August 7th, 2011 at 06:01pm
This story is fucking great. I love your descriptions. There are a few grammar and punctuation errors, but I think if you read it out loud, you should catch them. Anyway, it's fantastic. I love how you ended it too. Amazing job.
~ Ryu
gfhjgkj what's happened to her? if i'm to be honest, the sentence structure is a little repetitive. It reminded her of an urban desert, desolate and deserted. semi-colon goes between 'desert' and 'desolate.'
a few sentences so far could've been rephrased to put more impact into the words and so that it flows better when you read it aloud: The girl was not in a gang. She was not a prostitute. She was homeless. Simple as that. to The girl wasn't in a gang, nor was she a prostitute: she was homeless, simple as that.
It was probably a few days old and not even the rats would pick out that food. But when you're hungry, you eat anything. -> the food was probably a few days old, and not even the rats would touch it. however; when one is hungry, they'll eat anything. Generally, referring to the reader in a piece of writing gives it an almost immature feel. Substituting that for words like one or a person (etc) instead of you gives it a more mature read.
I'm sort of heartbroken about this girl, though. I'm curious why she's homeless, why hasn't a social service taken her in yet? that works, though, for all intensive purposes.
AHHH WHY DOES SHE HAVE HER OLD HEART IT WOULD'VE DECOMPOSED MY BELLLY HURTS IN THINKING OMG
also, As sick as that sounds. The hospital was going to throw it out anyways. -> as sick as it sounds, the hospital was going to throw it away anyways.
oh my god, <3 that's heartbreaking where it talks about how all she wants to do is see herself. and i found this sort of fascinating, okay? i love how it ends on such a perfect note, how it just works out. even though i'm not positive the point of the short, it still makes sense and just is perfect and soft. there are little areas where it could've been improved, with just grammar stuff and phrasing, but as it is it's so brilliant and it's got a load of great potential.