btw PAGE CLAIM. >:D
January 28th, 2012 at 11:20pm
I love how thick the tension is and just the underlying story behind this whole thing. Whose Vittra running from? Whose this mystery girl Kaname dumped her for? It's all very addicting. However, I would suggest describing more things like how did she feel more specifically or what Kaname's face looked like before he told her they were over. Also, what was the weather? Was she cold? Warm? Or feeling cold from Kaname's sudden distant behavior? It's the details that'll really make this story come to life. Be sure to make it very clear whose POV is whose. Although you label it, their train of thought basically sounds the same.
A good thing to remember is that in a girl's POV, they're much more detailed and take the time to dish out all those details. Guys on the other hand, don't mention things they feel aren't necessary and when they do, it's generally something important. An example is in Kaname's POV when he's watching Supernatural (love the irony BTW). Maybe as he's making his popcorn, he's telling himself to story worrying and when he's watching the show, he can't seem to focus on it. Go into more detail about that, talk about his struggle because although he dumped her, he still cares very very deeply, you know? Maybe even put in a slip of the mystery girl. ;D
But other than that, I love the funny irony, the awkward situation of going back for the coffee, and this story in general. It has so much potential and I can't wait to see more! :D Subscribed!
