Doe - Comments

I have very mixed opinions about this story so far.

Layout

I really don't like the layout at all. There are so many colors involved, and it hurts my eyes, so it's very distracting when I read the story.

Grammar and spelling

I think you might need a beta for this story. There are loads of grammar and spelling errors. Your sentence structures are sometimes broken, and there is a big lack of commas.

Story content

I like the relationship you've set up between Noah and Aria. It's a unique relationship between the two, and you have a nice style of writing. As for detail and description--in some parts, you really describe things well, and in others, it seems very bland. Maybe you should try looking over it and putting some detail in a few other areas. But, with the detail you do have, it flows together very well and I enjoyed reading it.

It's a nice read, and although it was a little difficult at first to get the hang of the plot, I liked it.

This story is abstract, but in a good way. To me, it seems to bounce around a lot. At times it's sort of hard to follow, but I think it's good that way. It keeps the reader guessing, though I would like to see a little more structure, and you might want to go back and check that grammar.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it. It's different and you've come up with something unique. Good job!

First chapter:

"I-I don't want to Noah.", My voice rilled througout the cold December air.

"My" should be lowercase, "my".

Noah's voice broke through the invisble sheild I once wanted up.

"Sheild" is "shield".

I made my eyes look at Noah, onxy short black hair standing out agasint his ghostly pale complexion.

"Onxy" is "onyx".

I shoot out voice not barley audiable like I was an hour ago.

"Audiable" is "audible".

I really liked the ending sentence in this chapter :) It gives me chills.

Second chapter:

There are loads of paragraphs that should be double spaced in this chapter.

So far, I really like how it's kind of poetic and flows fairly well with the short sentences.

Third chapter:

Again, loads of paragraphs smooshed together. It's okay to separate them.

Over all this story is good so far :)

I'm going to pretend I commented first :D

Anyways!
ASDFGHJ!!!! This is why you're amazing! Your descriptions get to me! You have this great sense of wording that just hits the right spots y'know?

You my friend, are unique. I can assure you it is very hard to find a writing style such as yours. I like Noah <3 :D

I love you and this!
:}

I just love the way you write.

It really is different than anything I have.ever seen. It makes it so real, and you could just feel what the characters are feeling and going through.

The style is confusing, but in a good way. Like, I migjt have to read a few paragraphs over, but I never really kind doing that, because it just is different each time. Does that even make sense?

XD

I love this story, very cute and the characters are amazing and your description is very well done.

P.s : I didn't call you a whore in the journal. :(

wow this was so interesting. the first time I read it I was a little confused but when I went back over it it made more sence. Your imagry is so vivid and the way you describe your characters is amazing. You can actually get into their heads and feel what they are feeling at the time. it's like you're really there. keep writing.

ps. I'll swap for justice below.

First love the way you put in your obsession with The Horrors with the story. XD I enjoyed this!

Holy crap on a stick, I love this O.O It's so different from anything else I've ever read, and the way you write is just amazing...

Continue or I'll slap you.

You have a lovely poetic writing style. It's very soothing and serene. I enjoy it and the way you described Noah. You use such vivid adjectives like onyx and clover instead of black and green. Noah seems to be something. . . Not human. You just described him in this godly way and that makes me want to know more about him. More about this story in general. You have a nice opening with this and it was very beautiful. I enjoyed every second of it. My only complaint is your punctuation errors. I noticed you put a period outside of your quotes, like this; "". You don't do that, especially if you've got this; "wordswordswordstoolazytomakeupasentence!" you don't need a period outside of that. Plus, if you've still got a bit of a sentence left, you put a comma instead of a period. Like this; "No, Joebert, don't leave me," cried Jill, her voice full of anguish and remorse. So yeah, other than that, splendid job. :) By the way, sorry about taking so long, I got distracted talking about Dujo being good looking. xD

First of all, I enjoyed reading the first chapter. It was secretlive, I didn't know what was happening. Which I enjoyed.
The second chater, though, was a bit confusing. Like, the way it was written. It was written more like a poem than a story.
The layout is really nice. I enjoy the colors and pictures.
That's it, I hope it wasn't too harsh...

Lov this especially the beginning of chapter 2 with the blades and wings. :) Update soon?

I'll be honest, it was a little difficult to read at first but it is a very interesting story idea and really wacky. (In a good way.)

I would suggest to just proofread what you already have posted because I noticed a few mistakes. One sentence I'm not quite sure flowed so well with the rest of the story was, "Don't worry, I'm not a vegan. I won't go all PETA lovin' on you." The rest of the work was very poetic and out-there and then you kind of all of a sudden toned it down to an opposite level with that line.

Other than that, it's weird but interesting and kinda quirky. It's like I can't even guess what will happen which is, believe me, a good thing.

I really liked this.

Aria and Noah are really interesting together, and I love how you describe Noah l. It makes me really pictute him and whats happening.

The way you wrote it was a bit confusing, but it was different and thats what I liked about it. You had it like thoughts, and ii liked that because you could tell what she was feeling.

So, I am curious about what happends next c:

First of all, I love your writing style. It's like thoughts. I can see where people would say its confusing, I had to reread it a couple of times and backtrack a little, but I have to do that with all the great authors like Rice or Poe or Twain. I truly enjoy your writing style. It's like the way thoughts flow. I'd kill to be able to write like that. (I wouldn't actually kill...but I'd donate a kidney to be able to write like that).

I didn't see any obvious grammar or spelling mistakes, but I'm not the kind of person who usually catches those.

You're a master at setting a mood and creating characters. 'Nuff said.

I don't normally comment on layout but what the hey, might as well. I don't really like it that much, seems plain to me. No offense. If that's what you like, that's what really matters.

Overall, I really like the story. :)

I enjoyed the poetic way you write. I recently listened to a song in a similar style and I really enjoyed it and you've got the same thing going on here. It's definitely very pretty and you have a great talent for setting a mood. The actions and words were all placed perfectly.

You do need to maybe find a beta, though. You had quite a few errors that were simple mistakes. I'm not trying to degrade you. Just saying what I observed. Also you probably want to fix the margins at the bottom - they're quite extreme. :o

Third comment!

First of all, the layout is really pretty :D

I've never read a story like this before, and i've never red about characters like Aria and Noah before, so GOOD JOB!

I really hope you update soon :P

Second comment!

Um love this. It's very different which is what always comes from you which is just why I love your writing so much!

First comment!

I love where you're going with this story. :)

Noah and Aria a couple of strange characters but in a good way. It makes me wonder how they met and stuff.

The start on this story is different than any story I've ever read before, and I'm serious. :)

I hope you'll tell me when you update. =D