Burn Day - Comments

I think that as I read this story, my eyebrows were furrowed the entire time, because while it was an interesting premise for a story, it just didn't make any sense to me, and that took a lot away for me. I think the reason why dystopian lit – and I think that's what this would be categorized as – the reason why it's so effective is that because even if it's a bit far-fetched that things in the world would get so extreme, there's still aspects of it that are realistic and it leaves the reader thinking, “just maybe...” because there's logic that can be followed to that conclusion. I didn't feel that with this.

While I could buy that the world would get so overpopulated that there would have to be some kind of 'population control' tactic employed, I just can't believe that something like this – something so out of control and blatantly brutal – would ever, could ever come to be. I just think that if there was something like this to be done, people (in the world, in this world) would pick a better way – a better way to decide who dies and a better way to euthanize them. For me, I just couldn't get past what I thought was not a believable premise, it seemed too contrived.

With that said, while I...disagree with the method used in the story, I think this was mostly well written and I definitely like that you at least tried to do something different and unique (which not a lot of people do). I like that in the end, your main character decided to die with her family. I felt like that was something real, that she decided she couldn't live without them. (As I was reading, I did question what she would do after the burning – a young girl with no family and no home who was still in school. What would she do? Where would she live? How would she support herself? I had a lot of questions there as I read.)

I was a bit unsettled by the lack of hysterics or really any strong reaction as this entire family prepared for their horrible death (being burned to death isn't something that anyone can really look forward to). I kind of feel two ways about their reaction: on one hand, I can see how this is “the norm” for the people of their time and so they're sort of resigned to it, but on the other hand, I think that no matter how used to people have gotten used to the idea of these Burn days, when their facing the reality of it, I think they would react differently. I mean, these are two adults who are going to watch their two children die with them and know that they're leaving their daughter all alone in the world, and these are two children who know they're going die, and this is one girl who knows her entire family is going to be killed and she'll be all alone. I expected more reaction from them when the time came to part. A little more fight. I don't think I believe that 8 years (started in 2052 and this took place in 2060) is enough time for humanity to be resigned to this worldwide brutality just yet, especially not on a personal level, when you and your family are about to be killed. I don't find it believe that there's no fight left in them just yet.

*is thuroughly impressed*

Seriously. This is awesome - easily one of your best so far. The descriptions were beautiful, as well as the metaphors. The bit where the family is all together could use some improvement as far as enticing emotion, but the rest was fine.
Near the end you had "cray" instead of "cry" and there was one or two dont'-s. And the yellow font made it really hard for my eyes to focus. White would be perfectly acceptable for the text, though I do know what you were trying to go for for the layout.
But overall, really, really good :D

First of all I have to say that I loved you comparing society and population growth to a flame, I thought that was a really good idea, and very true.
I liked the layout, it was easy to read and it fits well with the story.
Your writing style has nice flow, and I could really see that in this short story, with one exception. When the family are in the room talking about who should live, and again when they are saying good bye, it is very jagged. It is hard to guess who is talking and who they are talking to.
Other then that and a couple small typos, it is a very good read.
I especially loved the last line.
The wax drips down and burns those you love, and you never say goodbye. Not really.
I love it. Not many people know how to end short stories, but you did an excellent job. :)

Thank you for entering the contest and good luck.
^_^