Our Secrets, My Surprises - Comments

@ TheRingLeader
I'm glad you like it so far! :)

I'm loving it! I hope Ashley doesn't take the news too badly...

oh no I don't think she should get an abortion Ashley would end up resenting her later is she did. I'm interested in what would become of this story :)

I really enjoyed this story. I wasn't quite sure about it at first. After all, it's not a band I well recognize and so I don't know any of the characters. As I said, I do like it. Some parts seemed a little off. The phone conversation was definitely a little bit too casual. Whoever Dee was talking too didn't seemed surprised at the news. Also, I find it strange that the guy who knocked her up immediately had the idea that she was in the men's bathroom when she wasn't in the woman's.

Really liking this.

I'd suggest making the title a little catchier - shorter. I get they're lyrics but the minute I saw the title I sadly fell prone to a typical stereotype of Mibba and in any other circumstances I doubt I would have read on, no matter my nostalgic love for Black Veil Brides.

I noticed you use the phrase 'could be heard' frequently in small spans of writing - replacing one with a different phrasing would offer a better variety. Same goes for 'left Ashley’s mouth', Ashley's of course being changed for each person, but it's around far too much. There are a lot of other substitutes you can use.

“You guys take too long. Hurry the fuck up already,” I think that deserves an exclamation mark, at least, as all the speaking thus far is all rather flat; expand a little! And some of your speaking punctuation is incorrect; way too many ending in a comma. Consider going back and reviewing a few of the choices.

"Ashley sighed as he watched his best friend run off..." that whole mini paragraph did not sit right with me. It'd be nice to see a little emotion from him, or more description of what's around him. It's too short and leaves me wanting a little for the volatile human state.

Hmm, the bit where Ashley first enters a women's bathroom without a second thought and then immediately jumped to the conclusion Dee was in the men's doesn't hit me as a plausible human cognitive process - even with the little memory he has a moment later. Certainly, in my case I would respect each genders own bathroom, and indeed if I did go inside I wouldn't assume that Dee wasn't in there just because she wasn't on the outer bit. There's a good probability she'd be in a cubicle. This sort of character is quite common in fandom because of the disconnection between musicians/actors/etc. and fans, so I do highly recommend developing your character to the point of reacting like you yourself, or people around you, do. This'll add another dimension to your story all together.

Also, why is Dee in a place immediately viewable by the opening of the main door? I think you need to go back and asses the reality of a lot of the situations characters find themselves in.

I haven't seen a lot of Dee's character but this mildly malicious mind set near where Ashley and the pregnancy is concerned isn't very in character to what I've seen. But then again, characters have layers, too.

The phone call is a little too casual for the situation, I found.

Aha I know this whole thing is seems a little negative but really, this is a well written piece, and the grammar is near perfect. The opening paragraph is amazing, but the things I have pointed out seriously affect the potential you have as a writer and the potential this story has for readers. Keep writing <3

-from comment swap.
I usually stay away from stories with such long titles, but yours was just under my limit, lol! I stay away from pregnancy stories, too, but your first line had me absolutely hooked. It was eloquent, emotive and very clever without distracting from the actual narration. This is a very good, very well-written piece of work, I wish you luck with it.

I really like your story. Please don't stop with it! :D