Light The Way - Comments

@ E P Kent
Thank you so much for your advice! I won't re-write this story, but I will use your advice in the stories to come, I was very useful! Thank you! :)

Comment Swap: the first thing i want to point out is your introduction. Bombarding your reader with a fat paragraph of descriptions will lose attention, simple as that, but that doesnt mean they should be deleted. It's best to try and incorporate these characteristics in with the dialogue to break it up to be more easily digested. Second, your dialogue is good, but its unnecessary to descrive the speech after ever time someone talks; usually a reader can make those kinds of assumptions just by the direction of the conversations. if someone says "I fucking hate you, you piece of shit!" you don't need to include 'they said angirly'. the reader knows. I really like your blend of music and writing though, its awesome and gives the text life. Your characters are also very believable and i can already begin to see developed personalities. good work, though my advice is to trim a bit of the fat on your dialogue. never give up!

Wow, i am so glad i tried out the comment swap because it's just led me to a great story! There were a few little mistakes such as missing letters in some words but not too much that it would be very noticeable. I loved the ending, it was so cute and i'm glad that Sam and Zack got together :) I can't wait to start reading the sequel :D Xx

my god i've missed so much.
so sad that Sam left. Zack better be kicking himself in the balls or something for not being there.
can't wait for more. :)

poor Zack but I see where Sammi is coming from. hopefully things between her and Zack get better. I really like all the lil romances that are forming, really cute. update soon :)

i'm so late at reading the chapter i'm sorry but I finally got to it. hahaha Kat and her big mouth. I think we all have friends like that. can't wait for more :)

you can never go wrong with Home Alone. lol can't wait for the next. :)

(: Hey, you have a really nice layout. Usually layouts that have decorated (half) outlines around the words are a little overbearing, but you make it work because you color code stuff without making me want to leave the story right away. Which is great because I'm incredibly picky. :P (:

Anyways, One thing I noted right away is that you're kind of switching between tenses. You go from past one sentence to present the next. Example:
"Sam was BEAUTIFUL." "She has long brown hair".
You want to try in one tense. Something like, "Sam was beautiful." "She had long brown hair."
Most of your story is written in two tenses, so you should rewrite it and make sure it's not like that because it's really hard to read/stay in character when it switches so much.

Another thing that would make this easier to read is if you put spaces (enters) between your dialogue. Example:
""I'll try not to." I replied.

"Yeah, I'm with Alli on that one. " Kat stated.

"Who asked you?" Leikin asked jokingly" <-- You're missing a period.

And when you write dialogue you should use commas instead of periods. ("I'll try not to," I replied.)

Besides for the grammatical errors & tenses, this is a good story. It's a good idea and it has a nice layout. You just need to work on the technical writing aspect. It could be waaay better if you fix the things I mentioned. (:

awh Zack<3 Love that man! Haha Oh Alex He would get everyone in trouble. omg Call Me Maybe is such a awesome song hahaha now I wanna listen to it!

Phew!
Thank god you cleared that up in the end.
I was confused. Haha.
Uwww man I love me a good Zack Merrick Story.
I can't wait to read more.
I find it cute that there's a girl for each guy.
It's adorable.
Matty Mouse, that's just cute and creative. Update soon. :)