Whittle Myself Into Something - Comments

I just want to know what happened between Becks and Garrett because she completely flipped out.

I'm liking this story. Its different... but really different in a really good way : ]

So Erin finally realized who Jayy really was? Awkward. I feel so bad for her. He should have gone after her and apologized! Stupid boys.

I think that Jay is Jeremy but Erin just doesn't recognize him. It seems like he recognizes her though so why didn't he say something?

Running into your ex after you just threw up? Talk about awkward. I love that she slapped him though hahaha

Hmmm, so would Beck's opinion of Garrett be the same if Erin saw them? Because it didn't really seem like he was an asshole to her.

Thanks for updating(: Erin and Becks remind me of me and my bestfriend. I can't wait for the next update.

I was just wondering the other day if this story was still on or not. I was worried you guys had deleted it. I'm really excited for this and can't wait until everything starts to unfold because there's definitely some mystery surronding Erin and Becks.

I'm really interested to learn more about Becks' past and to see what this story has in store.

there is a lot of criticizing but its really not that bad, i would like to see were your taking this

First, I'm going to address the layout. I like the banner, but the background is a bit bright. I would prefer if it were a darker shade, but that's just me. Also, the writing is a little large.

Okay, now on to the story. I'm assuming this is a fan-fic, which I don't usually read. There's just something about making up stories of someone famous, that I do not enjoy reading. I only read fan-fic if it really grabs my attention, and if I think it actually has potential. Which is what I believe about this story. It sounds good. It sound interesting. It sounds like you're actually going to do something with it.

I enjoy reading your style of writing. I really want to see who you're working with, and get a chance to check out how they write.

So, on that note, I will subscribe and continue to read(:

I'm not a fan of the layout, it's too blue and plain for me though I must say, the picture is certainly very fitting and definitely matches your summary as the moon is like the bright light that is their goal and the city is the place where Erin and Becks start their new life, aha. I also like the summary, it was brief and to the point, I'm glad it wasn't too brief that the reader doesn't know anything or too detailed that the reader is overwhelmed. It's perfect, and the last line of the summary definitely piqued my interest!

I just wanted to say something about this sentence:
My mind set on my best friends house - ready to tell him the secret I’ve been keeping from him for six months now.
Since everything about the story so far was in past tense, it sounded a bit odd when you used the word 'I've', it would sound better if you said 'I had been keeping from him for six months now'? Just a suggestion, aha.

This story has potential, despite the initial awkward sentences, and I must say Erin's part immediately got me interested because she obviously had a secret that she was keeping from Jeremy, I'm already curious to know what it is :O Like the person above me, I'll advise splitting the chapter into two, but good job so far :)

The layout is simple, yet lovely, and fitting. The text is a bit too big though.

Their band, Dressed To Kill, just got it's big break and are going on the tour of their lives; Warped Tour.
- It should be "its". :)

They are ready for new experiences, good times, and new people.
- I think it would sound better and flow nicer if you switch out 'new experiences' and 'good times'. I mean, have 'good times' first. :)

Becks:

The sun was barely setting against a horizon of bubble gum pink and a faded lavender, blending together like cat vomit against the sky.
- I'm sorry, but what has that cat eaten?! Rainbows? I've got two cats, one who vomits when he eats too fast, and his vomit has never been any of those colors. If it was, I'd take him to the vet...

I was her mistake, her perfectly planned mistake she no longer wanted, stuck with the unloving woman while my father, so desperate for me, spent his time saving those deemed guilty.
- This sentence is a bit too long, and I suggest moving a few commas around and dividing it. Also, the beginning should look like this:
I was her mistake, her perfectly planned mistake she, no longer wanted...

"Where will you be when summer comes to an end? Are you going to go back to Florida to be with your mom, or to LA with your dad?" He asked
- 'He' shouldn't be capitalized.

Erin:

Overuse of semicolon, it disrupts the flow quite a bit.

Overall:

It's a story with potential, definitely, and there's a lot drawing me in. I'm curious about what will happen, who the characters are, and what their past is all about. It does however have several flaws, first and foremost with the flow, especially in the second half with the overuse of semicolons. Also, it almost never works splitting a chapter in two and writing from two people's pov's. If that's just something for the prologue however, I can understand it.

A few descriptions didn't make much sense, and in the end when she got dramatic about not knowing how to contact him ever again after simply calling him once, I didn't feel like I could connect with her. If you love someone, you're going to try calling EVERYONE they have ever known to track them down before giving up.

So yeah, a lot of potential and with some work this could be great.