Irresistible Player - Comments

Hi, I'm the new judge for You Already Have It (Pre-Writes) under Mibba's Contest Revival and this is me judging your entry. Thank you for your patience! I comment as I go, so if it's a little disorganized, I apologize (although, I am making an attempt to keep the comment organized).

Unfortunately, this is not the first time someone has written a story based off of this idea and really, I’d love to be able to say that this was great but it lacked feeling and details and it was hard to actually see the friendship between Matt and Anna other than the words they exchanged.

This story could have so much potential, if only you could fix those things.

Also, there are several spelling errors and grammar errors that would need fixing. I understand that it’s been two years so fixing them might not interest you, but I thought you might like to know they are there. I’m sure that if they were fixed, this story might come off better.

Really though, I wish I loved this story but it just isn’t up there yet, but it seriously has so much potential. I think if you ever consider going over your old stories, this should be one of them. It could be so great.

I’m sorry if this came out bitchy. I don’t mean for it to sound that way. I’m just trying to give you an honest opinion and I’m not sure how to word it so this is the way it came out. Please accept my apology if you’re offended. I really don’t mean it that way.

Good luck in the contest! (:

So I like the concept of this but I don't see why she's so in love with this guy. He actually kind of sounds like an asshole and you don't really see that much of their friendship to give you a good impression of him or give a reason behind why she loves him. I mean the idea is done a lot, so it's kind of hard to do something like this and make it original. I also feel as though this would do nicely with description and with some more emotion behind it. Otherwise nice job.

Perhaps rewording the first line?

"I’m home with the man I love who is also my best friend and his sister."

It sounds as if you're saying that the man the narrator loves is her best friend and is his sister.

it made me laugh though. (in a good way.) c:

I was brought here by the comment swap.
I’m not quite sure about this, because the idea has been done a million times and I didn’t think you did anything particularly original with it. That doesn’t have to be necessary, the story is good as it is, but I think it lacked feeling. I didn’t really get anything from reading it. I’d suggest going over it and give it more of a spark, and have your readers really understand how Anna is feeling at all times. But I’m not sure, because I assume as a seventeen year old guy, I’m not a part of the target group.
If you choose to go over it, good luck!

I found the banner a little distracting, to be honest, but not overly so, and I just scrolled past so it wasn't even there while reading so that was okay... The story is cute, if a little predictable, but it's good. There are one or two very minor mistakes but overalll it was nice and the characters were very real and believable. Nice job.

This story is very interesting and I liked the way it was written but there are a couple of mistakes in your writing which could easily be corrected. I don't really like your banner still banners are always better and look a lot more professional. Your story is cute :)

This is really well written. It's relatable and seems almost real. I love the ending; it is just so cute. And I like how that other girl's name was Anna too, it makes me wonder if he did that on purpose because he was in love with her. Anyways, good job! (:

Loved this.

Oh so cute! Well done! :)

Okay, this was an interesting piece. I quite liked the way it was written, however I did find a couple of mistakes, just grammatically. There were also a few spelling mistakes, but besides that it was pretty good. I did quite like this - you have a lot of potential :)

I really love your layout, the banner goes well with the layout. I love the story, it was cute and like a story being told.. You put just enough detail and it was really good, you have potential to being a good writer, there was nothing wrong with this story, keep going (:

The layout was nice. I like the sparkly kissy lips(: I found a few mistakes. Your story was so cute. Its like every dream a girl would have if they were in love with there player best friend. Other than the cuteness I feel that you put just enough detail in the story.
Last I could say is keep writing and never let anybody ever tell you different.

The layout is interesting; the banner is a little distracting but I didn't mind it. I also loved the colors.

This was so cute and adorable, cheesy and everything else xD and I loved it.

Good Job

I LOVE IT! I found one error grammar wise, not that I am the best with grammar, but other than that it was AMAZING! I really love it! it was VERY cute, and it made me smile! great job! :D it was sweet and perfect

:3 just thought I'd leave a comment
LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Omg I love your story, it's amazing gripping, I'm hooked. Please write more, it's amazing wonderful. Btw this story is helpful in a way. Something like that is going on with me. By the way I love your story, please write more.

I love stories like this! It's so romantic in ways I can't explain.