Little Piece of Heaven - Comments

Okay, I'm not crying... just barely.

The first two chapters felt a little emotionally distant, almost as if you were keeping yourself from getting too close to the subject. It's completely understandable, especially in a subject such as the one you were addressing here. I know how hard it is to keep myself still engaged without going over the edge and making it too hard to continue. However, it also might be my evaluation as a reader trying to stay a little distant as well.

I really enjoyed the epitaphs however. I thought that, especially with the later descriptions, they were very appropriate for each of them. They were a tad similar, though that made a lot of sense considering the relation. They seemed very sweet, and especially with the little girl, wholly giving of herself even in the face of such overbearing danger; a true hero there.

The last chapter, no matter that it was short, was by far my favourite. It was a great way to wrap everything up and really tell your readers the rest of the story. :)

There's a couple of syntax mistakes, but nothing to be too worried over as they're easily missed in editing. Great job all in all. Sorry again for the delay on this, I should have gotten to it in November. Good luck

Hello, :)
I'll be commenting twice just to get initial reactions and final ones in. I love the layout and I think that everything is very well organized. I haven't read it yet, but I'm looking forward to it... I have a sinking feeling that I'll be wanting tissues handy but we'll find out I suppose :). Sorry about the delay on this.

Thank for for entering my contest. :) I think this story is very well-written and it gives me hope that not everyone in the mibba community is lacking in certain skills. Thanks again.

I like the darkness of the layout, but I think it'd look better if the picture & story area matched up in size & if the purple was lighter. I mean, it might just be me, though. I don't have good eyes.

Aw, this is really sad. Losing two people at once has to be dreadful, & you really conveyed it well. The descriptions themselves, especially the happy ones, made this even sadder, if that even makes sense. It probably doesn't, so I'll elaborate: the happy statements, like about cucumbers & strawberries, makes the grim reality that Jason lost everything even worse. Which really works towards the benefit of making a tug-at-the-heart-strings kind of story.

The irony of Jason's urge to drink & how Tracy died makes me wonder why he didn't mention that earlier, really. However, it's sad nonetheless.

I think the whole thing with Lucy went by a little too fast, though. Although I can get why, it just feels rushed, especially her death holding Jason's hand. I'm kind-of, now that I think about it, wondering about Jason's scar, like, if it's connected to Tracy or Lucy.

The end almost made me cry. I mean, I can really feel his pain. This was so beautiful.

I love the layout. I think it goes really well with the story seeing as they're both dark.
The summary suits really well and it gets me interested for the story.
And then the actual story content... oh god, he loses his wife and then his baby girl?
That's just so sad and heart wrenching. Such a terrible tragic loss in such a short time. You can almost feel how hurt he is.
I loved reading this, I honestly did.

Layout: Your layout is super pretty but also really dark so it makes it hard to read, I would suggest making the story content background white and so it matches up with the picture go to Story Area and make it about four or five hundred.

Summary The words are from Skillet's song "Lucy" I love that song, <3 I am hooked already - the song is deep and meaningful I can only imagine what the story is going to layout on the table for me.

Story Content - I will read the first chapter only for now.
This story actually brought tears to my eyes, the thought of losing a child made my heart stutter to be honest. I have children of my own so this really got to me. I wonder how everything went down, this was very well written. The description made everything seem so real so keep up with that. :D

I really don't know what to say. The background was beautiful and went with the story really well. The story is...amazing..no beyond amazing, it's sad yet beautiful. Your descriptions made the story even more moving and powerful. really great job I loved every second of it:)

The background is PERFECT I wouldn't change it for anything

I promised I'd swap since you reviewed my story so here I am :)

I like the layout, but I think, honestly, it's a bit too dark. Maybe if you made the words, or the area where the words go, white, or even a lighter color, I think it would be better and easier to read.

I like the banner, it's simple, but I love the fonts "Little Pieace of" and "Heaven" are written in.

I like the summary as well, is it a song?

Chapter One

In the second paragraph, third sentence you said: The smell of cucumber mixed with strawberries in the air as he kissed her fore-head.
Forehead doesn't need a hyphen because it's one word.

In the second paragraph, last sentence, you said: He held on to her tightly and whispered “I love you” in her tiny ears as she closes her eyes for a nap.
I think that should say "closed her eyes" instead of "closes her eyes", but I could be wrong.

