October 21st, 2011 at 04:55pm
COMMENT VIRGINITY!!!!
Ahem, anyways...I was surprised to see that this was only a one shot, the ending definitely left me wanting more. This is already off to a good start - it definitely has potential for an interesting story, I think an original fiction would be best.
Since you deleted like a crapload of your amazing stories, I think you should apply this idea to a new one.
And kudos to The Maine's lyrics as the last liner haha.
I wish there was more to this. I mean, it works as a one shot, but I think it would work better as a chaptered story.
You've ended this in such a good place, though. You leave the reader wanting more - well, you certainly left me wanting more. There's a definite air of mystery about the girl, Laurren, as well. I like how you mentioned her self-injury, as it gives some idea as to why she's been admitted, but the ending suggests she's been admitted for so much more than just that.
The descriptions you use are lovely as well, I especially loved cerulean eyes. It just sounds so pretty and it makes me imagine piercing eyes. The description of the room was also very good, it was easy to imagine and really made me feel like I was there with Laurren as well.