September 19th, 2011 at 06:50am
I'm not sure. Maybe it should be a one-shot. It gives the readers some room to make their own interpretation of what should happen next and it adds that nice drop off to it.
There are a lot of grammatical errors that I caught that kind of pulled me away from the story a bit and a few spelling errors. Most of it was just not adding commas to where they need to go and putting run-on sentences in there. I noticied most of the 'wont's' in there should have been 'wants'
Other than that, I thought this was a really good idea. I've never seen this idea before or in this manner so kudos. :)
Also, adding Mikey to an aslyum was a good touch since that's unfortuantly where a lot of people go that don't need to be there.
The intro here is very short, but you create alot of curiousity and interest for your readers with just a few words. That takes talent, and you did very very well with that. :D
I like the description you put at the beginning of Mikey's situation and of him telling himself he isn't crazy. It gave me a look into his mind now as well as a glimpse into his past. You accomplished two things in one paragraph. :3
I also love that you mention that Gerard and Mikey are very close. i dislike stories that make them out to be distant or dislike each other, so that was very true to life and well done.
Franky takes a turn for the worst, eh? This is very believable as well. many ghosts will work to befirend the innocents so that they can get fulfillment out of killing them later. Very good idea. :D
And now Mikey is in the mental ward.
That was a very good, dramatic ending. And it actually leaves the mind to wonder about what would happen next.
I think this is wonderful as a stand alone one-shot, but if you have the inspiration for it, it could make a great chaptered story as well.
Awesome work! :D