Marionette - Comments

Between the summary, and the layout, it just captivates me as a extremely disturbing story. It generally scares me right off the bat. And, I doubt you planned on this, however, do to my eyes reaction to the colours, it tends to look like the letters are dripping, or seeping down when I'm not looking at the words.

And I feel like the colour of the dress is an eerie foreshadowing of what's to come. I can't wait to see where this goes, it's just creepy enough to keep me enticed.

Also, I love the butterscotch lozenge addition, just cause I love butterscotch. (:

So, I came across your story in your signature. Of course it captured my attention. So far LOVE the plot.

Although I do think you need to work on your layout. It's kind of annoying, with it being so spread out. Slim it down a little. Also In your first chapter, the first paragraph had a lot of the word "bloomers". You might want to change that up. Because I swear I read it like 3-4 times.

Your story reminds me of this Episode of Black Butler where this girl gets abducted and turned into a marionette doll. :) That might be why I like this story so much. You have a lot of potential. And If you tell me what all you want I'll be more than happy to make you a banner. That looks amazing. :) Im pretty decent at banners. Check out my blog if you wanna see some of the ones ive made. :)

I found the link to this story in your signature and I was curious. It's interesting title is what got me hooked most of all and this line:

"He was just a man that enjoyed the taste of blood, and the smell, and the texture. Was that so wrong?"

. . . was a WIN.

I liked the fact that you came out and squarely said that the maniacal character you were describing was not a vampire. I actually had two reactions to tell the truth:

At first I said to myself, "YES." I seldom read (or stumble upon) horror stories in the first place and second, a great many of stories involving typical mythical creatures, for instance vampires and werewolves, have been beaten to death in most Original and Fan Fiction that I've seen so far.

I was also a sort of disappointed because the way the story is set up in the introduction reminds me so much of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

I'm intrigued by this story. I love horror/mystery stories (when they are written right, which I think, so far, this is) and I am really excited about the crazy twist that you added to it.

The prologue was fantastic - you really captured the "artist"s crazy. Personally, I liked the 3rd person in the prologue a lot better than chapter 1's 1st person, but that is because (like LettersToNormandy pointed out) in 1st person, authors tend to start a lot of the sentences with 'I'. Don't worry, I do it too, but I've found that adding in descriptive sentences (that don't have to do with the character) among the action, and starting some sentences with participial phrases helps.

One last thing - in the first chapter, your paragraphs were super short. A lot of them could be combined into one larger paragraph. The thing about paragraphs is that they are generally separated by idea, so the whole scene where she is walking around (BEFORE the fabric shop) could all be one idea. One paragraph. You kind of see what I mean? I know, it's sort of hard to explain. It's just a style thing, but that might make it a little easier to read - rather than skipping down to a new paragraph every 3 sentences (and with the centered format), having one larger paragraph allows the readers eyes to flow a little easier...but that's just a suggestion.

Overall, I really enjoyed it, and I hope you continue to write it! :)

Your prologue was very interesting, third person seems to suit your writing style fantastically well, it was a good way to hook your readers. Clearly you've got a psycho with a fetish for youngish women cut up like fish. Creepy, but good. Very good.

One thing that bugged me about the next chapter was that you seemed to start quit a lot of lines with "I". One sentence like that here or there doesn't hurt, but as it was it really broke up the flow of your story.

Also, the word fabric was used quite a bit towards the end and it just felt a bit repetitive. Why not try using different variations of the word to keep things fresh?

Near the beginning where her father says "Hello darling" or something you follow it up with 'I smiled.' Until I read the next line I thought she had said that! Be careful of that type thing, it will confuse your reader.

Overall though this was a very nice read. I didn't see any spelling mishaps or anything, so that's always good. Best of luck with this!

The first chapter of this story was AMAZING! Words can't really explain the coolness of this story!

The title caught my attention and really made me want to read this story, so here I am.

First impression, it's hard to read because of the dark colors of the layout. Maybe use a dark background with lighter colored words or something. It kinda hurts my eyes a bit.

Now I really like the summary, however I am not one for the rhetorical question towards the end. I would try to shorten it a bit to hook the readers a bit more.

I've only read the Introduction to the story and I must say the opening line alone really got me to want to really read it to the last word in the chapter. Your description is gruesome and good in a creepy way. This is definitely an interesting horror story and not common here on Mibba, I'm actually glad you recommended this to me.

You have a very smooth writing style that makes it easy to follow and actually pleasurable to read. Keep this up and this story can become quite popular, keep up the great work.

=D

I like the details, but your dialogue in the second chapter is off. You're supposed to start a new line when someone talks and not have it lump into one paragraph. It is easier to read if it is broken up, otherwise everything gets lost in a jumble of words. If you follow the Mibba writing guideline, that's how it is supposed to be written, or else your story can get reported. I am not going to report your story because I don't care, but I think you should watch out for that.

I randomly stumbled on this story, and I have to say that what caught my interest was the title. So, being interested in the title, I clicked on the story and read the summary, and I must say that I was absorbed into the story.

I loved the details throughout the two chapters, and how the change purse and the fabric that she bought in the second update were compared to each other. I love it when authors do that, and I wish a lot on this site would put more details into their stories, because they'd be so much better. I also love how at the end of the second update she gave him one of her candies, and it seemed to me that how she did that made her a little vulnerable to him (because I'm assuming he's the artist).

I'm looking forward to see how insane the two of you will make the artist when he's going after his goal. And he seems like a character that will never give up until he breathes his last breath. But many "villains" do that.

Definitely earned another subscriber. :)

~Lady

I love it(:
Lots of Love<3

I agree completely with the first comment, this first chapter was wonderful, and I enjoyed it very much. I really love insane characters at the moment, and the idea of the man's search for ideal beauty really appealed to me.
I hope you keep writing this. :-)

Wow um how does this not have more comments? ):

Pfft do I like horror? I LIVE FOR HORROR. <3

Hm. I liked the summary, but it feels a bit long, no? Kind of a bit too revealing, you know? I loved it though, because the descriptions were very interesting, and it does make me want to read on. I think that if you shortened it a bit, and took away some of the details, that it would make the whole thing come together more so I will want to read on without knowing as much as I did going in.

Comments:
Holy. Just. JUST WOW. HOLY, WOMAN. This was gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. I read the first sentence and I was like 'Damn this will be good'. Oh god was I wrong. IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN GOOD. IT WAS CRAZY AWESOME. I BET IT EVEN EXTENDS PAST CRAZY AWESOME TO F-CKING MASTERFUL.

I just loved it. The details, and the absolute insanity of the man just made me go crazy over this. He seems to be portrayed as an artist, and I find that fascinating. This part here:

Needless to say that final swipe to the neck was unnecessary. She was long dead and she certainly couldn’t get any worse looking.

It sounds exactly like what an artist would think. And that is a beautiful way of putting it. I never thought of it, but you know, it's so unique and absolutely cool.

Just perfect. I'm going to add: HOW IS THIS YOUR FIRST HORROR STORY?! YOU DID SO WELL. BE PROUD, WOMAN. BE PROUD.