Sanctuary - Comments

I LOVE THIS!! I agree with the post above, a little more description for characters would be nice. And, as said above, more description on who was at the table would've been fantastic--maybe they, too were significant people who could pop up again. However, I like the silk background. I think its gorgeous and doesn't take away from the story. Anyways, happy writing!

You asked for a review of both the story and the way it's presented, so I'm going to focus on the layout first, before talking about the one chapter you have up. I think you've done a great job with the banner, although I don't recognise the girl in the picture (I'm assuming at this point that she is a new character), I can vaguely make out Hogwarts castle there, which tells me where this is going. Your text size and font are also fine, and this is very easy on the eyes, for which I am thankful.

My one suggestion with the layout is that the background is a little plain, and if I were you, I might change it to a texture that matched or complimented the banner more effectively. Alternatively, you could go for a pattern that was more Hogwarts-themed, or at least put me in mind of a gothic castle, since you have that in your banner. The current background is just a white silk that seems to refer to nothing in particular.

On to the story itself, I think the opening paragraph sets the stage well. I don't object to anything you're saying here, although I think you could polish your expression a little more. Your use of the word 'time' twice in the first sentence is a little repetitive, and sometimes your over-long sentences call for a semi-colon rather than strings of commas. I also think that the 'And' is unnecessary, and that starting a sentence with 'And' is undesirable when you can help it. Here, you could just start with, 'As'- we know how this sentence links to the previous one without needing to be told.

I love the first sentence of your second paragraph, in which you describe Evingar. It's a long and wordy sentence, but it sort of works, because it's such a focal point for attention. The sentence that follows it, however, confuses your point a little. Was 'the opposite' just that he had too much to worry about, or not enough food as well? Why? I would appreciate a quick explanation here, not necessarily giving away too much, but stating enough of the basic facts that I can move on as a reader without too many begging questions. Because this goes to premise rather than a twist you're saving up for later, I don't think too many questions are something that you want to raise this early on.

The following paragraphs progress well enough, and I particularly enjoyed the image with the dancing sunlight. For me, imagery is what brings a story to life. I only wish that you had established more of a setting with the Wizards' Council. They sit at a table, but where is it? In England? Is it only English wizards who are invited? Or is this a more generally European thing? Is the table in a castle, or in somebody's house, etc? Tell your audience what you have in mind, because these details can really affect the way we see that scene, and also place your characters in context.

In terms of imagery and description, I think I might also have liked more description of the witches and wizards at the table. For instance, what does Helga Hufflepuff look like? She's a pretty important character, and so I want to have a good picture of her in mind- I don't think you should rely too much on the prior art of Harry Potter to dispense with this, since she only makes minor appearances in that series. Even if she was well-described in the books, a bit of an accentuation of her features or manner here could really demonstrate that she is acting in character, and make it more authentic.

Despite all my criticisms, however, I do think that you've done a nice job of this. I feel pretty fortunate to have gotten it to review, when I could have ended up with anything. I also think the fact that you have made a trailer for it is pretty cute.

Best of luck writing the rest of this! I'm sure you will find many a follower.

cool! =)