Hero High - Comments

I love it - I was catching up on it and it's wonderful - this is getting really interesting now :D

So I read up to chapter 5 since the chapters were short, like you said, and while the concept is interesting I am not really bonding with any of the characters. I think Ayriana's characterization in chapter 1 was too over the top, and she sounded more like a spoiled annoying brat, than someone who is truly confused about her powers. Tristan is a little better. I like the fact you gave him a cajun accent, even thought I don't know what that is exactly. It's a nice little add-on.

Now as for chapters 3, 4, and 5, I don't have much to say because they are so short. I will say I don't like how you broke them up. It makes the whole flow of the story seem choppy and confusing. One second we are with Tristan watching him battle some villains, and the next we are with Ayariana, back to Tristan. I think you were attempting to go for cliffhangers, but it was so contrived and forced that it was more annoying than suspenseful.

Also, I feel like you stole Gambit's power from X-Men to make Tristan. Now, I never really read the x-men comic books, but this was just the vibe I was getting. I think Gambit uses cards to.

So, I’ve read this several times already and I’m currently on chapter four. I see you changed the background (I think it was just plain black before?) and I must say the colours of gold and black look snazzy and kind of give the story that much needed superhero/fantasy kind of vibe, since this story is essentially about superheroes. Ooh, I wonder what Tristan did to Bender, if anger makes his superhero thingy like, flare up or whatever. I’ll just read chapter five since chapter four is a short chapter, so moving onto the next one. I just wanted to point out, you forgot the apostrophe in between the r and the s in ‘Benders’. Whoo, go Tristan for owning all of those bullies! I like it when people stand up for themselves. Anyway, intriguing end to finish off chapter five with the loud explosion and all, I’m curious to know what happens :O Good job!

:O :D I can't wait for the next chapter - I loved where Tristian smacked the guy in the face and he ended up knocked out. I love reading this one.

I love the new chapter Mitchell and I can't wait for more and I am super excited about getting the chance to work with you. You are more amazing then I am -hugs-
Update soon :D

Okay, I’ve read the first two chapters of this before and you said to read the first chapter again as you rewrote it again, and I gotta say, the new one is much better than the old one. I just found something wrong with this sentence.
“Good morning Ayriana.” He told her in his cheery toned voice. The period should be in the quotations, and there should only be a period if there’s no dialogue tag afterwards. Also, there is no need to say ‘cheery toned’, just saying ‘cheery voice’ is good enough.
Moving onto chapter three, I really liked how you described Ayriana’s kind of ‘panic attack’ (I know it’s probably some superhero reaction thingy) and you could clearly feel her fears and emotions getting all jumbled up. Anyway, good job :D

I love how you;ve written the story and I really liked it alot - your great grandma would be so happy reading this - and you are a trully gifted writer and it's an honor reading this story that you dedicated to her. I love all the characters - I love Tristan I'm sorry about that but I have a thing for any gamit like character. I will definetely be reading more of this when you updated and I'm probably going to go read more of your work. Thanks for sharing this it is awesome and I can't wait till you update Mitchell

I liked the way how you started the story, it seems really interesting so fra, with the reader realising that Ayriana's not normal right from the start. The only thing I have a problem with is that your sentencing seems a little stiff and awkward in places, I can't quite put my finger on it but it doesn't flow super smoothly. Perhaps take out some of the minor words like 'it' and 'and' etc. and use more commas? Anyway, I'm curious about Pixie, I womder if she's real or a figment of Ayriana's imagination, since she's a little strange and all. Ooh, I'm intrigued about Tristian, he obviously knows about his powers and he seems at ease with them. Again, this felt a little stiff and rushed, but it's not terrible or anything, I could still follow along relatively well. Good job :)

II love the layout for starters, it's so simple and to the point. I love the way this is also a superhero kind of story, I love the names you have chosen for the story also. I really could relate to the feelings you gave the main character. There where only a coupld errors with starting a sentence and what not, easy to fix just watch your sentences better. I also think it was a little to rushed, you went from one thing to another without describing much, maybe break it down and describe better? I will keep reading on. good job (:

First of all, the whole superhero plotline and such really interests me. I'm a huge fan of things like this and such. It honestly kind of reminds me x-men (which is definitely a good thing). I really like the character Pixie. It gave the main character such an innocence to her that you couldn't help but feel bad for the poor girl at the doctors. Some of your wording is a bit awkward but that can easily be fixed by just a few touch ups here and there. And the first chapter was a bit short for my liking but that's not really a problem. Other than those two things, I really don't have any other constructive criticism. All I can say is good job dear.

Alright, so I'm on chapter 2 right now and I'm liking this so far. I'm guessing that Tristan already knows that he's a "hero"; also, does Ayriana from the first chapter know about her powers? I'm not sure I really remember. Anyways, this was an interesting chapter, with the fight and all. Tristan is a cool character and for some reason, I imagined him as someone from X-Men; Dash reminds me of Azazel from X-Men, bahaha. As I said last time, I think that you should add a few more details here and there, as this chapter also seemed a bit stiff and rush-y. But that's my opinion. Good job, once again! :D

Right more please!!

So this is really interesting so far. I like how you establish this girl as "not normal" right off the bat, what with her little Pixie friend. I thought that was a very cute touch added to this. However, I found that it was a bit too stiff and rushed for my taste. You go from opening the scene, to introducing Pixie, to her parents returning, her dad putting her to bed, the little conversation that their having, and to Ayriana being left alone in almost one breath. I think you should add a bit more detail in the middle of those little scenes; it will make it flow better, I think. I would also suggest getting a beta for this, as they will help you iron out the kinks in this. It's a good idea, but it needs a bit of work. Anyways, this was a great start and I wish you luck with this (: