Hello, sorry I'm a bit slow on giving out my treats. First off, I wanted to talk about your title, too, it really is one of those titles that draws in a reader, which is something I love. If you've ever read any of my peeve blogs, I can't stand long drawn out titles, but I love the short slightly mysterious titles.
I have to agree that the narrator can sound a bit immature, but seeing as she is in school I can actually understand how she may be feeling.
I think I may be misreading but I did more than that with other guys, even though none of them were as hot as he was read a bit confusing to me.
I think you should certainly keep the story. I like the direction it's heading in. I also think that it will help with building your descriptions as you continue to write. I'll be recommending this in my next blog, and I'm going to check out your other stories. :3 It may just take me awhile.
Though, I have to say, it sucks the way her previous relationship ended, I mean, he just put it so blunt.
Comment Swap First off, I'll like to say that I really like the story title. It sounds sexual but at the same time, has a mysterious atmosphere around it. I noticed that your layout makes the writing a bit hard to see with the dark contrasting against the dark. Also, I think your summary should be shortened and very brief instead of asking a lot of questions.
Onto the real content The voice of the narrator sounds very immature. Especially when she sees this very attractive guy that resembles much of her ex. Also, I know that this could have potential if you added a bit more detail and put in a twist to every paragraph or the ending. It's much more likely to get a lot more readers and subscribers if there's a cliffhanger or something that leads up to the end. Also, I think that the main character could be written rather differently from a more realistic point of view, if you understand what I'm saying?
So first off I like how this isn't one of those "I hate you but I love you" cliches, I think we've all had one of those instant crushes on someone before. However, I don't really like the main character's cockiness, like how she's all "my best friend Dillon is in love with me and so is Leslie I think I turned her bi." Overall I think this is a good story. I'm not entirely sure where you're going with the plot, like what the climax of the story will be, but it is undoubtedly a good story and a cute read. So good job with this :)
This is a really interesting story. Your plotline is intriguing and keeps the reader hooked throughout. Your characters are obviously well-thought-out, and I like the narrator. She has a kind of awesome attitude, and I feel like I can relate to her.
She was about to make my ears bleed with that voice of hers. - you have no idea how many times this thought has crossed my head in classes at school/uni. Nice way to tie the reader in with that line, it made me laugh a little.
Your grammar is a little off at times, and you description can lack depth in places, but with a little work, those will definitely improve. Keep it up!
Not bad... has potential, but I feel you need more details. Also I feel the reason why she doesn't want to be with him should also be explained in some way for form. couple grammatical errors.... sometimes I don't get where you are going or why you are going there whoever. I suggest that you plan your thoughts further. I feel you ideas go to chapter 2 when you're on chapter 1 when you want yours thoughts to be going to chapter 10 on chapter one. Every chapter should be leading to a climax and I'm not sure it does. I do like that your plot is a twist on a classic story line. I'm intrigued but be careful not to put 10 characters and 8 of those characters don't matter.... good work though