
- I'm not sure if you mean "well, at the start" or as in 'in the very beginning'. It's somewhat awkwardly put.

The boy, sent from heaven, took the form the altered form of that he had in heaven.
- It should be: "The boy, sent from heaven, took the form, the altered form, that..."
Or rather, to minimize the use of commas "The boy sent from heaven took the form, the altered form, that..."

He chose to seem less perfect, this way he could blend easily and not be caught.
- "This way he could blend in easily...

If she turned him into a bad soul, it would bring so much to her side.
- It would bring so much what to their side? It feels like an imcomplete sentence.

“Hey, I’m Angel,” he decided against using his real name.
- This should be "Hey, I'm Angel." He decided against...
The sentence that follows the dialog is not a run on (it's not 'he said' etc, so you end the dialog with a period and begin the next sentence with a capital letter.

The demon had went back to Satan, and so the angel went back to heaven.
- Again it should be "gone" and not "went".

Ever since you came back from Earth, you’ve been as worthless as an angel!
- But she's not an angel, she's a demon?

“Why did you push me, dear Angel?” She whispered,
- Don't capitalize the S in she here. :)

“Anything,” He choked out,
- He should not be capitalized.

And so did he, he knew that Satan would strike when he was his weakest.
- "... he knew that Satan would strike when he was at his weakest."

“I’ll give you my life for his!” She yelled,
- She should not be capitalized.

SO...

The concept is very interesting, I definitely like the thought of angels and demons and heaven and hell. However you do have a lack of feeling in your writing, and there's not enough variation between long sentences and short sentences. It feels like you just drop a period and a comma here and there without knowing exactly when which should be used. So the flow isn't that great, and it feels very choppy. There's also too much telling, rather than showing. It feels like there's just "he said, she said" and no emotions. No real feelings or such. So yeah, though the concept is great there isn't enough language skills to carry it up to the level where it could be. With a bottle of emotions poured over this it could be great, as well as with more painting with words, but it's not by all means bad. You just need some more practise and then it'll be great.

:)

I really like the layout. :D The only thing I really have an issue with is the paragraphs. I just feel like you don't need to separate them all out, you know? Which is really funny, because it pisses me off when people can' space their stories-at all- and it all looks like word vomit on the page. :3 I don't think I've read anything quite like this. And the ending was very sad, but I think that might have been your intention: to show how badly love can hurt.

I liked it a lot! C:

So, this is my comment for the contest:

This was a very original idea, and I found the summary very intriguing. It's also the first fantasy story I've read so far for the contest, so that was nice. I thought it was an interesting story, however I felt that it was very rushed. The way it was done felt as if it could have even been a full-length, chaptered story. I really liked the plotline and the characters, however a lot of it felt very rushed and it seemed like things had happened by the time I could actually comprehend that they were happening, if you get that. :D If it was a longer story, there would have been more chances to develop the relationship between the two people, and add in a lot more emotion to the story, whereas it felt like that was only very lightly touched on. Especially as the story was set over several weeks and involved things like killing, it could have definitely been developed more. Even so, I liked the plot, so good work! :)

This was cool and original.
Good job. :)