Hiding Tonight - Comments

I love the layout. It's romantic in it's own little way and makes me smile.

But the first chapter is tragic and makes me worry about the two characters because what could have happened in the four months that's so bad that one of them would want to kill them self?

Love these first two chapters. Love them lots.

This is really great. I'm wondering how Rae will get to the point of almost committing suicide. I want to know more about these two characters! :3
And the layout is absolutely gorgeous.

This was truly beautiful, Rowen. The layout, banner, summary, and the story itself. I enjoyed every single minute of it. Callie really has her skills with banners, doesn't she? Kinda, jealous. But anyway, it was really nicely done. Again, I. enjoyed. every. single. moment. of. it. Yup. The periods were necessary.

The thing I liked the most was it was for moi ~ woo. But yeah.

“If you see anything nice,” she crawled onto her knees and gave me a small kiss on my cheek. I chuckled softly and took a hold of her hand. She took it with both of her hands and hugged it carefully. Another chuckle escaped my lips as I rode into a new city. -
I truly believe that is my favorite part. Not because it was near the end of the second chapter [I actually want more] but because it was cute........I'll say it again. It was cute. It was cute. Again....it. was. cute Yup.

You should continue since the man you wrote this for says so ~~~~ <3

First of all, the layout is absolutely gorgeous. Really, the banner and the colour scheme and just everything. It's really beautiful. <3

Chapter one:
I love how quickly you pull out the emotion in the story, and how quickly develops into a really alluring aspect of the first chapter. I also love how realistic it is in that he doesn't just wait around for her to jump - which let's face it, isn't all that realistic (I certainly wouldn't wait around for a loved one to jump to their death). There's a lot of unanswered questions that leave me interested as to the reason behind why she was going to commit suicide. I think it's a great first chapter and I loved the way you ended it (I aww'd), I do have some con-crit though...

'Cars were rushing from A to B, beneath her feet.' I personally don't think that comma needs to be there (although I'm sure you could argue to keep it), and being the first line, it's really distracting. It's too quickly fragmented and I can't build a flow or a decent feel for the story, which is quite off-putting.

In relation to the flow another thing you do that is significant in pretty much destroying all the momentum you have is the short, repetitive sentences. I know short sentences can be something consciously used as a writing technique, but I don't think this works like that. There's a lot of sentences (especially in the first paragraph) I join up in my mind and you have a thing for alternating sentence openers between 'I' and 'She'. Even changing the way you structure the sentence so the action comes first would be nicer - it reads like a list otherwise.

The last thing was you use 'wet' as a describing word when talking about both their eyes. I feel unless you say 'her eyes were wet with tears too' or something like that it's really sort of... sluggish. I'd prefer another word was used or you stick a 'too' in somewhere. :\

Chapter two:
Okay, the thing that excited me most, was that you'd decided to go back and show us what happened beforehand as opposed to moving forward (as is ever so common in these types of stories) and just telling us. It also made me happy when you mention Leeds because (that was the last place I saw MCR :twitch) it meant this was set in the UK. I find most British authors on here -myself included- set their stories in America. It's stupid, I'm all for stories set in Britain - we should lead a revolution. Oh lord, and pubs. Every story should have a brief mention of a pub in it, pubs are the best. I don't find them authentic now the smoking ban has kicked in and you can see clearly in them - which is funny because I'm all for the ban :3

'She just woke up, her hair was messy and her eyes weren’t that awake just yet.' Maybe this is quite picky, but it doesn't sit right with me when you say her eyes weren't that awake. I'd say that's likely because it isn't her eyes that aren't awake, it's her brain getting up to speed and not sending the signals yada yada. I don't think you need to be incredible at biology for it to sound off, because trust me - I'm not. :3 I think you'd be better saying 'Her hair was messy and her eyes dazed having just woken up' or something similar.

The only other things I'd say about this chapter is you say 'below Leeds' which should be South of Leeds really, although on a map I suppose you could argue below Leeds is correct. I think it just takes away from your wonderful writing though when my head is subconsciously debating that and distracting me. Once again, I'd watch for your short sentences and use of similar verbs.

This story is really lovely though, and I hope I didn't give you the impression I didn't like it from the con-crit - I do. Your writing is really lovely to read; really casual and sort of like a conversation rather than a textbook. It's friendly, and you connect to the characters and the atmosphere of the setting really well.

I'm subbing, we'll see where this goes, yeah? :D