June 15th, 2015 at 07:09am
First I have to say it, you need to fix your layout. Just add the padding to the chapter title as well, otherwise it just looks a little strange.
You've also got a large number of spelling/grammatical mistakes, the ones I notice the most is when you're using the term "I've". Easily fixed, and there are also threads on Mibba you can go to for help if you need it. You also seem to be prone to using lowercase "i"s.
Your use of short sentences creates an abrupt tone throughout the first chapter, and I'm not sure if it is intentional.
Otherwise, your story is properly formatted. I also notice you could probably use more describing words, this is most noticeable when you rarely stray from "he said", "she said" etc. Though it doesn't harm the story, it can make it more interesting.
Good luck to the rest of your story otherwise!
Poor Zacky, he like absolutely hates his life it seems. Not that I can blame him. Been there, done that. I only saw a few grammatical errors. Other than that it was awesome. :D The layout was slightly distracting though. 
Your plot is wonderful! I thought it was different than most stories, especially the end (I'm a sucker for sad endings!) Well done!
When it comes to grammar, I think you have a bit you could revise. Simple things like using the right "your" and "you're" or "they're" "their" and "there", capitalizing "I" when needed, making sure everything is spelled correctly, etc. Those minor things can make your story really fly! People will definitely take you and your story more seriously.
Other than that I think your story was fantastic! Really well done. :)