Watermelon Smiles - Comments

First of all, I don't like the layout. It's easy to learn how to make them so maybe give it a try if you have the time. :) Secondly, the description gives everything away. She'll fall in love with one of them - maybe both - and something big will happen. It sounds very, VERY cliche.

The first chapter is hard on my eyes. Break up the text.

You rush through it. You didn't take much time, it seems. Add description, talk about her day. Work on punctuation. All I know is that by the time I'm done with the first chapter, I don't really want to go on to the second one.

Too cliche for me.

So I only read the first 2 chapters, but I like it :) I subscribed and I'll definitley keep reading. You had a few spelling errors, but that was my only problem =D

Dude, I love it already, and I haven't finished reading it all!!!!!

I have to say that this is different...I haven't really seen anyone write like that before.

I liked this, but it seemed a bit rushed to me. I won't say cliche because everyone's story is cliche at some point.

Other than a few grammar mistakes here and there that are easily fixable, I see nothing wrong with it.
I enjoyed. :)

I only skimmed through the first two chapters.

Well, you're namedropping a lot. And it's not necessary. It's not necessary to state every single song she's listening to or they're singing. It felt a bit clichéd, what with the meeting at the concert and all. There weren't any descriptions really, nothing to pull me in. Overall, it didn't flow too well I'm afraid.

Update soon, this is good.

alright, first thing to say: the summary is nice, but it's sort of giving away that she's probably going to get with one of them and/or both of them and they'll happily fall in love, have one tragic accident, but pull through like a miracle couple and be happily together forever. rewriting it might be beneficial; also, having smiley faces in the summary sort of makes some of us feel like it's not going to be quality, yanno?

with the first chapter, i see an author's note, a block of text that i'm not really wanting to read, and two lines that tell me everything that i need to know about the chapter: she's going to see panic and she's really excited. separating the story every paragraph is seriously helpful or else many will be entirely turned off. also, using chatspeak/misspelling words in the author's note also gives us the idea that it's just an "eh, i'm writing this to write it because i want to do an SI" feel to it.

you've got brendon's character pretty spot on; very active, teasing, playful. I feel like the concert scene could've been done better; it's just a sort of like, okay. and as far as i know, ryro didn't wear makeup on the pretty odd tour; that was just theatrics for AFYCSO. instead of using caps to emphasize, use italics and bolding. use them sparingly, but they look better than caps.

your ryro character is just a little... off, in my opinion. i've always seen ryan as pretty closed off - still a jokester and such around people he's comfortable around. but still sort of off - and just very mellow and someone who thinks through things ridiculously before doing them. because I saw his sexy lips moving, that line honestly just turned me off of the entire story.

you've got the writing and the passion for a good fic, and i can tell that, but this isn't hitting the marks. you've got a decent voice and it's clear you know where you want to go, but this is literally like fifty other fics i've read. this review isn't meant to hurt your feelings or be a jerk about anything, but it's just that you've got potential and if you hone your skills, it'll work out. someone showed me this image a few days back, and i feel that it could potentially apply to you if you choose to continue to grow as a young author.

as i said, you have potential. you just have to work out what makes a good story as compared to what makes a cliché, read a thousand times fic.

I not a huge fan of the band but I love the way you describe things and potray her feelings . I do notice some spelling errors and such but you can contact a beta for that? Your writing is done well and I like it very much.

I'm not a huge fan of Panic! At the Disco anymore, so this was a little hard for me to fully relate to the main character. Also, this story seems to have a cliché veil over it, but I think that you can make it more original with some work. This has a lot of potential and I really like the title, even though it's "watermelon" not "watermellon" I also noticed some spelling / grammar mistakes through-out the entire piece. You can probably find someone on the site who will do a run over of it and point out your errors so you can fix them before you post. Or you can run a simple program over it to help you. Keep up the fine work!

Haha, I will now actually(: I thought last chapter sucked. Its one of those "fill up"/ "segway" chapters

Still absolutely amazing the suspense is kicking in write another chapter soon please. Beg of you!

Oh wow thanks(: English is my favorite subject in schol... Shows huh?

Once again commend you on your writing skills

Once again commend you on your writing skills

Sorry guys for minor spelling mistakes in the 7th chapter!

Woah last chapter was so dramatic!

Thankz. I might update later!

This is so adorable! I couldn't stop smiling through the first few chapters! I'm going to finish this and subscribe :3

hahah thankz and will do!

Amazing story i love it keep writing cus im hooked