In the third paragraph, second sentence you said: She was kicking a rock and laughing softly when Jason looked into her eyes and said “Your mother used to do that”
I think there should be a comma after "said" and a period after "that" instead the quotation marks.

In the same paragraph, forth sentence you said: he was not going to cry thinking of Tracy, so she knew she had to make him smile by her cute voice saying ‘I love you daddy”.
"He" should be capitalized and there should be two quotation marks when she is first beginning to speak, instead of only one.

In the same paragraph, fifth sentence you said: His lips trembled again as he looked up at the sky and said in his mind I love you to Lucy.
That should be "too" instead of "to", and a comma should follow - I love you too, Lucy.

In the fourth paragraph, first sentence you said: The only two people in his world he had gave his life to, his heart to.
I think that should say "given his heart to" instead of gave, although I could be wrong.

In the fourth paragraph, last sentence, you said: Remembering Lucy, always stops him, she wouldn't like that if she found him drinking.
I don't think there needs to be a comma after "Lucy".

In the last paragraph, first sentence, you said: He starred in to the sky wondering if he will ever see them again.
"Stared" only needs one r.

In the last pagraph, last sentence you said: Jason missed her little voice every secound he lies awake on both there tombstones.
"There" should actually be "their".

All-in-all, I think the story is good. I found a few other mistakes but nothing too major. If you'd like me to review the other two chapters for you just leave me a comment on my profile ^-^

PS: I really like the way how you had the word 'pieace' in the title, and how it's a combination of the word 'piece' and 'peace', at how there's that little girl in heaven, therefore meaning a piece in heaven, and how she's in peace in heaven. :) Very clever, I like it!

I really like your layout and banner and the overall atmosphere I get from your story! Already, I’m getting a kind of creepy, sad vibe which is good because I can see a person holding their head in anguish and someone bending down in front of a gravestone which makes me think death is sure to be inevitable in this story. One thing I don’t like though is that the banner is a bit large for the story area, but that’s just me. I would personally make the story area bigger though, haha.

I did a quick scan of the story and I just found one thing that stood out to me, when you talk about Jason looking into her eyes and saying, “Your mother used to do that.” You forgot the period at the end of the word ‘that’ and I would capitalise the ‘h’ that came after the previously mentioned sentence. Also, when the girl says, “I love you daddy”, there should be a comma after the word saying before the phrase ‘I love you’ and the period should be after the word ‘you’ and not after the quotation marks. But overall, I loved the sadness and gloom that went with the first chapter and you have a wonderful way with descriptions and you describe ‘em perfectly and the reader is really able to truly clearly visualise what is going on. Keep up the fabulous work, good job <33

This story was sad. It almost had me in tears, honestly. I love the darkness of your layout, and your banner. How did you get it to look like that? It's so pretty; in a sad, tragic kind of way. You have quite the knack for descriptions; they make me see colours, emotions and a life. It's so tragic, Jason's life. Or non-life. Or whatever you call it. I can't believe there are people who would actually do that to a little girl? How could someone shoot a child? That's just terrible.

And was Tracy driving the car? Dang. Wasn't she drunk? That's a little crazy. Honestly. All in one, I enjoyed reading this story. You've got quite the talent there :)

wow this story is the saddest thing I have ever read. This guy is just so unlucky! It makes me sad just thinking about i. it is beautifuly written and the only think I can find was the grammer mistake "the beautifully colored tattered leaves..." there should be a comma between colored and tattered. I really hope that there is a happy ending here and I'm subscribing because I can't stand the thought of not knowing what's happing! keep writing, or just message me and tell me the ending!

Layout: I really like the layout; it's nice and dark but I recommend having a white background to make it easier to read. And maybe change the link color to a light gray to make it more readable.

Mistakes: You forgot to add a period in multiple cases after someone was talking but that's it (:

Tips: Maybe start a new paragraph whenever someone is talking so it's easier to read. And in Chapter Two; maybe write out the number ( four hours, two minutes and forty-five seconds instead of 4 hours 2 minutes and 45 seconds ) rather than just type in the number so it'll flow better.

Story: So far, I like where this story is going; it's sad, mournful, everything that makes me want to cry. I find it sad how those men killed Lucy, an innocent little kid. And I thought it was sad how Tracy jut died like that and didn't move out of the way. I mean, she has a daughter so why didn't she just move?

But overall, I like the piece you have here (:

Wow that's really good so far.!!!