The Devil Within - Comments

First of all…the layout was very pretty, but the light font was sometimes hard to read, and didn’t match all that well with the background. I sort of did a mini-dance of happiness when I saw the Disturbed lyrics in the summary. Yes, I am obsessed with Disturbed. xD Anyway! I’m jealous of your banner-making skills as well. xD On to the actual oneshot… Okay. I also have to question the use of the word ‘waling.’ I think it should be ‘wailing’ to fit that context. I also wonder about the very first sentence. The word ‘wither’ doesn’t really seem to work there – did you mean writhe? Anyway, moving on. I really love how you described a relationship like seasons. Gosh, Jacoby is so mean. But if you’re basing this off of that Disturbed song (which is a political song as you surely know – I found that funny ), then she deserves everything she’s getting.

Also, a re-occurring mistake I noticed was this: knee’s You don’t need the apostrophe there, because it’s not possessive. It also happened with the word screams. I think this really just needs to be read over, and all of the grammatical and spelling errors need to be fixed (most of which Whiskey Hands; pointed out). All in all it’s lovely and I quite enjoyed it. :)

a waling shell of a human that he had once known; - I've never seen the word 'waling' used out of context of wale waling. So, I'm just wondering - is it meant to be like this: A mark raised on the skin, as by a whip; a weal or welt. / To raise marks on (the skin), as by whipping - or is it wailing?

You were stable in and comfortable in the relationship, - because you've used in after comfortable you don't need to use it after stable, because it's connected to the latter in.

they can once again be comfortable together, - could - keep with the tense

he heard from her is the screams - were the screams

He watched her as her back - He watched as her

her arms shaking violently before she quickly so that she was lying on her front, - I think there might be a word or two missing from this sentence. :)

chest as he forehead was - her

me.” She groaned out as she - comma and a lower case 's'

“FUCK!” She yelled out on the top of - italicize rather than capitalize; and a lower case 's'

back onto her knee’s before - I don't think you need to use an apostrophe there, same for the knee's in the next sentence.

tremble as the gave up on her - missing a 'y' :)

fucking help me.” She yelled out - comma, lower case 's' and a full stop at the end of the sentence.

with shit.” He told her - comma and lower case 'h'

questioning why it is that - was rather than is

Jacoby?” She mumbled out as she - lower case 's'

scumbag.” She mumbled - comma and a lower case 's'

out whore.” Jacoby - comma

know what it’s like - was

rolled over onto hers - typo :)

hell for this.” She mumbled - comma and a lower case 's'

the devil.” She - same as above

near you.” He told her - same ideas as above

as he spat her feet, knowing - as he spat at her feet

ever again.” He told - comma, lower case

what it is she was - was rather than is

I kept thinking of the Hollywood Whore song + video while I was reading this, it seemed to fit perfectly in my head ;) I like the idea behind the story, I think you used some lovely seasonal imagery that worked well for the piece - relating that cold winter and the death of blooming to their relationship. :) I also liked the contrast between the two characters, her falling even more into the death of the season, and him beginning to come out of it. :) That was a nice kind of under tone to read. :)

I think in some cases the dialogue is a little too formal, I think it needs to be relaxed, like I am can just be I'm and you are you're kinda thing. Because sometimes it just didn't suit the flow of the narration. And I'm a bit iffy about the sardonic(?) nature of Jacoby - I don't think their relationship was built on enough to show how much of a right he had to be angry and such at her. You built the relationship up to suit the imagery, but not so much to fuel the fire for him.

Other than those, I think it was a nice story, with a good idea :)