June 30th, 2017 at 04:50pm
I really like the concept of this, what with the sisters ending up in opposite houses and developing feelings for ‘The Slytherin Prince’ and ‘The Chosen One’ reluctantly—especially since they’re both the best friends of the other sister. It created a unique dynamic between all the characters, even rewriting Draco and Harry’s in a way. You would expect Ebony to develop feelings for Draco and Raleigh to develop feelings for Harry, so to switch that the other way was definitely interesting. I also liked how Raleigh and Ebony contrast against each other since they have the qualities of the other’s house. It’s realistic as sisters are typically different in a lot of ways.
I also loved the bits of humor, like the love potion scene and the way Ebony gets revenge on Harry for almost killing her. The humor balanced well with the overall seriousness and angst of the rest of the story and definitely made me laugh aloud at points.
The problem I had, though, was that even after reading all six chapters, I’m not completely connected to any of the characters. Everyone felt inconsistent, which left me feeling confused and unsure of how to feel about anything. This happened mostly with Harry. With the way he acts towards Ebony and even confesses to legitimate feelings for her in chapter six, I feel like the entire time he was being a fuckboy and harassing her (even physically at some point) after their kiss was entirely out of character—and not at all something he would have done if he actually had feelings for her. Or really, at all. It didn’t seem like a very Harry Potter thing, to harass a girl and tease her like he did. It made it hard for me to enjoy any scenes with him because he felt so different from canon Harry.
I also felt like you both could have been more detailed, in both surroundings and backstory.
I’m not sure if you were going to address this later on in the story (and if you’re going to have it revealed that Raleigh and Ebony are related), but it was actually driving me nuts wondering how come Raleigh was a half-blood and Ebony was a pureblood if they’re sisters. I’m also not sure as to why they’re hiding the fact that they are from everyone. Is it a shame thing because of their houses or their friends? I’m not sure but it was definitely bugging me that I didn’t know. I feel like this information could have been given when the readers were told that no one knew. And I definitely feel like there’s a reason that Ebony and Raleigh ended up in the ‘wrong’ houses, and you’ve spent so much time creating Ebony to be the perfect Slytherin and Raleigh the perfect Gryffindor that it creates more questions.
However, I really did enjoy this story. It was entertaining and I still love the relationship between the sisters. I think that, with the way you’re going, you can create a very addictive and dramatic romance story with a lot of angst. You just also have to remember that when writing fanfiction, you’re careful of how you write beloved characters like Harry Potter and you have to give answers to your readers either in the narrative or dialogue, too. So all in all, good job! I had fun reading this!
Thanks! Wow, that was a long comment. I originally wrote this story with another author quite a few years ago, and she was the one who played Harry. I thought it was kind of cute and the fact that he had Raleigh as a friend (and more friends in general) would have changed him somewhat. Maybe some flashbacks to her visiting in the summer or arranging for someone to threaten the Dursleys to treat him better earlier on would have helped too. I'll check momentarily, but some backstory should be in the characters section of the story- that should explain some things. The girls are half sisters, hence the difference in blood status.