Allure - Comments

@ XXXataktoulaXXX
It's been revamped and edited and is now a whole different story based on the same mythology. I've written ten (maybe twelve?) chapters but they're not posted online as of now! I'm too scared. But thank you so much.

You have to update this one. I'm begging you here.

Last story I'm commenting on tonight. You'll get your YBTR comment when you finally come online.

...Did I even comment on the prologue? No?
WOOPSIES.

Sorries Grampaa. You already noes I suck.

Don't worry though. I wouldn't have said much more than GRAMPAA YOU ARE GR8 AND I'M NOT SURE I GET IT BUT YAY THIS IS AWESOME~

You really didn't miss out on much.

Woah woah woah. Whut. There was actually world peace?
/Grampaa what kind of crazy mixed up world are you writing aboot there's always wars here on Earth with us humans

We were holding hands with death, and it embraced us with a touch so surreal that many of us fell into its arms.
akhdsklhgjhgkjdkga this and every other line in that paragraph were just kdgksldhgskjhjd

His name was Greuceanu.
WAY TO EASE THE TENSION. WOW.
...How do you even say that?

Grampaa I still don't know what this story is about and the Zmei thingies really aren't helping that situation.

The answer was obvious and unspoken. Nothing. We could give them nothing.
These people sound like Iggy.

So yeah. The ending made very little sense to me. But it's getting kind of late and I'm tired so I'll just blame it on that.

STILL THIS WAS GR8. Be awesome and post more because I need to understand all this madness.
kthxbai.

This is absolutely amazing. I love the way you explained everything without losing that touch of mystery.

I really think your summary is good; I like that you use two contrasting pieces to contrast the characters and provide an intrigue for the reader to want to click the prologue link. :) I was a bit iffy at the tense change between the two, but after reading the summary a few times (like three or four?), it begins to grow and you and makes more sense; it feels like you're in the action and that gives off those haunting vibes, I guess. :) So, it's a good summary and it creates a whole lot of intrigue. :)

She sung the song of Lucifer with the voice of an angel, - I like how this line creates a contrast between the heaven and hell that the narrator is speaking of. :) And how it goes on further to say she's almost got the best of both worlds ; even if it does seem like an unnatural thing for her (whoever/whatever she may be).

but she craved the lure of sinfulness like an arsonist craved the kiss of a flame. - I also quite like this line just because of the use of the word 'flame.' If it was just a straight up comparison to an arsonist, it would seem pretty weird but because you add in 'flame,' it brings a whole other level of meaning to the sentence; there's a flame inside her that ignites and I don't know if it would be called a love of things, but it certainly rings that kind of bell. :)

simply a loose end searching for somewhere to tie to. - I don't quite like the way you've ended this sentence. It just seems kind of abrupt and doesn't really quite fit well with the rest of the description going on.

I like that you don't explicitly tell the reader what 'he' is, that it's mostly up for speculation (vampire yes?). I like that it's mostly description of his personality if anything. :) And I like how you make a contrast between the two characters and how that creates major conflict; on the one level he's dead and she's alive but on the other she was/is modelled by a certain way of life which he might not have had when he was alive? It just creates differences that you can build a plot on. :) My only concern with your female character is that you might make her a victim of her upbringing, and that might sound weird in the plot, so I hope that doesn't happen ;) Overall though, it definitely is intriguing. :)

Layout/Summary/Title
I love the layout. The simple background really makes it easy to focus on the pictures included. Although a bit distracting, they really add to the feel of the story. The title is very... alluring. Aha. It's enough to capture your attention and it isn't overly big or cliche. As for the summary, it's good. The gradient text adds to the feel, and your vocabulary and sentence structure used in the summary is perfect. Golden.

Prologue
I can think of absolutely nothing to say that could break the perfectness of this chapter. Which is quite odd for me, because usually I leave comments that are literally longer than the author's story. You've got a great opening sentence; it captures your attention and really pulls you in. You have some amazing similes in here that really enhance the feel, and a great deal of characterization in here for it to just be the prologue. Your vocabulary and word choice is flawless, and I love the inclusion of the title in the actual writing. The parallelism in paragraph 2 really also helps add to the mood. It's obvious that you took the time to really flesh this prologue out. I love it, but I feel like the complex sentences might confuse other people trying to read it. It doesn't bother me a bit, and it's very mature feeling.

You have a great start. The prologue really makes you eager for more. LIke previously stated, your word choice and vocabulary couldn't be more perfect. Only complaint from me are the pictures in the summary. A bit distracting. But otherwise, superb job so far.